Chris Robey

A Gorilla in the Weight Room

by Chris Robey | Jun 12, 2023 | Blog, Support Groups

One of my favorite icebreakers to do in my Teen Life Support Groups in the final weeks of our curriculum is something I call “Gorilla vs. Grizzly”.

The premise is simple: who would win in a battle between a Grizzly Bear and a Silverback Gorilla?

Now, you might have an instant strong opinion on this hypothetical fight, and you wouldn’t be alone. Once we introduce this scenario, there are instant ideological lines drawn in the sand between students on who would win this epic showdown between two of nature’s alphas.

Before I go any further, it should be stated that this is only a scenario. There is no ethical setting in which this experiment would ever play out. They are from two completely different native habitats separated by thousands of miles of ocean water. So remember, this is just a thought experiment.

Yet students take this VERY seriously. And to be fair, I ask them to. In fact, I go so far as to ask for evidence to support their positions. So for instance, if they insist a gorilla would make short work of a grizzly bear, they need to provide solid reasoning as to why they feel this way.

And, boy do they offer evidence. Lots of it. In the years that I have done this activity, I’ve heard so many compelling arguments on how each one of these animals might win in a battle. I’ve heard very few ideas that haven’t passed muster. In other words, it’s not hard to see why each one of these animals might win.

But what is striking to me is the answers these students give. Here are a few examples.

Pro Grizzly:

Sheer size
Sharp claws
Pointy teeth
Huge paws
Thick skin
Savage nature

Pro Gorilla:

Huge muscles
Superior intelligence
Opposable thumbs on hands and feet
Fast
Killer instinct

All true, right? All of these traits are used not only to survive fights like this but also to thrive in their respective environments.

But, the next question I pose is the one that brings it all together:

“Guys – have you ever seen a gorilla in the weight room?” Or “Have you seen a grizzly bear in the nail salon getting sharpened up?”

No, of course not! It’s an absurd, even hilarious notion. These animals have these strengths because it is WHO they are.

Grizzlies don’t sharpen their teeth or claws. They don’t take supplements to gain their size.

Gorillas don’t pump iron or do pull-ups. They aren’t vainly looking in the mirror at their biceps!

These incredible works of nature are strong simply because they are. And, we believe that our teenagers are as well.

Simply put, if our adolescents were pointed to their core strengths – the ones they didn’t need to work on – imagine how much better they could solve their problems or take on new challenges.

When we pose this idea of natural strengths to teenagers – especially ones from hard places, they are a little uncomfortable with the idea. For so many it’s inconceivable they could have natural strengths they could lean into, and not worry so much about their deficits.

What if we looked at our teenagers as bearers of great strength and promise and not “problems to be solved”? This is what we are all about here at Teen Life. We believe students are made in the image of God, and if they understood the power of what they have, they would reach great heights.

What would it look like for you to see the strengths of your students first, not where they need to get better? Just like the gorilla in the weight room, we would see how silly it is to doubt how incredible they are just by being themselves.

How does this idea strike you? We would love your feedback in the comments!

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Former CEO

You can find it at school

by Chris Robey | Feb 24, 2023 | Blog, Mental Health, School, Support Groups

One of my very favorite things to do is walk the halls of our local schools.

It never gets old to me. Every school is different and has its own personality. There are different themes, decorations, nuances, and sensibilities distinguishing each campus from the rest. Some are new and innovative while others seem to be lost to time.

I heard it said a while back that the local “town square” has shifted from the local church to the local school. That is, for so many years the center of the community was found in the local houses of worship. Recently, many in the community are finding the local school to be the crossroads of education, socialization, culture, support systems, and other crucial aspects of local community. Whether this is good or bad is up for debate (and I mean, it is DEBATED).

One community-centric role that the local school is taking on is the role of mental health provider.

For an institution already bearing the cultural weight of so many other roles, asking a school to provide space for mental health services on top of everything else is a tall task. To ask teachers who already have significant academic responsibilities to also stand in as mental health professionals goes well beyond their capacity. To find staff who are able to address the mental health needs of students, you have to look to counselors, nurses, and sometimes even SRO’s (local police assigned to a school). While they are much better equipped, there just aren’t that many of them available and they are expensive to hire.

According to a recent report from the CDC 42% of teenagers reported feeling persistently sad or hopeless and almost 25% reported experiencing poor mental health. This is not okay or normal!

From my vantage point we have an even bigger problem. The conversation around mental health and adolescents is more open than it has ever been before. As we walk through the halls of schools you will see posters and signs with quotes like “It’s okay to not be okay” or “be kind to yourself”. Our teenagers are leading the way with this conversation, and that part is encouraging at least!

Yet the disparity comes with access.

It’s like saying “exercise is the most important thing” but there are no trainers or gyms in sight. Or if we emphasized a healthy diet, but only offered students fast food. Simply put – quality, accessible, and affordable mental health services are really hard to come by for adolescents!

This isn’t the fault of the army of mental health workers out there doing the hard job of serving the onslaught of issues. More so, this is a systemic issue of access and equity.

One of the most encouraging aspects of this CDC report was the recommendation that schools set aside more funding and prioritize better and more robust mental health services on school campuses. If innovative and scalable interventions are necessary for the mental health needs of students, local school campuses are the place to find them!

Teen Life provides Support Groups on school campuses during the school day led by community volunteers and counselors.

While not a billable mental health service, Teen Life stands in the gap for teenagers to access quality mental health supports while they work to improve their circumstances. Life is so much better when you have peer support and mentorship from someone who is showing up on your behalf – week after week.

The CDC recommendations fall squarely into what happens here at Teen Life.

And because it happens on school campuses – lives will change and get better.

So if you are a parent, educator, administrator, or volunteer – make your voice heard to bring in mental health supports and services like what Teen Life offers. If it isn’t this – there are many more in your community ready to help.

Let’s rally to help mental health supports and services be available to any student who is in need!

Chris Robey

Former CEO

A Seat at the Table

by Chris Robey | Oct 27, 2022 | Blog, Mental Health, Personal Development

No teen deserves to feel alone.

Last week, as we were working through an activity in our support group, one of the young ladies asked if she could step out in the hallway. She had a mask on, so I wasn’t quite sure if she was upset, but the counselor followed her out to be sure. About five minutes later, she re-entered the room and finished the group. While this didn’t seem like much, I asked the counselor what had happened with this student.

“Well, she got very emotional all of a sudden and needed a second. Apparently, the issues the other students were talking about were exactly what she was going through. She wasn’t sad or upset. She just got overwhelmed with knowing she wasn’t alone.”

Can you imagine? Well, of course, you can. We have all felt alone.

Alone in our thoughts. Our struggles. Our fears. Our failures. Our pain.

Feeling alone is like a millstone around our neck. The weight and pressure of loneliness is unspeakable. Not until that weight is lifted do we understand how much of a burden it was.

And that is where so many teenagers find themselves. Despite living in a world that is overly connected, most teens would tell you they are lonelier than ever.

This year at the Teen Life Dinner and Auction, we spent time focusing on the concept of the open table. That is, we all long for a seat at the table where we know we won’t be judged and where we can connect. That’s all we really want most of the time. We want to hear that we aren’t alone and that we won’t be rejected.

During adolescence we find crucial developmental milestones taking place. Autonomy. Differentiation. Self-actualization. Reflection. Establishment of core values. Identity formation. In other words, the most important stuff!

But imagine going through all of those milestones feeling like you were the only one in the world that was experiencing these things.

When a teenager is becoming “themselves” through the process of adolescence, healthy relationships are crucial to positive outcomes.

An open table is key. A teenager needs a safe place to turn when life gets difficult.

Will that be you? Will you be the non-judgmental presence needed when no one else will help? We need more safe people. Period.

How do we start?

Be shockproof. No matter what a teenager says to you or does, take it in stride. Be safe. Be a welcoming presence.

In doing so, you welcome them to the table where they can find the safety and connection they need to make the right decisions and become who they were meant to be!

Chris Robey

Former CEO

Diagnosis: Loneliness

by Chris Robey | Apr 23, 2022 | Blog, Mental Health

I am lonely. Likely you are too.

Our interactions have become shorter. We leave the house less. Fewer details are shared in conversations. We say less. When people call, we hit “decline” even though we know it would be good to talk.

And the teenagers in our world almost certainly are lonely too.

A recent study found 61% of young adults (including older adolescents) reported feeling “serious loneliness” in the past month while only 27% of adults 55-65 reported this form of loneliness.

The supposed “most connected generation” is in turn the most lonely and disconnected of all. (Read our recent post on gen z and loneliness.)

I guess what I am saying is if you or I are feeling lonely, that burden likely falls much heavier on the shoulders of the younger and more vulnerable of our population.

We see it in our support groups every week here at Teen Life. Since schools have reopened, our teens are quick to talk, lean in, and share. We take for granted that today’s teenagers actually have someone to talk to about meaningful things! I’ve been shocked how quickly and to what degree teens will share vulnerable and honest information about their lives.

Teens are lonely. So are we.

So, what do we do?

A recent New York Times article goes into great detail on this “Loneliness Epidemic” happening within one of the largest cities on the planet – New York City. Towards the end of the article, the authors share some ideas on how to combat this epidemic, but one really stood out to me.

Ask for help.

But, I don’t mean it the way it probably sounds.

That is, ask for help for….something. Anything.

For a teenager, maybe the ask is for help with:

Homework
A problem to solve
Relationship issues
Learning something new
A challenge

When teens hear “ask for help” it’s often interpreted as “cry out for help” – which seems overwhelming. But when we just ask for help, we are communicating a need for connection, and giving someone else an opportunity to step in and get the good feeling of helping someone.

Everyone wins, and everyone’s a little less lonely.

An epidemic like loneliness can only be defeated by pulling together for the sake of the most vulnerable. The teens in our lives need us more than ever, and if we can give them better tools (like teaching them how to ask for help), we will see a generation that finds hope in healthier relationships and deeper connections.

Chris Robey

Former CEO

Death of “Future Me”

by Chris Robey | May 17, 2021 | Blog, Mental Health, Parenting

Recently I stumbled upon a short podcast series by the New York Times entitled “Odessa”, which chronicles the physical re-opening of Odessa High School out in West Texas after the shutdowns of the spring and early fall of 2020. The series focuses on the marching band and the many struggles they faced as Odessa faced a COVID surge on top of school reopening.

In a later episode of the series, a student introduced in the first episode starts to exhibit a significant change in behaviors. A teenager once vibrant and socially active suddenly fell off the map. She stopped attending school, returning texts, and showing up to band practice. While those who knew and loved her made sure she was safe, otherwise she became completely disengaged.

After a while the interviewer was able to connect with this student and it was interesting to hear how she was doing. She said overall she was fine, but just wanted to be alone. In fact, her and many other students reported the same. They didn’t seem to be depressed or anxious, but they also didn’t really want to engage in any meaningful way with their friends or adults.

Also recently I read a really compelling article that got me thinking about stories like the one above, and even my own story in a way. The article cited a psychologist who explored aspects of consciousness and he divided our experiences as being either in the “experiencing self” or the “remembering self”. That is, the present moment and about 5 seconds before and after are what we experience. But we also have another “self” that is in the past telling us stories about times already gone. He did a lot of work in understanding how our two senses of “self” interplay with each other and how we need to be aware of how much noise each “self” is making.

Yet, this article expanded this framework to include what she called the “anticipating self”. That is, the part of us that hopes, dreams, and expects. Typically the “anticipating self” is a bit more optimistic about things and hopes for the future to be just a little better. The author posits that it is this “self” that drives us to make positive changes and choices.

We choose to eat better because we hope for better health.

We save our money because we envision ourselves being financially secure.

We make the better, harder choices so tomorrow will find us in a stronger position.

In other words, our “anticipating self” is the driving force to make better choices.

I think about this teenager featured in the “Odessa” podcast. As the episode ended, several school counselors were interviewed about the behavior of this student and those like her.

They said they had lost all motivation. No hope for the future. Anything beyond today became fuzzy or opaque.

In other words, their “anticipating self” was incapacitated.

If you know much about adolescence, you know that the “anticipating self” is a new developmental tool available to teenagers as they enter those early teen years. Children don’t often dream about what’s going to happen to them in 10 years. But as adolescence settles in, thinking about tomorrow becomes more of an option. I call this a new “tool” because often adolescents don’t use this tool, even if it is available to them.

This pandemic has caused so much uncertainty to the developing mind of an adolescent that they choose to silence the “anticipating self”. This last year has been so hard that thinking about anything positive for the future feels like a fools errand.

I believe this is why we are seeing such a surge in mental health issues with teenagers. When there is no real future, no real reason to engage with our “anticipating self”, then what is the reason to engage or even, hope?

As I work with teenagers these days, I’m especially mindful of helping them talk about the future in a positive light. And, it’s incredible to see how they respond. Often, they have forgotten that a positive future is even a possibility.

Because, it is. Let’s do everything we can to help teenagers engage with their “anticipating self”. What if, instead of engaging in the doom and gloom of this moment, we helped students anticipate what could be better or different? What if we rejected the notion that things are only going to get worse?

Let’s revive our anticipating selves.

For more tips on helping teens look for hope, check out this recent post.

Chris Robey

Former CEO

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A Gorilla in the Weight Room