Helping Teens Build Real-World Coping Skills | Ep. 184

Karlie Duke (00:11)
How can schools and parents help teens build real-world coping skills? Today’s conversation comes from reading The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt. We’ve already talked about social media with Sarah Brooks this season, but we wanted to focus on resilience—how we help teenagers develop these skills.

Resilience isn’t just a personality trait; it’s a learned skill we can help nurture in our teens. Part of our job as adults is to let them fail and face challenges while we’re there to guide them.

Tobin Hodges (01:07)
Exactly. I was talking about this recently with my older son and dating. I don’t want his first dating experience to be in college without the safety net of home and someone to talk to. It’s like training wheels—you want life training wheels while a parent is still nearby, making sure they don’t crash.

Karlie Duke (01:36)
One of the biggest contributors to the anxiety trend is overprotection. Haidt writes, “Overprotection in the real world and underprotection in the virtual world are the major reasons why children born after 1995 became the anxious generation.”

We became so worried about physical danger—kidnapping, accidents—that we locked down their freedom and handed them screens instead. But we didn’t give them guidelines for healthy use, and now they’re bombarded. They can never fully turn it off.

Caleb Hatchett (02:54)
Parents and students both live in a world of constant connection. We see every scary possibility, which makes it easy to lock down and become anxious. Kids pick up on that and learn to respond the same way.

Tobin Hodges (04:06)
So how do we help? First, teach problem-solving steps: What’s the problem? What are my options? What’s my first step? We all crave instant fixes, but that’s not how real problems work.

Reframing thoughts is huge too—shifting from “I failed, I’m terrible” to “This is practice, not perfection.” Many teens expect perfection and would rather avoid trying than risk failure.

Stress-reducing habits matter: movement, sleep, creative outlets, and unplugged downtime. Supportive friendships help as well—friends who listen, encourage, and challenge in healthy ways. And teens need safe spaces to test and gain confidence, whether that’s school clubs, volunteering, sports, or small home responsibilities.

My own teen just started a part-time cashier job. It’s simple, but it’s helped him mature in a way I hadn’t seen before. If we keep them from experiences like that, we take away chances to build responsibility and resilience.

Caleb Hatchett (06:42)
It really comes down to trust. The more responsibility you give a teen, the more they begin to trust themselves. I remember the first time my dad didn’t wake me up. If I missed my alarm, I’d miss school and deal with the consequences.

As a young adult, I realized there were basic things I’d never done on my own—like making doctor’s appointments or calling to book a retreat center—because someone else had always done it. The more I practiced those things, the more confident I became.

Karlie Duke (09:54)
That’s what’s interesting about Haidt’s advice. He recommends no smartphones before high school and no social media before 16. If you can wait longer, even better. He encourages replacing digital hours with offline community—sports, clubs, youth group, part-time jobs.

For teachers, that could mean group projects that must be completed in person. He also suggests more unsupervised play. Don’t give kids all the rules—let them figure out conflict resolution on their own.

Tobin Hodges (11:23)
Delaying or limiting smartphones can be tough. I wasn’t able to delay as much with my oldest because of circumstances, but I’ve learned and will be stricter with younger siblings.

Karlie Duke (12:49)
Unstructured time is so important. Our kids’ lives are often over-scheduled. If they’re not busy, they’re in front of a screen. We need to make space for quiet and boredom.

Caleb Hatchett (14:05)
Students are surrounded by noise and constant outlets. Some even watch videos in the shower. We’ve lost the natural moments of silence. There’s a YouTube video of a guy who locked his phone away for a month. He ended up less anxious and more excited to hang out with friends.

Parents need to model and embrace boredom too. It’s a challenge for everyone, not just teens.

Tobin Hodges (16:46)
And remember, some anxiety is healthy. Before a performance or game, those butterflies can sharpen focus. Anxiety only becomes a problem when it’s constant and crippling.

Karlie Duke (17:45)
If you’re a parent, teacher, or mentor, it’s okay to let teens struggle. Don’t fix everything—coach them through it. Let them set their own alarms and deal with consequences if they oversleep. Don’t always remind them about homework.

Even small things build confidence: send a child into the grocery store to buy three items, let them order their own food at restaurants, or have them speak up if something’s wrong with their order.

Make space for boredom and unplugging. That’s where creativity grows. We don’t want them learning these skills for the first time after they leave home. Whether you enjoy or critique The Anxious Generation, it’s worth a read to understand what our teens face and how we can support them.