Karlie Duke

5 Christmas Movie Lessons for Teens

by Karlie Duke | Dec 14, 2017 | Christmas, Entertainment, Holidays

I may have a Christmas movie problem…I love them all! The classics, the musicals, the cartoons, the cheesy ones, the funny ones, the Hallmark ones and everything in between. If it deals with Santa or snow, count me in! To some, these movies may feel silly, boring, or annoying. But they would be wrong, and I am about to prove to you why you (and your teenagers) need Christmas movies in your life.

Most follow the “Christmas Movie Formula” which usually includes a problem at the beginning, a love interest being introduced, a conflict that causes everything to derail before the happily ever after. I’ll admit, many Christmas movies are predictable, but I dare you to find a genre of movies that includes more hope, joy, or inspiration.

Plus the Christmas music. And the snow. Come on!! How could you not love these movies?!

Christmas movies have lessons that apply to life in general, but these lessons specifically apply to teenagers. If the students in our Support Groups grasped these lessons, I truly believe their lives would look completely different.

So here we go…below are 5 lessons that we can learn from the greatest movies of all time. (Please note that there are spoilers. If you have not seen any of these movies, stop what you are doing, go borrow it from your friend, and have a movie night.)

Everyone needs a place to belong.

(Elf)

In this hilarious and heartwarming story about Buddy the Elf’s journey to find his family, it is easy to see the importance of belonging. Despite the silliness and sugar obsession, Buddy is desperately seeking a place to belong. In this movie, there is a transformation that takes place in the life of Buddy and all those around him when he becomes his best self under the love and care of a family.

Teenagers are the same way. They desperately want a place to belong and feel safe. They want to be accepted for themselves. Please do not overlook this! We can encourage teens, give them a place to belong, surround them with people who will invest in their lives, and find situations for them to excel. Teens look to peers, but mostly they are going to look to you for belonging that lasts.

The small things make a big difference.

(It’s a Wonderful Life)

This movie is the definition of a holiday classic. It tells the story of George Bailey and his life that is successful not because of the big things, but because of the small things that have added up over a lifetime. After wondering if his life was worth living, the movie ends with the most beautiful picture of people from all stages of life – people who benefitted from the small things.

Teenagers need to understand that the small things they do matter. Showing up at school, being kind, respecting parents and teachers, serving others, being honest – these small things add up over time and can change lives. Let us encourage the small things, and not just the big accomplishments. Look for ways to praise and recognize the everyday successes.

Using your gifts & talents is key to success.

(Rudolf the Red-Nosed Reindeer)

Who doesn’t love these animated Christmas movies?! Rudolf and Hermy the elf decide to run away together to escape the judgement and shame their differences bring. While others have made them believe that their differences make them wrong and weird, they eventually realize that their skills and talents make them uniquely qualified to help in ways others cannot – even saving Christmas!

How many times do teenagers feel this way? They think that they are different and failing because they do not have the right opportunities to actually use the things they are good at. Helping teenagers find their passion and talents is crucial to them finding success. They are going to fail in areas where they feel incompetent. Instead, encourage their skills, point out their gifts, and help teens find opportunities to utilize them.

Progress is important, no matter how small. (How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

The Grinch is a classic Christmas redemption story. We start with a grouchy, Christmas-hating, exiled character and watch him transform into a lovable Grinch with a heart that is too big and cheeks that are warm. The catch is that he made small changes throughout the entire story, but Cindy Lou Who was the only one who noticed.

So many times, teenagers stop making progress because they don’t feel like their small changes are being recognized or making a difference. They are so wrong, though! When they pull their grade up 3 points, get an extra hour of sleep, offer to help with a chore without being asked add up over time and make a major impact. Progress and change, no matter how small should be celebrated.

A little hope and a lot of community go a long way

(White Christmas)

This is my very favorite Christmas movie, no contest. And I cry at the end every single time during “The Old Man” scene where 151st division comes together to honor General Waverly. After the General is rejected by the army and is only left with his struggling inn, Bob Wallace and Phil Davis decide to bring his community together to help out. Surrounded by loved ones and with the hope of snow and more profitable days, the General’s attitude completely transforms.

Teenagers need community and hope. This is the number one thing that we find in our Support Groups. When they find a place to belong and see hope that their future can be different, they will change

What do you think of these Christmas movie lessons? Do you have other favorite Christmas movies that we can learn from? We would love to hear from you!

Communications Director

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Curse of the Zombie Teenagers

by Karlie Duke | Nov 16, 2017 | Mental Health, Parenting, Support Groups

Sometimes as a new mom, I feel like I am experiencing a small part of adolescence all over again. Sleepless nights, learning new skills and little control over hormones are just a few things that remind me of those teenage years.

The most debilitating of these “symptoms”? Definitely the lack of sleep. I feel like I can barely function some days.

While facilitating a Support Group at a local Alternative High School this week, we talked about school and discussed how they felt about it. With only one exception, everyone in the group mentioned tiredness and how it affected their school performance. They were falling asleep at their desks, unable to focus on their work, and too tired to even come to school some days. They were walking Zombies!

However, when I asked how they could make school better, none of them talked about getting more or better sleep. Isn’t that interesting? Even though sleep is the one thing they need, they didn’t seem to see how missing out on sleep or going to bed late could negatively impact their whole day.

A few weeks ago my son, Sawyer, went through a sleep regression that had him waking up every 2-3 hours through the night. I had gotten used to waking up once a night but two or three? I was thrown for a loop!

That week and a half, I noticed several things. I was unfocused. I was grumpy. I was lazy. I was emotional. I found myself apologizing to my husband more than usual. Now I am not saying that during normal weeks I am never unfocused, grumpy, lazy or emotional (because I am), but I notice significant increases in these areas when I am tired.

If tiredness can have this affect on me, imagine the impact that the lack of sleep can have on teenagers! According to this WebMD article and SleepAdvisor.org, there are several surprising effects that lack of sleep can cause:

It can cause accidents. Did you know that driving sleepy can cause similar reaction delays to driving drunk? When our students don’t get enough sleep, they could be a danger to others and themselves!

It can impair memory and learning. Not getting enough sleep can harm cognitive processes. This means that it affects alertness, focus, attention, and reasoning. When teenagers don’t get an adequate amount of sleep, they also won’t be able to remember what they experienced throughout the day, having a major affect on learning and retention.

It can lead to depression. Sleepiness can contribute to the symptoms of depression and anxiety. It can also create a vicious cycle – lack of sleep causes depression, and in return, depression can make it hard to fall asleep. Our teenagers do not need another thing that leads to depression and anxiety.

It can cause health problems. Sleep deprivation can cause many health issues from heart disease to obesity. It makes sense if you think about it. Our bodies need sleep to function and when you take that away, your body suffers and tries to make up for it in other ways.

It can impair judgement. When teens (or people in general) do not get enough sleep, they cannot accurately assess events or experiences which can lead to a lack of judgement. This can also apply to a lack of judgment about the affect of sleep-deprivation!

Teenagers are in one of the most important periods of growth. Their brain is developing, their body is growing, they are learning to interact socially. To do these things positively and set them up for success in the future, they need sleep. Plain and simple, this is one of the best things you can teach your teenager today.

They don’t have to be Zombies just because they are teenagers. They can be functioning, smart, witty and alert – if they get the sleep they need!

Let’s encourage teens to turn off the television or gaming system, put down the phones and go to bed at a decent hour. They may push back at the request, but they will be thankful when they are healthy, productive, happy, and making good decisions.

How have you seen the impact of lack of sleep? What things can we do to encourage teenagers to get more sleep? Share your ideas – we would love to hear them!

Karlie Duke was in one of Teen Life’s original support groups and now is our Communications Director. She is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories.

The Problem with Secret Social Media Accounts

by Karlie Duke | Oct 19, 2017 | Mental Health, Parenting, Social Media, Technology

Social Media is a tool to share and post in a social setting. You get to share photos, thoughts, complaints and dreams. We have done many posts about social media on our blog, and one thing keeps coming up – social media isn’t going anywhere. It is here to stay.

Because this is the case, those of us that work with teenagers must be aware of how teens are using these outlets.

In a recent (unofficial) survey of 60 high school students, 40 of them said that they had a secret social media account (Finstagram or Private Twitter).

That’s nearly 67%!

Before I continue, let me clarify what I mean by secret accounts.

Finstagrams are “fake” Instagrams (not fitness Instagrams as one of my friends believed). They are private and kept separate from their real Instagram accounts. Unlike their primary account, they limit who can follow them to close friends. This is not the account that they would let parents or adults follow.

Private Twitters are not just twitter accounts with privacy settings (hopefully all of their accounts are private, but that is another conversation). Private Twitter accounts are also separate from the twitter handle teens will tell everyone to follow. They are only followed by people they give permission to see these personal tweets not meant for the public.

I asked a teen why people have Private Twitter accounts, and this was his thought:

The point of having another Twitter is to release all the pent up anger and angst…People will normally post abstract things or “subtweets” that kind of call people out and roast them. Or they will post about something going on in their lives like, “I messed up bad.” Or you can get to the really depressing stuff like, “I don’t want to live anymore.”

Please don’t panic yet. Just because many teens have these accounts doesn’t mean that yours does. And even if they do, it doesn’t mean that they are posting suicidal tweets on an account that you can’t see. This particular teen said that he has a private Twitter so that he can follow other private Twitter accounts to try to help those cries for help. Others may have them so they can post silly pictures that aren’t filtered enough for the public.

But regardless, this is a conversation that every parent, or youth minister, or mentor, or friend should be having with teenagers. Here are some things that you will probably want to know and ask about:

Do they have a private Twitter or Finstagram account?
If they do, what is the purpose of that account? What are they posting? What do they feel they need to say that you can’t see?
If they won’t let you follow this account, would they consider letting another trusted adult follow?
Do they follow any secret accounts?
What will they do if a friend posts suicidal or harmful pictures or tweets?

Nothing is truly private. We know this, but teens don’t always seem to grasp the concept. I could tell you several stories of people getting in trouble at school because of something that was posted on their private Twitter and got reported to the school. Or embarrassing pictures that got shared with others via a screenshot. It isn’t secret or private if other people are following you.

However, I believe the most important conversation you need to have deals with following other private accounts. Are they equipped to handle cries for help? Are they dismissing things that should be told to an adult because it is “private”? Are they inadvertently encouraging bullying by following, liking or retweeting some of these posts?

I understand that teens may need a place to post and talk without mom looking over their shoulder. But conversation is so important if we want to raise responsible, healthy young people.

I hope you will join the conversation with us!

Karlie Duke was in one of Teen Life’s original support groups and now is our Communications Director. She is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories.

Helping in Helpful Ways

by Karlie Duke | Aug 31, 2017 | Resources

When tragedy strikes, everyone wants to help. This is admirable and well-intended. But what happens when our help is not helpful? What if helping gives us more peace of mind than it gives the victims relief?

In any disaster, it’s hard to think about how we can really help in this situation or any other disaster that arises. I believe that everyone truly wants to help. They have the best intentions to make a difference and improve others’ circumstances. Sometimes we just don’t know where to start!

Hopefully, these three principles will help you help others better:

Do Your Research

To be helpful, you don’t have to reinvent the wheel. So many great organizations and groups of people are already working to do good. When a tragedy happens, first look at who is already helping. Maybe you can donate clothes to people who are already collecting items. Or perhaps you can donate to an organization that is equipped to help people in need. Instead of people doing their own thing in small quantities, you can collaborate with others to make the effort more effective.

How can you research? Start with Google! Go to social media. Ask your local school, church or city. Talk to friends and see what those around you are involved in.

There are tons of great options to help in a disaster, but here are a few to get your research started:

Convoy of Hope: is a faith-based nonprofit bringing help and hope to communities in need. They have many ways to get involved!
American Red Cross: you can give by phone, text, online or mail to help people affected by disasters.
Salvation Army: you can also donate by any of the ways listed above to help with long-term relief efforts.
North Texas Food Bank: donate online to provide food and water to those affected by disaster.

Help in realistic ways!

Everyone has a different capacity to help and different gifts to use. Help in a way that is realistic and applicable to you! The links above involve financial assistance. This is a great option, but there are other ways that you can help.

What is so important here is that you only commit to what you can handle.

If you choose to volunteer, finish the time you committed to help. If you want to start a food drive, make sure you have the capacity to collect and distribute the supplies. If you pledge money to an organization, give within your means. It does not help anyone if you start something and don’t follow through.

Here are some ways you can donate your time, home and supplies to help:

Voly.org: register to volunteer and get notifications when needs in your area arise.
Airbnb: offer your home to those in need of emergency accommodations.
TangoTab: this app gives a meal to a person in need every time you eat out!

Offer Help That Is Needed

Finally, you want to make sure that whenever you offer help, you are offering something that is needed. I love this article which talks about how disaster relief creates its own disaster. It lists several examples of help with was well-intended but unnecessary from sending winter coats to Honduras in the Summer to tens of thousands of teddy bears sent to the children of Sandy Hook.

Check with organizations to see what is actually useful.
Give to locations that provide lists of items or a registry of sorts.
Don’t assume that your junk is needed just because they have lost everything.

Put yourself in the shoes of the person affected by disaster. What would you want? What would you need? What would you find overwhelming?

In times of trial, we want to help. We want to give, donate, and send everything we can.

The problem is that we should first check our motivation.

Are you giving to truly help those affected? Or are you giving to feel like you made a difference? Sometimes the best thing to do is to donate money to an organization that can provide supplies that are needed. Or maybe people need things like water or diapers. It doesn’t have to be fancy or Instagram-worthy to make a difference!

What do you think about it? What other ways do you know of to help those in need?

Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Back to Baby Basics

by Karlie Duke | Aug 10, 2017 | Mental Health, Parenting

This summer has brought some changes for our family. Huge change in fact in the form of a precious little boy named Sawyer. I promise to get to the point of this post soon, but first – who doesn’t love some cute baby pictures??

Having a baby and spending time at home this summer with him has completely changed my perspective. People expect you to take off from work, forget about house chores and just spend time with your sweet little one. So much importance is placed on enjoying and getting to know your baby – as it should be! But why does this only apply when our children are infants? Even though I am a rookie mom and newbie parent, I think there are several baby-parenting tactics that we should apply to parenting teens. They may be half-grown and independent (or so they think), but these teenage years are so critical for their development and your family!

Here are a few things that I believe we can learn from those beginning days of parenting that can benefit the relationship you share with your teenager:

Dedicated Meal Times

I am a huge believer in the power of meals and their ability to bring people together. Perfect strangers are friends at the end of a meal. Two people can begin a romantic relationship over a meal. And people are comforted, encouraged and uplifted through meal conversations. Meals are so important.

When kids are little, meals require alot of attention. Meal times are all about them, whether they are a babies and parents (mainly moms) have to put down everything to feed them the milk they need, or they are toddlers and it is all out warfare to get a bite of food in their moving, screaming mouths. When do we lose the desire to set aside dedicated time for meals? I know life is busy. I know it isn’t always possible to eat every meal at home, but teenagers need dedicated time from you!

This mealtime can look different for every family. Maybe it is ordering pizza and eating on paper. Maybe it is grabbing a quick bite after football practice at your favorite fast food restaurant. Or maybe it includes a homemade meal and set table (good for you!). Whatever your situation looks like, take time to silence phones, turn off televisions, get rid of distractions and share a meal with your family. Ask about school and tell them about your day in return. Find out more about friends and hobbies. Talk about future plans and silly things like their favorite TV shows. They need that time, and I bet you’ll find that you do, too! In fact, Andy and Sandra Stanley talk about this in a series on family. (You can watch it here! Start at 22:00 to begin where they talk about family dinners.)

Intentional Routines

When children are little, we have routines for everything. A morning routine – wake up, change diaper, put on fresh clothes. A nightly routine – bath time, change into pjs, read a book, goodnight kisses. Imagine if we had routines with our teenagers…seems silly, right? But these don’t have to include reading them a book or rocking them to sleep. It doesn’t even have to be a bedtime routine!

Last season of the Stay Calm, Don’t Panic! Podcast, Chris Robey discussed this very topic with Dr. Mark DeYoung in the episode “4 Ways the ‘Check-In’ Transforms Relationships.” I encourage you to go listen to this podcast! There are so many benefits to asking teens how they are doing and making it part of a routine. I discussed a dinner routine above, but maybe your routine is as simple as asking one question in the car on the way home from school. Or asking them to say goodnight before they go to bed and speaking truth over them at that time. Create a routine so your teenager knows what to expect from you. Ask good questions and speak words of encouragement.

Realistic Expectations

Sawyer is now a month and a half old. He is still a baby and therefore, acts like a baby. Duh, right? You wouldn’t expect my baby to walk, talk, or use the bathroom by himself. If he cries, I am not surprised. When he has a blowout diaper, I don’t get upset with him. I am enjoying every moment of this baby stage – the good, bad, and the stinky.

We need to apply the same principle with teenagers. They are going to mess up, make decisions you don’t understand, get caught up in drama. I fear that adults often fall into the trap of treating teenagers like children while placing adult expectations on them. We hover and control while also getting upset when they don’t make choices we approve of. They are still trying to figure out who they are. They need a little guidance and a whole lot of grace! If you place unrealistic expectations on your teenager, you will be as frustrated as I would be if I expected Sawyer to change his own diapers.

Let’s go back to the days where our children were more important than clean houses and home cooked meals. I beg you to take the time to get to know your teenager! What do you think about this? Are there other baby-parenting practices that you can apply to parenting teenagers?

Karlie Duke was in one of Teen Life’s original support groups and now is our Communications Director. She is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories.

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