Average Teenage Behavior or Warning Sign?

Average Teenage Behavior or Warning Sign?

 

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How do you know what is normal teenage behavior or a red flag that should cause concern? Adolescents are constantly changing and it is difficult to know when to ask questions and how to recognize warning signs. In this podcast episode, Chris and Karlie discuss symptoms of mental illness that also closely resemble average teen development like withdrawal, need for privacy, and change in interests.

Join the conversation on how we can encourage and talk to our teenagers about mental illness and signs of concerns. As a caring adult in the life of a teenager, you will find practical tips and questions to engage teenagers in a positive conversation about life changes. This is an episode you won’t want to miss as Chris and Karlie tackle a topic that so many young people face today.

 

Resources:

In this interview, we mentioned the following resources:

About Us:
Chris Robey is the CEO of Teen Life. Earlier in his career while working as a youth minister, Chris earned a Masters Degree in Family Life Education from Lubbock Christian University to better equip his work with teenagers and families. Chris’ career and educational opportunities have exposed him to teenagers from a variety of backgrounds. Follow him on Twitter!
Karlie Duke is Teen Life’s Marketing & Development Director, joining Teen Life after graduating from Abilene Christian University with a degree in Communications and a minor in Family Studies. Karlie has worked with teenagers for the past 8 years and is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories. Follow her on Twitter or Instagram!
Have a question?
If you have a question about something you heard or just want to give us some feedback, please leave us a comment below.  We would love to hear from you!
Searching for Strengths and Solutions

Searching for Strengths and Solutions

 

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Join Chris and Karlie as they talk about Teen Life’s philosophy for working with teenagers! With a quick intro to Solution-Focused Therapy, Chris and Karlie discuss the importance of helping teenagers find practical solutions while also pointing out the strengths and resources they already possess.

In this episode, Chris and Karlie will give some practical tips for how you can use solution-focused tools and questions to interact with the teens in your life. By using scaling, fist-to-five, and good questions, you can help teenagers focus on how they can make a positive change in the future. This discussion is full of practical tips that can help you empower teenagers this week. Join the conversation and let’s start assuming the best about teenagers!

 

Resources:

In this interview, we mentioned the following resources:

About Us:
Chris Robey is the CEO of Teen Life. Earlier in his career while working as a youth minister, Chris earned a Masters Degree in Family Life Education from Lubbock Christian University to better equip his work with teenagers and families. Chris’ career and educational opportunities have exposed him to teenagers from a variety of backgrounds. Follow him on Twitter!
Karlie Duke is Teen Life’s Marketing & Development Director, joining Teen Life after graduating from Abilene Christian University with a degree in Communications and a minor in Family Studies. Karlie has worked with teenagers for the past 8 years and is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories. Follow her on Twitter or Instagram!
Have a question?
If you have a question about something you heard or just want to give us some feedback, please leave us a comment below.  We would love to hear from you!
5 Assumptions About Teenagers

5 Assumptions About Teenagers

Teenagers are easy targets to complain about…they cost a lot of money, eat way too much food, do weird and sometimes awkward things, spend a ton of time on their phones or gaming systems, and often cause drama with the whole going-through-puberty thing.

Anytime I tell someone that I work with teenagers, I often hear statements like, “Bless your heart.” Or, “I could NEVER do that, good for you!” Sometimes I get questions like, “Don’t teenagers drive you crazy?” “How can you handle working with middle schoolers all the time??”

But here is my secret…I often make assumptions when it comes to teenagers.

We all make assumptions. However, these are not the assumptions that the well-meaning people made above. It is probably not even the assumptions you would expect. In order to work with teenagers (and genuinely enjoy it), I encourage you to make some of these assumptions as well…

Assume teenagers are trying their best. Put yourself back in middle school or high school. Do you remember that feeling? Adolescence is HARD. You could not pay me to do it again…so I always assume that teenagers are doing the best they can in a very difficult situation. It would be really easy to assume that annoying or difficult teens are acting that way on purpose. But when we label students negatively, that is all we will see, and it is how they will continue to act. When you treat students like they are good kids coming from hard places, it can change everything for you and them. Let’s give some grace and some help when they need it.

Assume teenagers are searching for hope. Even the most troubled teenagers I know want their future to look better. They have dreams and goals. They want to graduate and go to college or get well-paying jobs. They want to start families and have a happy life. I have yet to talk to a student who wants their future to be worse than their present situation. Hope is a powerful motivator! Unfortunately, teenagers often don’t know where to start to reach their goals. Which is why we have to assume the next point…

Assume teenagers have the skills they need. When we talk to students in our Support Groups, we often talk about the resources, skills, and strengths that they already possess. We don’t always give them new skills; instead, we point out the people in their life who can help. We have them think through the strengths that they can grow and improve. We ask them to think differently about themselves while giving encouragement and hope. Teenagers are not dumb. They are not helpless children. It makes a big difference if we assume that they are capable. Will you be an adult who can help them realize their potential instead of telling them how they have messed up? Will you encourage, equip, and empower teenagers to face life’s challenges?

Assume teenagers are fun to be around. Teens are hilarious. They are fascinating creatures to watch and observe. They are adorably awkward. They often say exactly what they are thinking. They goofy and spontaneous and full of life. Why does this annoy us? What if we assumed that they are fun? What if we looked forward to spending time with teenagers instead of dreading it? Maybe they don’t need to be less exhausting…maybe we need to be less old. We need to change our own perspective!

Assume teenagers want to talk. You might be shocked by what teenagers are willing to share with adults. Within a few minutes in a Support Group, I can know about a teenager’s family, interests and hobbies, how their day is going, and how connected they feel to others. They want to talk. They are looking for safe environments to share and be vulnerable. Are you asking the right questions? Are you positioning yourself to be a trustworthy adult? Take the time to connect with the teenagers in your life. Be prepared to listen…really listen, without judgement or interjections. Have patience and be willing to ask two or three times.

I love teenagers. They are bold and fun. I encourage you to trade your current assumptions for something more positive. Teenagers have enough to deal with – let’s take our perceptions off their plate and assume the best!

Karlie Duke

Karlie Duke

Marketing & Development Director

Karlie was in one of Teen Life’s original support groups and now is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories. She has gained experience working with teenagers through work, volunteer, and personal opportunities.

13 Reasons Why: Making Noise or Making Change?

13 Reasons Why: Making Noise or Making Change?

Recently, season 3 of the Netflix series 13 Reasons Why was released. Because of its implications on teenage culture, Teen Life has been following this show since the beginning, and last month, I finished the 3rd installment of this controversial series.

Let me start by saying that this show is not one I would recommend teenagers watch. I would not even recommend that adults watch it with its mature content and language. However, I know that teens continue to watch it, and so it begs the question: Is 13 Reasons Why helping or hurting teenagers?

In this third season, the Netflix show covered sex, drugs, abortion, prostitution, gun violence, bullying, sexual abuse, illegal immigration, steroid use, and sexual identity. These are issues and topics that today’s adolescents are wrestling with, but is this the format to discuss it? To quote one of the characters on the show, “But you’re not making change, you’re just making noise!”

Wow.

What a quote! And so applicable to almost anything in our culture, especially with this age of social media driven content.

So many people want their ideas, problems, concerns, and injustices heard. That is not a bad thing at all, but there is a difference between making change and just making noise! Here are a few ways that we can encourage teenagers (and ourselves) to make more than just noise.

Be willing to listen.
There is so much injustice going on right now in our country and world. It isn’t right and it shouldn’t be tolerated, but before you shout your thoughts, be willing to listen. Listen to those who have been hurt and marginalized. Listen to different opinions in a respectful way. Noise leaves little room for other voices, but change cannot happen with just one person, so listen to those around you!

Have a purpose.
If your goal is just to be angry, that is not the best way to motivate change. Have a purpose behind your words and actions. Pick a cause that you are passionate about and work to make our world better. We can’t all be champions for every issue – there isn’t enough time! But we can be allies and friends to those already doing good work. We can be encouragers. We can pick a few things to put our resources and energy behind!

Look to change yourself.
Change is difficult. Like 13 Reasons Why shows, a culture and attitude cannot change overnight. But you can start with yourself! Be honest and evaluate how you can change and grow. Do you have bias you need to face? Are you being inconsiderate to other points of views? Are you invalidating the feelings of others? This type of reflection is not easy and can even be painful at times. Be willing to ask hard questions and start conversations to grow.

Noise drowns out everything else where change is willing to listen. Noise stays the same while change has purpose. Noise is passive where change takes action. Noise can stay behind a computer device or screen while change starts a bigger conversation outside of social media.

In the midst of racial injustice, sexual abuse, school shootings, suicide and more, we need to be having conversations. While I might not agree with the method of 13 Reasons Why, I will encourage you to be brave enough to talk about difficult topics with teenagers. They know what is happening. They see more than we realize at school and in the lives of their friends. They listen, absorb, read, and investigate. Please don’t let them take on this task alone! Show them how we can start conversations to make change. Be more than noise this week!

Karlie Duke

Karlie Duke

Marketing & Development Director

Karlie was in one of Teen Life’s original support groups and now is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories. She has gained experience working with teenagers through work, volunteer, and personal opportunities.

Back to Baby Basics [Repost]

Back to Baby Basics [Repost]

I originally wrote the following post two years ago when our son, Sawyer, was born. But this summer has once again brought some changes for our family – this time form of a little girl named Janie.  
 

Having a baby and spending time at home adds new perspective and forces me to slow down. People expect you to take off from work, forget about house chores and just spend time with your sweet little one. So much importance is placed on enjoying and getting to know your baby – as it should be! But why does this only apply when our children are infants? Even though my kids are still little, I think there are several baby-parenting tactics that we should apply to parenting teens. They may be half-grown and independent (or so they think), but these teenage years are so critical for their development and your family!

Here are a few things that I believe we can learn from those beginning days of parenting that can benefit the relationship you share with your teenager:

Dedicated Meal Times

I am a huge believer in the power of meals and their ability to bring people together. Perfect strangers are friends at the end of a meal. Two people can begin a romantic relationship over a meal. And people are comforted, encouraged and uplifted through meal conversations. Meals are so important.

When kids are little, meals require a lot of attention. Meal times are all about them! As babies, parents have to put down everything to feed them the milk they need. When they grow into wiggly, independent toddlers, mealtime can turn into all out. When do we lose the desire to set aside dedicated time for meals? I know life is busy. I know it isn’t always possible to eat every meal at home, but teenagers need dedicated time from you!

This mealtime can look different for every family. Maybe it is ordering pizza and eating on paper plates. Maybe it is grabbing a quick bite after football practice at your favorite fast food restaurant. Or maybe it includes a homemade meal and set table (good for you!). Whatever your situation looks like, take time to silence phones, turn off televisions, get rid of distractions and share a meal with your family. Ask about school and tell them about your day in return. Find out more about friends and hobbies. Talk about future plans and silly things like their favorite TV shows. They need that time, and I bet you’ll find that you do, too! In fact, Andy and Sandra Stanley talk about this in a series on family. (You can watch it here! Start at 22:00 to begin where they talk about family dinners.) 

Intentional Routines

When children are little, we have routines for almost everything. A morning routine – wake up, change diaper, put on fresh clothes. A nightly routine – bath time, change into pjs, read a book, goodnight kisses. Imagine if we had routines with our teenagers…seems silly, right? But these don’t have to include reading them a book or rocking them to sleep. It doesn’t even have to be a bedtime routine!

A few years ago, Chris Robey discussed this very topic with Dr. Mark DeYoung in the podcast episode “4 Ways the ‘Check-In’ Transforms Relationships.” I encourage you to go listen to this podcast! There are so many benefits to asking teens how they are doing and making it part of a routine. I discussed a dinner routine above, but maybe your routine is as simple as asking one question in the car on the way home from school. Or asking them to say goodnight before they go to bed and speaking truth over them at that time. Create a routine so your teenager knows what to expect from you. Ask good questions and speak words of encouragement.

Realistic Expectations

When are babies are small, we expect them to act like babies. Duh, right? You wouldn’t expect my baby to walk, talk, or feed herself. If she cries, I am not surprised. When she has a blowout diaper, I don’t get upset with her. I am enjoying every moment of this baby stage – the good, bad, and the stinky.

We need to apply the same principle with teenagers. They are going to mess up, make decisions you don’t understand, get caught up in drama. I fear that adults often fall into the trap of treating teenagers like children while placing adult expectations on them. We hover and control while also getting upset when they don’t make choices we approve of. They are still trying to figure out who they are. They need a little guidance and a whole lot of grace! If you place unrealistic expectations on your teenager, you will be as frustrated as I would be if I expected Janie to change her own diapers.

Let’s go back to the days where our children were more important than clean houses and home cooked meals. I beg you to take the time to get to know your teenager! What do you think about this? Are there other baby-parenting practices that you can apply to parenting teenagers?

Karlie Duke

Karlie Duke

Marketing & Development Director

Karlie was in one of Teen Life’s original support groups and now is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories. She has gained experience working with teenagers through work, volunteer, and personal opportunities.