Navigating Relationships

Navigating Relationships

Talking to teens about love and relationships is awkward. They have questions, they say inappropriate things to test boundaries, they may have more experience than they should, they may witness unhealthy relationships at home, they may not even know what they are feeling. Relationships in the teenage years are difficult, and they need trusted adults to help them navigate how to have a healthy relationship. Teens who have relationships in high school are beginning to build the foundation for which they will base future relationships, so we need to do our best to set them up for success by remembering how emotional teens are and how hard learning to be in a relationship was for all of us.  

 

Adults forget (or suppress) what it was like to be a hormonal teenager.

Let’s face it, hormones are a real struggle. They literally change a teen overnight and daily thereafter. There is a heightened sense of being on an emotional roller coaster, seemingly without end. As adults, we suppress the memories of those out of control feelings and place pressure on teens to feel differently when they begin talking about relationships. Our teenagers are in a constant state of change, and we need to give space for them to feel what they are feeling when they feel something. Teens trust adults who are willing to hear them out and listen to their reasonings for their relationships. We should assist teens in navigating their feelings and help them understand the many aspects that come with being in a healthy relationship.

 

Relationships are hard. No matter the age.

Since I have journeyed into young adulthood, I have found it so incredibly easy to pretend like I know how to have a completely healthy and ‘normal’ relationship. Here’s the thing though: that is so not true. Adults (me included) like to pretend that things are better and perfect, but this lie can be so damaging when talking to teens. Teens are more responsive when they hear that an adult they respect has struggled or still struggles with creating healthy relationships. By admitting that relationships are difficult no matter how old we get, teens are able to make more informed decisions for their own lives. They can learn from our mistakes and our successes. Most of the teens we work with are coming from homes that do not have a model of what a healthy relationship looks like which can lead them to making some risky choices. Trusted adults should be the ones who model what is healthy and then allow teens to ask questions about relationships (with no judgement), no matter how awkward they may be.

 

As adults, I believe it is important to be open and honest about how hard relationships are. Teens feel so out of place as they attempt to define who they are and the best way to support them through figuring out relationships is to simply give them space to ask questions. We can also ask these questions of them:

What do you like about the person you are with?

Do you have boundaries that have been shared?

What are some things you like to do together?

What do you expect out of your relationship?

Shelbie Fowler is currently a volunteer for Teen Life and has her Masters in Family Studies. She is passionate about being an advocate for family life education in order to grow families stronger.

The Outsider/Insider Parent

The Outsider/Insider Parent

This is one of those blog entries which could be filed under: “Chris, you don’t know what this is like.” While I have kids, they are all little, and we are dealing with very different issues than parents of teenagers. And when you are in the thick of battle, often times perspective isn’t an available tool to explain certain behaviors of your child.

 

Outsider/Insider

My wife works in pediatrics at a children’s hospital. She really gets kids. So when my kids meltdown or do something that is “kid appropriate” but doesn’t mesh with my adult sensibilities, she is calm while I lose my mind. Being around little kids all day long has taught her what to expect developmentally, socially, and behaviorally. To boil it down, she is just a much, much better parent than I am to little kids 🙂

She kind of has an outsider/insider perspective of children. Being around kids all day long gives her enough perspective for when she comes home to the chaos of a house with three kids ages six and under. It doesn’t make the job any less difficult, but her perspective acts as a separating tool, giving enough space to know what is normal kid behavior and what crosses the line.

 

The denial problem 

I’ve worked with teenagers a long time and to be honest, working with their parents is much more difficult. I always love the parents I get to work with, but I’m also a little shocked (and I don’t use that term a lot) on how little perspective parents of teenagers can have. Or at least, there tends to be a lack of mindfulness when it comes to how parents are feeling about the whole teenager thing.

From my perspective as an outsider/insider, I see some parents of teenagers take this path:

Parents are not ready for their kids to enter adolescence.

So they…

Go into denial about their kid going through the adolescent journey.

Then they…

Spend too much time agonizing over/fighting with their kids through adolescence.

This can be really sad to watch. When the kid starts pushing their parent away as they enter adolescence and the parent takes it personally, conflict abounds and the divide widens. Battle lines are drawn and understanding gives way to hurt feelings and resentment.

What parents of pre-teens and young adolescents could benefit from is perspective and a general understanding of what their kid is going through. The most successful parents I have seen with their teenagers are the ones who can deal with the difficulties of adolescence with the perspective of an outsider.

 

The “outsider/insider” parent

Sometimes we a just too close to the situation. To gain perspective, we need to get “outside” of things to see what is really going on. When we get “outside” of things we see:

  1. Adolesence is a journey towards adulthood. This often begins with a teenager making space to figure things out. It isn’t personal, it’s developmental.
  2. With this space, teenagers will try on “new skins”. Things won’t connect or be consistent. Your kid isn’t going crazy. They are figuring things out.
  3. With these “new skins”, they will inevitably fail. Let them, and help them process what the failures mean.
  4. Just because they are pushing you away doesn’t mean that is what they actually want. Find new and creative ways to remain close and available.
  5. Your role as a parent needs to change. The time for correction is over. Now you get to be a coach.

 

How to get “outside”

Well, reading this blog is a good start. No, really – continue to find good, reliable resources on parenting and adolescence. Also, be on the lookout for parents who do this teenage parenting thing well. Ask them questions. Watch what they do and let them be a mentor.

Finally, ask your teenager what they need. To be honest, they probably won’t have a good answer, but it will help them understand that you are with them and trying to understand.

Being a parent is hard at all stages. When we can find ways to separate ourselves from the fog of parenting, we find there are new and creative ways to interact with our kids. We better understand what they are going through. Empathy and understanding take the place of resentment and exasperation.

We find that this phase of parenting might not be so bad after all.

Chris Robey, Teen Life’s Program Director, has worked with teens for over a decade and strives to help students see the best in themselves.
Don’t Panic about a Bad Story with Dr. Michael Arnold

Don’t Panic about a Bad Story with Dr. Michael Arnold

Listen & Subscribe:  iTunes | Android | RSS


 

Story-telling is a powerful tool, especially when working with teenagers. In this episode, Dr. Michael Arnold joins Chris to discuss Narrative Therapy and how you can use stories to start conversations and deepen relationships with teenagers. Don’t panic about Narrative Therapy, even you can utilize the power of story and metaphors!

In this episode, you’ll find out…

  • What Narrative Therapy is and how it can be used in counseling and everyday life.
  • The 3 stages of Narrative Therapy.
  • How we can help students reconstruct their story.
  • Why story is so important in our culture.
  • How you can use Narrative Therapy to build deeper relationships with teenagers.

Ask yourself…

  • Am I taking time to be still and just listen?
  • What do I want to change about my own story?

Go ask a teen…

  • What do you want this to mean in the future for you?
  • Is there anything that you want to be different in your story?

Resources:

In this episode, we mentioned the following resources:

About Us:

Michael Arnold, Psy.D., M.A.C.L. is a licensed clinical psychologist in the Dallas/Fort Worth area with over 17 years of education, training, and professional experience in providing psychological services for individuals, couples, and groups. Dr. Arnold is the founder of Alliance Counseling and Psychological Services in Southlake, Texas. He believes that therapy should consist of creating a safe and supportive environment to promote one’s ability to thrive in response to life’s challenges.

Chris Robey is the Program Director for Teen Lifeline, Inc. Earlier in his career while working as a youth minister, Chris earned a Masters Degree in Family Life Education from Lubbock Christian University to better equip his work with teenagers and families. Chris’ career and educational opportunities have exposed him to teenagers from a variety of backgrounds. Follow him on Twitter!

Karlie Duke started working as Teen Lifeline’s Communications Director after graduating from Abilene Christian University with a degree in Communications with a minor in Family Studies. Karlie has worked with teenagers for the past 5 years and is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories. Follow her on Twitter or Instagram!

Have a question?

If you have a question about something you heard or just want to give us some feedback, please leave us a comment below.  We would love to hear from you!

Don’t Panic about Foster Care with Shiloh Jones

Don’t Panic about Foster Care with Shiloh Jones

Listen & Subscribe:  iTunes | Android | RSS


If you know a teenager who is in the foster care system or who is living with someone other than their parents, you need to listen to this episode! We were thrilled to sit down and listen to the advice and insight Shiloh Jones brings! How do you interact with a teenager who lives in foster care? How can you be helpful and encouraging in the midst of a difficult situation? Don’t panic about foster care – you can be a supportive, encouraging force in a teenager’s life!

In this episode, you’ll find out…
  • The issues that children and teens in the foster care system have to deal with.
  • Why a child might enter foster care in the first place.
  • How foster children relate to the 5 Stages of Grief.
  • The unique restrictions and regulations put on teenagers in foster care.
  • What “aging out” of foster care looks like.
  • How you can support and encourage a teenager who is living apart from their parents.
Ask yourself…
  • Am I willing to be a stable, consistent relationship in this student’s life?
  • Have I noticed a change in attitude or behavior?
  • Am I being sensitive and aware of holidays and anniversary dates?
Go ask a teen…
  • What’s going on? How have things been?
  • What do you need?
  • Do you feel safe? Do you feel like you are in a safe place where you can be yourself and start to heal?
Resources:

In this episode, we mentioned the following resources:

About Us:

Shiloh Jones is a social worker in Denver and has worked in foster care for 7 years. She has spent a lot of time around kids and teens who have experienced unspeakable things and can struggle with mental illness or behavioral challenges. One of Shiloh’s ministries is to not just get these kids and teenagers to reach a goal but to really love on them and show them they are worth something and that they can do great things.

Chris Robey is the Program Director for Teen Lifeline, Inc. Earlier in his career while working as a youth minister, Chris earned a Masters Degree in Family Life Education from Lubbock Christian University to better equip his work with teenagers and families. Chris’ career and educational opportunities have exposed him to teenagers from a variety of backgrounds. Follow him on Twitter!
Karlie Duke started working as Teen Lifeline’s Communications Director after graduating from Abilene Christian University with a degree in Communications with a minor in Family Studies. Karlie has worked with teenagers for the past 5 years and is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories. Follow her on Twitter or Instagram!
Have a question?
If you have a question about something you heard or just want to give us some feedback, please leave us a comment below.  We would love to hear from you!
Don’t Panic about Substance Abuse with Sara Kaylor

Don’t Panic about Substance Abuse with Sara Kaylor

Listen & Subscribe:  iTunes | Android | RSS

Teenage substance abuse is a growing problem, especially with the changing marijuana laws. In this episode, you’ll hear from the Program Manager of a rehabilitation center for adolescents. Don’t panic about teenage substance abuse, we’re here to talk through substance use trends, treatment options and the importance of family support!

In this episode, you’ll find out…

  • Substance abuse trends among teenagers.
  • Some advice to give teenagers who are trying to recover in a difficult environment.
  • How families can help loved ones successfully navigate substance abuse treatment.
  • How to navigate the “marijuana debate.”
  • Some warning signs of drug use.
  • The first step adults can take to confront teenagers about drug use.

Ask yourself…

  • Have I noticed any behavior or financial changes with that teenager?
  • How can I help them change their environment to make recovery easier?

Go ask a teen…

  • I’ve noticed some big changes in your life. What’s going on?
  • How can we change the people, places and things in your life to help you quit using that substance?
  • What can you personally control that would help with substance abuse recovery?

Resources:

In this episode, we mentioned the following resources:

About Us:

Sara Kaylor, LCDC, CRC, LPC Intern is the Program Manager at The Youth Campus, a division of MHMR of Tarrant County. She oversees inpatient and outpatient rehabilitation services for The Youth Campus and has been there for the last 5 years. Each week, Sara oversees programs and services that help adolescents deal with substance abuse addictions.

Chris Robey is the Program Director for Teen Lifeline, Inc. Earlier in his career while working as a youth minister, Chris earned a Masters Degree in Family Life Education from Lubbock Christian University to better equip his work with teenagers and families. Chris’ career and educational opportunities have exposed him to teenagers from a variety of backgrounds. Follow him on Twitter!

Karlie Duke started working as Teen Lifeline’s Communications Director after graduating from Abilene Christian University with a degree in Communications with a minor in Family Studies. Karlie has worked with teenagers for the past 5 years and is passionate about encouraging students to live better stories. Follow her on Twitter or Instagram!

Have a question?

If you have a question about something you heard or just want to give us some feedback, please leave us a comment below.  We would love to hear from you!