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Don’t Panic about Social Media with Sarah Brooks

Don’t Panic about Social Media with Sarah Brooks

by | Mar 29, 2016 | Parenting, Podcast, Resources

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Sarah Brooks joins us on the Stay Calm, Don’t Panic! Podcast to talk all things Social Media! Are you concerned about your teenager’s digital life? Are you looking for answers but don’t know where to start? Do your social media conversations only lead to fights? In this episode, we discuss the answers to all these questions and more.
 
 
 

In this episode, you’ll find out…

  • How teenagers view social media, and why it isn’t the same as how adults view it.
  • The top apps that teenagers are using in 2016 (according to “sarahstistics”).
  • How social media affects teenagers’ self-esteem.
  • The benefits and positive aspects of social media.
  • A different perspective of how to view social media.
  • How to create a sacred, tech-free space.

 

Ask yourself…

  • Am I choosing my battles wisely when talking about social media with teenagers?
  • Am I having a conversation about social media or starting a battle?
  • What am I scared of when it comes to social media?
  • How much time am I spending on my phone? Am I willing do what I am asking of my teenager?

 

Go ask a teen…

  • What are the top 3 apps that you like to spend your time on?
  • Do you feel pressure from social media? Do you feel the need to keep up and get as many followers as your friends?
  • When am I on my phone that you wish that I weren’t?

 

[bctt tweet=”You’re not dealing with an app problem, you’re dealing with a teenage problem! – @teenlife_ngo @sarahbrooks13″ via=”no”]

 

Additional Resources:

In this episode, we mentioned the following resources:

Have a question?

If you have a question about something you heard or just want to give us some feedback, please leave us a comment below.  We would love to hear from you!

About Us

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Chris Robey
Chris Robey

Former CEO

Sarah Brooks

Sarah Brooks

Special Guest

Follow Us

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Is The Bachelor Female Porn?

Is The Bachelor Female Porn?

by | Mar 10, 2016 | Dating, Entertainment, Parenting

How do we combat the false image of romance portrayed in the media we consume?

Before you freak out about the title of this blog, give me a chance to explain.

I am a hopeless romantic. My favorite movie is still Disney’s Beauty and the Beast. I love the stories where the princess falls in love and lives happily ever after. When it comes to books, I read anything and everything with a love story – Nicholas Sparks, The Twilight Saga, The Selection Series, anything by Karen Kingsbury. I have iron-clad opinions on whether Katniss should end up with Gale or Peeta. I cried my way through The Notebook and even read the less-popular sequel.

I admit that I am a faithful watcher of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. I can tell you the names of the couples that are still together, watched all their TV weddings and even follow a few of my favorites on social media. I love the romantic dates, seeing who will get a rose each week, and watching the guys pick out the perfect engagement ring. I live for that final episode when the man gets down on one knee, and you see their love story come together for the perfect finale. Have I mentioned that I love all things romance?

But “porn,” really?? “Porn” can be a taboo word for our culture. Yes, we know it is out there, but we are not always willing to talk about it. Why would we want to bring up such an awkward topic with our teenagers? They don’t struggle with pornography addiction…and especially not my daughter!

Think again. According to research done by Covenant Eyes, 90% of boys and 60% of girls are exposed to pornography before the age of 18. That is your teenager. They are growing up in a culture where they can access pornography 24/7 on their television, laptop, or on the tiny phone that is attached to their hand. Pornography is a problem for adolescents and an issue that we do not ignore, but this blog is not about that type of pornography – naked pictures, sexting, magazines and x-rated movies (we will save that for another day).

For today, I want to speak mainly to the girls out there. Whether or not you connect with my story (or know someone else that does), I believe that our culture encourages girls and women to fall in love with these fictional men and their perfect relationships where arguments and morning breath do not exist.

In their book, Dateable: Are You? Are They?, Justin Lookadoo and Hayley DiMarco write:

“This is the #1 thing that distorts a girl’s view of reality, men and relationships. Maybe you haven’t heard it called female porn. Maybe you know it by the softer, more acceptable terms of “chick flicks” and romance novels…Your porn isn’t sexual, it’s romantic. But it gives you a warped view of men…if you have a man in your life, you begin to look at him in light of Mr. Perfect, and he can’t compare. He’ll never be as beautiful or romantic as the movie star with all the makeup and good lighting…It creates men who rescue you from out-of control buses and shower you with rooms full of roses. They fly you off to Paris for the weekend and save you from the evil villain bent on destroying the world. These men don’t exist…you are imposing an impossible set of demands on your guy.”

I am not saying that we need to ban romance movies or books – what would I do in my free time?

But I do have a few suggestions for how we can combat this culture where girls are looking for a Prince Charming who will never come, and where guys feel like they can never live up to the romantic standard set by Hollywood.

1. Discuss realistic expectations.

When you talk to teenagers about the latest romantic comedy, make sure that they know that those are unrealistic expectations. While it is not unrealistic to expect a man to open your car door, hold your hand or treat you like you deserve to be treated, men (just like women) are imperfect. They aren’t going to bring home flowers every day. Their lines aren’t written by a producer who makes a living by making you cry. They probably aren’t going to stand outside of your window with a boombox to win your affection. They sometimes smell, they don’t always enjoy everything you do and they probably don’t have the bank account to support your love of diamonds or to fly you across the world for an exotic date.

It is okay to give a reality check. Encourage them to write down what they are actually looking for in their “perfect mate.” Focus on qualities and characteristics, not necessarily on their physical appearance or ability to give great gifts.

2. Set Realistic Boundaries

You know your teenager best. If you see them falling into this romantic porn trap, set a few boundaries. Maybe they need to take a break from Nicholas Sparks. Perhaps you set a boundary where they have to sit down and have a discussion with you after they watch or read anything in that romance genre. Encourage them to find new, age-appropriate TV shows, books, or movies to invest their time in – try watching The Voice or Fixer Upper. Protect their hearts by limiting their exposure to romantically-saturated forms of entertainment. Maybe it is time to start a new hobby, like knitting!

3. Model Realistic Relationships

Real relationships exist, so don’t hide the realities of marriage from your teenager. You are doing a disservice to your children if you pretend that your marriage is as perfect as the ones we see on-screen. It’s okay for them to see you argue every now and then. Start bragging about the little things that your spouse does. Show that romance can come in the form of a well-timed kiss on the cheek, coming home to clean dishes, or a text asking how your day was. Surround your teenagers with healthy relationships, in and out of the home, where they can see how marriages work on a day-to-day basis.

What do you think of this idea of female, or romantic, porn? Do you have any other ideas for how we can protect and encourage teenagers?

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

How to Help Teenagers Make Good Choices

How to Help Teenagers Make Good Choices

by | Feb 25, 2016 | Blog, Parenting

How do you help teenagers make good choices? It starts small. 

When it comes to making a decision, many people would rather not. There is always inherent risk when it comes to choosing a path, no matter how grandiose or miniscule. You could easily choose the wrong path, then potentially face ridicule from the 20/20 vision of future observers.

I am a reluctant decision maker. Usually, I am the one called upon to choose where the group eats or to choose the focus or direction of a conversation within a new group. I likely appear comfortable with the task, but inside I can be riddled with doubt and anxiety. Usually I’ll make the choice because no one else will. But it would be untrue to say that I am the one who wants to decide because I always think I’ll make the right choice.

Yet, to grow and lead in this world, we have to find a way to make choices and to hopefully make good choices. 

We are often hesitant to make any choice – why is that? 

I come from a faith background that talks a lot about finding God’s will for our lives. You hear about “waiting for God to speak” and trying to discern what God is desiring for one’s life choices. Often you will find this language peppered throughout sermons and private prayer lives – hoping God will rescue us from having to make the tough choices.

You see it in the second guessing of people who do have to make hard choices. I think this is why politicians are so maligned. While I’m not saying they are always virtuous or faultless in how they make choices, they have to make hard decisions on law, budgets, and policy. It is their job to choose a direction and stick with it, no matter the criticism or shift in public opinion.

Most of the criticism for those who make hard decisions comes from those who do not have to make those choices. There is an entire cottage industry of political pundits and newspaper columnists who exist solely to critique or criticize decisions other people make, without really having to make any of their own (at least of equal consequence).

Stack that on top of the advent of social media where everyone can say anything about anyone, anytime and you find a recipe for a populous who has very little vested stake in any kind of meaningful decision making.

I think we learn how to make decisions and hard choices earlier in life than we realize. 

Despite growing awareness around mental health, there remains a stigma associated with therapy. Many teens and parents hesitate to seek therapeutic help due to fears of judgment or labeling. Support groups, on the other hand, are perceived differently. They are seen as peer-driven and less formal, making it easier for teens to participate without feeling stigmatized.

If you were raised in a house where there were very few consequences, or overly harsh consequences for your choices and actions, likely you could struggle making hard choices. Or if the opportunity to fail was taken from you and all you have ever known is success, then you could struggle to make decisions as well.

Deciders will inevitably make the wrong choice. But someone who is adept at making these choices is willing to live with the consequences of making the wrong choice. They take ownership in the process and know they made the best possible decision with the information available.

 

Friends, we have to help teenagers make choices and informed decisions.

And, I think this is where we start. So often we want teenagers to make “good” or “better” choices, but often they aren’t making many choices to begin with. I understand the logic behind the idea of “not making a choice – that is a choice,” but I’m speaking of proactive, informed, and future-thinking choices.

Consider these things to help students feel confident enough to make good choices:

  • Start with the small stuff. We don’t get the big, important choices right until we can practice with the small stuff. Encourage students to engage in decision-making throughout their day in a way that they can point back to.
  • Encourage them to choose one “hard” decision a day. Something like eating a salad instead of a burger, or choosing to exercise instead of watching TV. Learning to make the harder, but better choice builds up the confidence to make the right choices in the long run.
  • Help them take ownership of their choices. So if things unravel and blow up after a decision, they can look you in the eye and tell you why they did it, why it failed, and what they plan to do in the future that might be different. Failure is not a bad thing. Failure is something to learn from, but you have to take ownership to begin with.

Imagine a world where teenagers start to make good choices based on good information, support from their parents and peers, and ownership of their failures and successes. I believe we would see a drop in crime and drug use, and an increase in community, church engagement, and school involvement. And, I think we can agree we would all like to see these things!

What do you think about this? Do you have other ideas for how to help teenagers make good choices?

Chris Robey
Chris Robey

Former CEO

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The Power of Your Words

The Power of Your Words

by | Feb 18, 2016 | Parenting, Resources

How to harness the power of your words when speaking of teens.

Have you ever had that one person that you just really don’t like? There isn’t always good reason, but when their name is brought up, you inwardly roll your eyes and try your best to hide those negative impulses? That’s not just me…right?

Recently, I realized that I had developed an incredibly strong opinion about a person without even knowing them personally – let’s call him Max. Through other people’s opinions, I began to see Max as selfish, moody and disrespectful. What’s even worse is that I didn’t realize my bias until someone else’s opinion began to change my mind!

Once again, without any personal interaction, I created an opinion in my head based on how someone talked about Max. However, this new influencer had the opposite effect. Where I used to roll my eyes when his name was brought up, suddenly, I found myself defending his decisions and giving him the benefit of the doubt when he made mistakes. After spending time with one of Max’s best friends, I stopped treating Max like he had personally wronged me (which he hadn’t), I began to see him as a likable, funny person who needed a little grace, just like the rest of us.

All because of one opinion.

You might be asking – what did they say? How can a few words change your opinion so quickly? And that’s just it – it really didn’t take much. His friend didn’t bribe me or make up stories about his heroic efforts on the weekends, they simply spoke kindly about Max. In every word, every description and even through their tone, I could tell that they genuinely believed the best about Max. There was a reason that they were friends, and it made me want to be his friend, too!

Michael Hyatt just wrote a blog about the importance of affirming your spouse, and after my experience with Max, I am a firm believer in the power of your words and their ability to shape someone’s opinion.

If it is important to lift up, encourage and affirm your spouse, it should be just as important to do the same for your kids (especially your teenagers)!

Here are a few reasons why it is crucial to speak positively about teens:

Your words will shape the opinions of others.

As parents, teachers, youth ministers, coaches and mentors, we need to check what words and stories are coming out of our mouths. Especially when you are talking to people who do not personally know that teenager, there is no excuse for gossiping and spreading negative opinions about a student. When all you do is vent to friends or other parents, you are only giving them a glimpse into the most negative aspects of that teen.

How are they supposed to overcome that difficult teacher or the task of making good friends when everyone already has negative, preconceived notions about who they are and their priorities. Give them a chance to make friends or enemies based on their own interactions, instead of the thoughtless words of an angry, frustrated adult. Choose to say kind and positive things more often than telling negative stories.

Give your friends, their teachers, and other adults a reason to like your teenager.

Your words will shape your opinion.

When you say positive things about that teenager, you will start to notice more positive things to say. Instead of jumping to the worst possible conclusion, tell others how much they are trying. Tell that story about how sweet they were when their little sister was crying (you don’t have to mention that they caused the crying in the first place). Focus on the things they are great at – whether that is school, band, being a good teammate, or helping around the house.

If you get in the habit of bragging on your kids, students and players, you might find that you have more reasons to brag on them than you originally thought. Just like your words can change the opinions of others, they can also influence your own patience and treatment of teens.

Give yourself a reason to like that teenager.

Your words will shape their opinion.

I will never forget the times that my parents bragged about me to their friends, or the time I overheard my youth minster telling someone he wanted his daughter to grow up and be like me. I can remember thinking, “If they think that of me, I need to keep going and prove them right!”

You know that warm, fuzzy feeling when you know someone is proud of you? Can you imagine what teenagers would act like if they got that feeling often – weekly, even daily?

Tell that teenager that you are proud of them. Write it in a note. Say it out loud. Tell everyone you know how great they are. Use your words to empower and encourage your teenager to act, think and live better.

Give teenagers a reason to like themselves.

I DARE YOU

Take this next week and consciously look for positive things to say about the teenagers in your life. If a negative thought or word comes up, immediately think of two positive things to replace it with.

Let us know how this experiment goes and if it changed the way you or others fell about teens. Help combat the negativity that is too often involved with these teenage years.

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

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How to Get the Most Out of Your Teen

How to Get the Most Out of Your Teen

by | Feb 11, 2016 | Blog, Parenting, Support Groups

Teenagers generally don’t feel they can talk to their parents.

The environment, social interactions, and educational expectations for teens are constantly changing, but one thing has remained. Teenagers generally don’t feel they can talk to their parents.

I’m coming from a place where I sit in groups with teenagers who are strangers to me and within 30 minutes of talking to them can get them to share who the most important person in their life is and why. This is also for any youth worker who wants their conversations to get better.

I’m hopeful that this helps you, and I’m also hopeful it helps me as I start to create an environment for conversation with my elementary school kids that will carry into their teen years – because we all know if I wait, it’ll only get harder.

One of the students in a group I was leading brought up the difficulty she was having talking to her dad. There are lots of things involved with this situation, but I believe if her dad read these tips, he could learn so much more about his daughter.

With that in mind here are the tips I have found to be helpful, and I hope you can apply them to your relationship with your teen as well.

Talk less.

As a parent, it is difficult not to fill the silence. Resist this urge. In our training for group facilitators, we teach that counting to at least 10 (counting to 30 is better) when silence begins can help us wait long enough before assuming the other person is done talking. With kids, they are often just processing out loud, something most adults have decided needs to be done internally.

For them, it is normal to say out loud what they are thinking because they are trying it out. Let them. The fact is, they will become uncomfortable too, and they will likely say something else to fill the silence. 

Really listen.

Decide at the beginning of a conversation that this is about them. Take a position of listening. Don’t look for what is wrong so you can correct them, or even worse, don’t see problems that don’t actually exist.

Listen just to hear, listen to learn, listen to be able to repeat back.

Make an intentional decision to not be thinking about how to answer or how to tell them what they should be thinking or doing instead. There is a stage of life for that, but it should mainly apply to kids under 9 years old.

Ask great questions. 

You can decide to do the others, but asking good questions is a skill – asking questions that invite more information, that don’t put them on the defensive and that show empathy are key and vital to getting the most out of your teen. Here are some suggestions to get you thinking:

  • What bothered you about feeling that way?
  • Have you ever thought that before?
  • What do you think will happen if you do that?
  • How do you think this might affect your future (or those around you)?

These are just some ideas to get you thinking, but the point here is to ask open-ended, inviting questions without making assumptions or projecting your bias onto the student you are working with.

Don’t correct unless safety is a concern.

This is so hard because we as parents tend to think that this is our full-time job, or maybe that’s just me.

It is easy to feel that if we don’t correct or advise in a situation with a kid, we are depriving them of a learning opportunity or wasting a teachable moment.

What if the teachable moment happened without us saying anything?

As I mentioned above, at this age, kids are trying things out. Allowing this in a safe way actually helps them learn better.

Here’s how I would suggest using this…

Simply decide to allow a whole conversation to happen without correcting, unless it is something dangerous. It will be hard, but do it. Decide to do this on a regular basis, but you have to realize how often that makes sense – once a week, twice a month, 5 days a week. Whatever it is, allow your conversation to be driven by your child or the teen you’re working with without any advice or correcting on your part (don’t worry too much, the odds of having the same conversation again are good). The value you will gain by doing this will open doors you never knew existed as they feel more comfortable sharing because they won’t feel so judged.

Create a safe environment.

One of the best things I have ever heard was a story about a father who told his kids that the old truck sitting out by the barn that didn’t run was a “safe zone.” It was the one place they could have conversations and tell him anything without any punishment.

Consequences sometimes are unavoidable but he committed to no punishment. They knew that anytime they needed to tell something they feared they would be grounded for or worse, their cell phone would get taken away, they could tell him in that old truck.

You can do this too.

Declare a safe zone in or around your house.

At our house, right now, it is simply that my kids can tell me, “I need to tell you something but I don’t want to get in trouble for it.” I have given them permission to share anything because I would rather be in the loop than be seen as the enemy when it comes to decisions that affect character and life lessons my kids experience.

Reassure them about everything.

This is an extension of the listening tip.

If you really are listening, you will hear opportunities to come back to and reassure them that you are there for them.

A simple recognition of their interest or a question about a relationship they told you about can help them know that you truly care.

This isn’t about you, so you can’t measure this based on how many times you think is enough. You have to keep reassuring until they tell you to stop or until that season has passed and it is no longer an issue.

 

If you work with teens, knowing how to get more out of conversations is vital to their success.

Maybe you have some better ideas! Take a minute to share them below. We love hearing from you and learning together.

Ricky Lewis

Ricky Lewis

Founder & Former Executive Director

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