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Teenagers and the Pursuit of Independence

Teenagers and the Pursuit of Independence

by | Jun 16, 2025 | Blog, Parenting

Helping Teens Navigate the Shift from Dependence to Freedom

One of the core tasks or “jobs” of adolescence is figuring out how to go from being a kid who depends on adults to becoming an adult who can stand on their own. It’s a big leap. And (spoiler alert) it doesn’t happen overnight.

This journey toward independence is both natural and necessary. It’s part of healthy development. But let’s be honest, it’s not always smooth. It can look like door slamming, dramatic sighs, constant phone scrolling, or the infamous phrase: “You just don’t understand!”

But what if we did understand a little better?

Let’s peel back the curtain on why teenagers crave independence, and how we, as the trusted adults in their lives, can guide them to seek that freedom in a healthy, growth-filled way.

Why Does Independence Matter to Teens?

From the time they hit middle school, teens start to wrestle with questions like:

  • Who am I apart from my parents or caregivers?
  • What do I believe? What do I want? What matters to me?
  • Can I make choices on my own? And what happens when I do?

They’re testing boundaries, not just to be rebellious, but to figure out where the boundaries are and whether they still need them.

That deep desire for freedom is hardwired into the teen brain. And let’s be real: sometimes their fight for independence is loud. But that fight isn’t always about us as adults. It’s about them trying to make sense of who they are and who they are becoming.

What Does This Need for Independence Look Like?

The need for independence can show up in all kinds of ways, some obvious and others more subtle:

Increased Phone Usage

It might not just be a distraction or addiction. Their phone is often their portal to freedom, privacy, and identity exploration.

Pulling Away from Family

Teens may start choosing friends, sports teams, youth group, or even solitude over family dinners. This is normal, but it still matters how we respond.

Testing Limits

This might look like breaking curfew, pushing back on rules, or wanting to be the one who decides what’s “fair.”

Making Big Declarations

“I’m not going to college.” “I’m moving out the second I turn 18.” These dramatic statements often mask a deeper desire to be taken seriously.

Instead of just seeing these as problems to fix, we can learn to see them as signs of a young person becoming someone who’s learning to step into adulthood.

How Can We Help Teens Seek Freedom in a Healthy Way?

Helping teens learn independence is a balancing act. I won’t pretend that it is easy…you once changed their diapers, tied their shoes, and reminded them to wear deodorant. But here are a few practical ways we can support that journey:

1. Give Age-Appropriate Responsibility

Want a teen to act like an adult? Give them small ways to be one. Chores, part-time jobs, managing their own money, and decision-making opportunities all build confidence and autonomy. If you want them to know how to do something when they are on their own, let them practice while they are still with you.

2. Offer Freedom with Boundaries

Freedom without guidance is chaos. Boundaries without freedom feel like a cage. It’s okay to say, “You can do this, but here’s the limit.” Teens will probably push back. That’s not failure; it’s part of learning how freedom works.

3. Stay Connected, Even When They Pull Away

Teens may not say it, but they still need you. In fact, their independence journey works best when they’re securely attached to safe, caring adults. So show up. Keep asking questions. Don’t take the silence or eye-rolls personally. Independence isn’t about doing life alone. It’s about having the confidence to try, knowing someone has your back.

4. Affirm Their Growth

Celebrate when they make good choices. Let them know you see how they’re maturing. Even when they mess up (and they will), focus on growth over guilt.

5. Be a Safe Place for Hard Questions

Sometimes teens just want to try out ideas without being corrected or judged. Create space for that. Curiosity is not rebellion, it’s exploration. Maybe they even need to find a place outside of home that offers this. See if Teen Life Support Groups are on their school campus. They are a great place for teens to ask questions and express their feelings with trusted adults and peers.

Reminder: Freedom is a Process, Not a Switch

Here’s the truth, teenagers don’t wake up one day and suddenly become responsible, self-sufficient adults. The transition period is often awkward and full of mistakes, but independence is best found with support, trust, and grace.

So the next time you’re faced with a teen who’s pushing boundaries or glued to their phone, pause and ask: What freedom are they really looking for?

Then lean in. Not to control, but to help develop that independence muscle.

When teenagers feel like they have earned that freedom in a safe environment, it is a beautiful thing to witness.

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

More Resources You Might Like

Episode 14: Independence and "Likes"
Image of sneaking girl with finger over her lips like she has a secret. Title overlay reads Teen Life podcast, episode 114, sneaking.
Podcast Ep. 88 revisiting Thrivers with Michelle Borba

5 Ways to Keep Teens Safe This Summer

5 Ways to Keep Teens Safe This Summer

by | May 7, 2025 | Mental Health, Parenting, Summer

Helping Keep Teens Safe This Summer: Boundaries That Build Trust

As a teenager, there are few things greater than Summer Break – no school, sleeping in, more time with friends, days by the pool or at the lake, family vacations, snow cones, and a little more freedom.

But here’s the thing: with all that freedom often comes…fewer boundaries.

While summer brings a break from school schedules, it can also lead to relaxed expectations and fewer boundaries. We get it—teens crave independence, and honestly, they deserve the chance to spread their wings. And as someone who works with students during the school year, let me gently remind you: to keep teens safe, they still need your guidance, even in the midst of all the fun.

In fact, summer might just be the most important time for trusted adults to lean in even more. Not to restrict them, but to help guide them—because deep down, teens want to know someone’s in their corner, paying attention, and helping them make wise decisions.

5 Ways to Help Keep Teens Safe, Empowered, and Connected This Summer

Know Where They Are—But Make It About Trust, Not Control

I’m not saying you have to constantly be tracking their location, but you can build a habit of simple check-ins. Set a family standard where your teen calls or texts before changing plans. It’s a quick way to keep everyone on the same page, and it encourages teens to think through their actions and communicate their choices.

Headed to a friend’s house? Great! Grabbing a Sonic drink? Love it! On the way home? Awesome—see you soon.

The goal here isn’t surveillance—it’s connection. When your teen shares where they’re going and what they’re doing, it opens up opportunities for real conversations:

“Who were you with?” “What made you laugh the most?” “What was the highlight of your day?”

These moments build trust and show that you care, not just about their safety, but about them.

Agree on a Curfew and Stick to it.

Curfews get a bad rap, but hear us out: they actually help teens feel secure, even when they pretend they hate them. So don’t toss the curfew out altogether just because school’s out! Whether it’s 10 PM or midnight, your curfew is a clear message: “I’m thinking ahead for you, and I want you to come home safe.”

Most importantly, talk about curfew before it becomes an issue. If your teen walks in at 2 AM and you’ve never had the curfew conversation, that’s on you—not them. Clear expectations create fewer surprises (and fewer arguments!).

And when plans change last-minute? Trust your gut. Not every home has the same standards, and it’s okay to say “no” to a sleepover that wasn’t pre-planned. Saying, “Come on home,” is one way you show your teen that their well-being comes first. Teens are smart—they’ll remember which adults stayed steady and showed up with care.

Have a Built-In Accountability Plan

This doesn’t have to be a formal contract. But having a simple routine that keeps everyone honest? That’s gold.

One family we know had a rule: every teen had to wake their parent up with a hug or a kiss when they got home—no exceptions. At the time, the teen thought it was just sweet (or maybe annoying). Later? They realized it was accountability in disguise.

You don’t have to copy that exact rule, but find one that works for your family. Whether it’s a quick chat when they walk in, a lights-on check-in, or just a “text me when you’re home”. The point isn’t to catch them doing something wrong—it’s to keep the door open for connection and honesty. Accountability is a signal: you matter, and I’m here.

Keep the Conversation Going

Boundaries are great. But connection? That’s the real superpower.

If you want to keep your teen safe, the best thing you can do is know them. Like, really know them. Know their friends. What they’re watching. What’s stressing them out. What’s lighting them up.

If that kind of relationship feels far off right now, that’s okay. It’s never too late to lean in. Start small. Ask good questions. Stay curious. Be present.

Need a place to start? Check out our podcast episode on building trust and connection with Brenda McAdoo. You’ve got this!

Be the “Cool House” (With a Side of Structure)

Worried about what might happen at someone else’s house? Make your house the place to be.

You don’t have to install a slushie machine or buy out the snack aisle (though no one’s stopping you). Just be the house that welcomes teens in and sets the tone. Host movie nights. Set up a fire pit. Get out the crazy, loud board games. Perfect an easy dessert (Brookies are always a hit – check out the recipe below).

Create a space where teens can be themselves—and where they know they’re safe, seen, and loved. Don’t shy away from setting rules or expectations. They’ll respect you more for it, even if they pretend otherwise.

Don’t just manage chaos this summer…stay engaged and connected!

You’re helping shape a teen’s sense of identity, worth, and belonging. Boundaries don’t push teens away—they pull them closer when done right. 

They’re listening—even when it seems like they’re not.

And hey, if you’ve got other summer survival tips or stories, we’d love to hear them! Drop a comment or reach out—we’re in this together.

Have the best (and safest) summer ever!

Karlie’s Brookie Recipe

🍪 Prep Time: 10 mins
⏲ Bake Time: 40 mins
🍫 Servings: 24 bars

Ingredients:

  • 1 (16 oz) package refrigerated chocolate chip cookie dough
    (or your favorite homemade recipe — if you’re an overachiever!)

  • 24 Oreo cookies

  • 1 box brownie mix (plus eggs/oil/water as called for on the box)

Directions:

  • Preheat your oven to 350°F

  • Prep a 9×13 pan by lining it with parchment paper or lightly greasing it (or use a foil pan for less cleanup!)

  • Press the cookie dough evenly into the bottom of the pan. This is your delicious base layer!

  • Top with a single layer of Oreo cookies — about 24 should do the trick.

  • Mix the brownie batter according to the box instructions.

  • Pour the brownie batter evenly over the Oreos. Gently spread to cover.

  • Bake at 350°F for 40 minutes, or until a toothpick in the center comes out mostly clean.

  • Cool before slicing (if you can wait). Then cut, serve, and prepare to be asked to make them again and again!

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

More Resources You Might Like

ChatGPT 4 + Summer Bucket List
Teen Life Podcast episode 109

Goal Setting for Teenagers

Goal Setting for Teenagers

by | Mar 5, 2025 | Blog, Personal Development

Practical Steps for Goal-Setting Success

(Even When Life is Hard)

Setting goals can feel overwhelming for our teen friends, especially when life is stressful or uncertain. Whether they’re juggling school, friendships, or personal challenges, having small, achievable goals can provide a sense of direction and confidence.

One thing I love about Teen Life Groups is that when we discuss goals, we start small. We don’t ask teenagers to do a complete 180, but we do ask them to come up with one small thing that could make their lives a little better.

In Teen Life Groups, we’ve seen firsthand how small, consistent progress builds confidence.

Research even backs this up! A study by Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer called this the progress principle and found that tiny improvements can significantly boost emotions and improve performance. Simply put—small wins matter!

Keeping this philosophy in mind, here are some practical steps to help teens set and reach their goals, no matter what challenges they face.

​Start Small: Focus on One Step at a Time

Encourage students to pick one small goal and focus on that first.

A great way to make sure a goal is achievable is to follow James Clear’s Two-Minute Rule. If a new habit feels too big, scale it down to something that takes two minutes or less. For example, instead of setting a goal to “write in a journal every night,” start with “write one sentence before bed.”

Small actions lead to big progress! This will build confidence and allow them to check off tasks instead of waiting until the full goal is complete to see progress.

As a bonus, if you can gamify tasks, that might create more motivation. Listen to this Teen Life podcast episode for more on task gamification!

Write It Down & Keep It Visible

There is something that happens in the brain when we write things down – we are more likely to remember! This can be as simple as writing goals down in a journal or keeping sticky notes on their bathroom mirror or in their car.

In Teen Life Support Groups, we added a final group activity to have students write out their goals on paper and encourage them to put it somewhere where they will continue to see it. We recognized the power of seeing goals and getting them out of our heads!

Find a Support System

Similar to the last point, telling a trusted friend, mentor, or parent can go a long way in helping achieve goals. It is important for teens to find someone who can encourage and hold them accountable. Trusted adults are also helpful when teens feel stuck or need some guidance.

More support is never a bad thing!

Expect Setbacks & Be Flexible

Let’s be honest…achieving goals is never a straight line! Life happens. Mistakes are made. Deadlines are missed. A whole plate of cookies is eaten.

But if teens expect setbacks, they can make a plan to move forward and adjust instead of simply giving up. For example, if the goal to “read one book a month” becomes too overwhelming, they could adjust to “read 10 minutes every day.”

Progress is key – even if it is slower than teens want, small steps forward are better than quitting!

Celebrate Small Wins

To wrap up the importance of achieving small victories, teens will benefit from a little celebration. When they reach a goal or complete a step, take time to celebrate! That can be as simple as checking a box or ripping up a sticky note. Or it could include a treat, a special lunch, or a high-five.

At the end of a Teen Life Support Group, we encourage our facilitators to make that last group special with a celebration. Oftentimes, this involves bringing donuts, pizza, or a favorite candy. In one of our groups, a facilitator celebrated a student by bringing him a cosmic brownie for every week he went without getting in a fight.

It might seem small, but that act of celebration can be a powerful motivator and encourage them to continue to work towards their goals.

Teens

You are capable of more than you think. Start small, keep going, and watch what happens!

What’s one small goal you can set today? Write it down, tell a friend, and take that first small step!

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

More Resources You Might Like

how to recognize teenage burnout
Helping Teens Struggling in School
A gorilla and a grizzly bear

5 Ways to Prevent Vicarious Trauma

5 Ways to Prevent Vicarious Trauma

by | Sep 11, 2024 | Blog, Mental Health, Parenting, Personal Development

What is vicarious trauma and why is it important for me?

Sometimes, you have to put yourself first.

If you’ve flown on an airplane, we all know the classic instructions from the flight attendant, “Should an emergency occur, put your own oxygen mask on first before helping others.”

It sounds harsh, but it also makes sense…if you cannot breathe, you won’t be able to help anyone! And the same is true for you and your mental health. If you are burned out, overly stressed, chronically exhausted, or experiencing your own trauma, you will be limited in the ways you can help those around you.

As we mark Suicide Prevention Month, it’s vital to remember the impact that working with at-risk teens can have on those in a supporting role.

The emotional toll of supporting teens through their darkest moments can be overwhelming, leaving us feeling drained, vulnerable, and even traumatized. This phenomenon, known as vicarious trauma or compassion fatigue, is a stark reminder of the importance of self-care. By caring for ourselves, we can better care for them.

So what is vicarious trauma?

Vicarious trauma occurs when an individual is exposed to the trauma of another person and develops the symptoms of experiencing trauma, fear, or pain themselves. It is often seen in response to repeated exposure to the traumatic circumstances that others experience.

You might be thinking…isn’t that empathy?

While empathy — the ability to relate to others’ emotions — is a good thing, it can become toxic when you start to carry others’ feelings and experiences as your own.

That is why it is so prevalent among those who support teenagers.

Listening to stories, witnessing trauma, and supporting someone during a crisis is often traumatic, especially if you have any similar trauma in your past.

Common Signs of Vicarious Trauma

While vicarious trauma can present itself in many different ways, here are some of the most common signs:
  • Emotional exhaustion: Feeling drained or emotionally numb after interactions with others.
  • Mental Symptoms: Finding it harder to focus, experiencing panic attacks, anxiety, or depression.
  • Changes in worldview: Developing a more negative or cynical outlook on life.
  • Physical symptoms: Headaches, changes in appetite, fatigue, or difficulty sleeping.
  • Intrusive thoughts: Recurrent, distressing thoughts about the experiences you hear about.

Who’s at risk for vicarious trauma?

If you are regularly interacting with teenagers or other individuals who are sharing trauma or challenges, you are at risk of vicarious trauma. And honestly, these days it is made even worse by social media and the constant flow of information from our phones.

There have been times when I have gone down a rabbit hole on a social media account of a family going through a horrible situation. I didn’t know them, but after too much time looking through their feed, I felt like I did. I can also think of situations where I met with students in need and felt a “heaviness” for days afterward.

How do I cope with vicarious trauma?

If you can identify with any of these signs or symptoms, then it is time to put on your oxygen mask. This school year, try a couple of these coping strategies to help protect yourself from vicarious trauma.

Self-Awareness

Recognize the signs of vicarious trauma early. Being aware of your emotions and physical responses can help you address the impact before it becomes overwhelming.

Set Boundaries

Create and maintain boundaries to protect your emotional well-being. This might involve limiting the amount of time you spend discussing traumatic experiences or setting aside specific times for these conversations. It could also involve getting off social media or changing who you follow.

Seek Support

Don’t hesitate to talk to colleagues, loved ones, or a therapist about what you’re experiencing. Support can be invaluable in processing your emotions.

Practice Self-Care

Engage in activities that replenish your energy and joy. Exercise, invest time in your favorite hobby, go to brunch with friends, get a massage or pedicure. Regular self-care helps counterbalance the emotional toll of the important work you are doing.

Set Realistic Goals

Understand that you can’t solve all of a teenager’s problems. Focus on what you can do and accept that some situations are beyond your control.

By acknowledging vicarious trauma and actively taking steps to cope with it, you can continue to support the teens you work with without sacrificing your own well-being.

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

More Resources You Might Like

Top Tips for Talking with Teens about Suicide and Depression
Episode 71 - Suicide Prevention & BeReal
Why Empathy Matters

Why Empathy Matters

Why Empathy Matters

by | Mar 20, 2024 | Events, Mental Health, Support Groups

I often think of the faces and stories of teenagers that I get to work with every week.

Their pain is real. Their success changes lives. Their questions are relevant. Their stories change my perspective.

You may be asking yourself, “How deep can you really go with teenagers when you only see them once a week for an hour? Do they actually share? What could they be dealing with that could rival adult problems?”

You would be shocked.

I can learn more about a teen in a one-hour Support Group meeting than many people can find out over months.

How is this possible?

Empathy.

Empathy makes all the difference in the world. In these Support Groups, we are not asking questions because we want to be nosy, tell them what they are doing wrong, or even fix their lives. We ask questions because we want to step into life with them, even when it’s hard and there is no easy fix in sight.

I absolutely love this Brené Brown video. She expertly describes the difference between empathy and sympathy while revealing the power of showing true empathy in difficult circumstances.

 

 

When you watch the video, you can see that empathy is a powerful tool, especially when dealing with teenagers.

Just this year alone, I have had teenagers tell me about:

  • Broken home lives where they are forced to choose who they want to live with.
  • Families who encourage drug use while they are trying to stay clean.
  • Fathers who bring their mistress into the home while mom tries to keep the family together.
  • 30-hour work weeks to help the family pay medical bills.
  • A fear of graduation because that is when they will be kicked out of their house.
  • Extreme racism and name calling in a work environment.

Do I have the answers to these problems? Can I come up with magic words to make the hurt go away?

Absolutely not!

But I can listen. I can tell them that I am so sorry they are having to deal with such difficult life circumstances. I can sit in a chair beside them and step into their world for an hour a week. I can give them a safe, judgement-free zone to talk about their lives and problems.

I can empathize.

I encourage you to try some of the tactics mentioned in the video and to avoid phrases like “at least.” Step into a teenager’s shoes, crawl down into the pit with them, and show that someone cares and wants to listen.

For us to continue to provide these Support Groups and show empathy, we depend on donors like you.

You can donate, pray, volunteer or simply share our content with a friend!

Karlie Duke

Karlie Duke

Director of Communications

Karlie has always had a heart for teenagers. Through her role at Teen Life, she loves to showcase the amazing stories coming out of Support Groups, but she is especially passionate about helping adults and teenagers find connection. Karlie has a BS in Communications with a minor in Family Studies from Abilene Christian University.

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