Raising Grateful Teens in an Entitled World | Ep. 180

Raising Grateful Teens in an Entitled World | Ep. 180

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How can I help teens grow in gratitude?

Spend time with teens long enough and you’ll likely hear complaints about chores, groans about homework, or frustration when things don’t go their way.

At times, it can look like entitlement—like they expect everything to be handed to them. But before we throw up our hands and label this “a teen problem,” let’s dig deeper.

Key Question

Why do teens seem so entitled, and what actually helps them appreciate what they have?

What We Cover

02:03  Understanding Teen Entitlement
05:13  The Impact of Parenting Styles on Entitlement
08:00  Cultural Influences on Teen Expectations
11:06  Navigating Entitlement in Adolescence
11:35  The Balance of Parenting and Resilience
13:55  Navigating Expectations and Mental Health
15:42  Fostering Gratitude in Children
17:41  Encouraging Ownership and Real Life Lessons

What does entitlement look like in teens?

Entitlement can show up in subtle or obvious ways, such as:

  • Expecting privileges without responsibility.
  • Being ungrateful when given opportunities or gifts.
  • Struggling to handle “no” or boundaries.
  • Comparing themselves constantly to peers and feeling dissatisfied.

Sound familiar? The truth is, entitlement isn’t unique to teenagers—it’s part of being human. Teens are just in a developmental stage where they’re still learning how to balance expectations with gratitude.

What’s behind the entitlement stereotype?

It’s easy to blame a generation, but entitlement in teens often reflects bigger cultural and developmental realities:

  • Cultural Shifts: We live in a world of instant access and constant upgrades—gratification comes quickly.
  • Parenting Patterns: Well-meaning adults sometimes shield teens from struggle, unintentionally feeding unrealistic expectations.
  • Development Realities: Teens are wired to see the world through their own lens as they develop independence.
  • Social Media Comparison: A scroll through feeds can make any teen feel like they’re missing out or “deserve more.”

Perspective Shift

Instead of seeing entitlement as evidence that something is “wrong,” what if we reframed it as a normal part of growth?

Entitlement is not failure—it’s immaturity. And adults wrestle with it too! Think about how easy it is to complain when Wi-Fi is slow, or when a long line at the store feels unfair.

Teens are simply practicing, with our help, how to handle those same human tendencies.

The Cost of Entitlement

Unchecked entitlement can hurt teens in significant ways:

  • Relationships: It makes it harder to build empathy and deep connections.
  • Resilience: If they expect life to always be easy, setbacks feel overwhelming.
  • Motivation: Without instant rewards, they may give up or disengage.
  • Mental Health: Constant disappointment can fuel anxiety, anger, or even depression.

Practical Ways to Grow Gratitude in Teens

Here’s the good news: entitlement isn’t permanent. Teens can learn genuine gratitude when adults model it and create opportunities for growth.

Some strategies include:

  • Model thankfulness: Let your teen hear you say “thank you” often. Express gratitude for both big and small things.
  • Expose them to new experiences: Volunteering or serving others helps teens see beyond themselves.
  • Practice delayed gratification: Encourage saving for something they want or waiting for rewards.
  • Start gratitude journaling: Writing down daily blessings builds awareness over time.
  • Let them take ownership: Giving responsibility for chores, projects, or family contributions helps teens appreci

TL Tips and Takeaways

Don’t just force “thank yous.” Focus on cultivating genuine appreciation.

Show gratitude to your teen. Thank them for helping out, for following through, or simply for being present.

Take one step yourself. This week, grow your own gratitude—because when adults practice thankfulness, teens notice.

Some Last Thoughts

Helping teens move from entitlement to appreciation is not about shaming them—it’s about guiding them. When we model gratitude and give them chances to practice, we equip them with tools that will strengthen their relationships, resilience, and well-being for life.

Links & Resources:

Don’t forget to subscribe! Find us on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts. Have a question or a topic you’d love to hear about? Reach out on social media or email us at podcast@teenlife.ngo.
Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Tobin Hodges
Tobin Hodges

Program Director

Caleb Hatchett
Caleb Hatchett

Podcast Host

More Resources You Might Like

episode 53: gratitude & teen terms
3 mindset shifts for mentors
teenagers and the pursuit of independence

Teens and AI | Ep. 179

Teens and AI | Ep. 179

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What to Worry About and What to Celebrate with Teens and Artificial Intelligence

AI seems to have infiltrated every aspect of daily life.

If you’re around teenagers much, you’ve probably heard them mention AI—whether it’s ChatGPT, an art generator, or a Snapchat filter.

For some adults, the rise of artificial intelligence feels unsettling, like a loss of the “good ole days.” But here’s the truth: AI isn’t going anywhere. Instead of fighting against it, we can shift our perspective and ask: How can we help teens use it wisely, safely, and in ways that actually benefit them?

Key Question

How are teens actually using AI, and what should we be worried about?

What We Cover

00:00  Understanding AI’s Role in Teen Lives
04:14  The Pros and Cons of AI Companions
06:07  The Dangers of Emotional Attachment to AI
09:12  Academic Integrity and AI’s Impact on Learning
10:45  The Future of AI in Creative Industries
11:42  The Absurdity of AI Prompts
14:01  The Dangers of Misinformation
16:47  Cognitive Skills and AI’s Impact
19:59  Benefits of AI in Education
22:52  Navigating AI in the Classroom
24:58  Empowering Teens in the Age of AI

What AI looks like in a teen’s daily life.

AI isn’t just a futuristic concept—it’s embedded in the everyday world of teens. Here are a few ways they’re already using it:

AI Companions

Chatbots designed to simulate friendship, therapists, or even romance. This one is huge. Chatbots are currently integrated into nearly every platform you can think of. Meta is pushing them as companions for kids on Facebook and Instagram. Most customer service platforms are using them at least in the early stages of problem-solving. You might not even realize that it’s a chatbot!

Generative AI

You’ve probably heard a lot about this one as it relates to school. Teens are using tools like ChatGPT or Gemini that create text, essays, or poems.

Homework Help

Integrated into a lot of school/information-based platforms, but also found in search engines and chatbots. AI can provide quick answers, summaries, and explanations.

Art Generation

Platforms that turn text prompts into illustrations, logos, or digital art.

Social Media Filters

AI-driven filters that alter appearances and create effects.

Creative Projects

Music generation, video scripts, or design inspiration.

Search engines

With AI baked into Google and other platforms, nearly every search is influenced by it. It’s always important to click on the links it provides, because many of them don’t exist at all.

The Potential Dangers

Like any powerful tool, AI comes with risks—especially for impressionable teens:
  • Emotional attachment: Many teens are forming unhealthy bonds with AI companions and using them to substitute human relationships. Because AI companions’ objective is to be pleasing, they trigger the cue and reward system in the brain, which easily leads to addiction.
  • Plagiarism: With 97% of Gen Z students reportedly using AI for homework, many of them copying and pasting directly from AI tools, academic dishonesty is a real concern.
  • Misinformation: AI-generated responses can be wrong, misleading, or biased.
  • Inappropriate content: Teens can stumble into disturbing or harmful responses, including tips on how to self-harm and hide injuries, how to acquire illegal drugs or weapons, pornography, and more. Teens are also creating inappropriate content using other teens’ and adults’ images. Depending on the state, this can have very severe consequences and definitely merits a conversation.
  • Over-reliance for mental health: Turning to AI instead of trained counselors can backfire. AI has been recorded encouraging self-harm in minors and mistrust of parents and other adults.
  • Decreased cognitive skills: Studies suggest overuse may erode critical thinking.

The Benefits (Yes, There Are Some!)

Not all AI use is negative. In fact, when guided, teens can benefit greatly:
  • Personalized learning: AI can break down complex topics in simpler ways.
  • Creative exploration: Teens can make art, music, or stories they couldn’t have created otherwise.
  • Skill-building for future careers: Exposure now helps them prepare for an AI-driven workforce.
  • Brainstorming: Whether for essays, projects, or ideas, AI can spark creativity.
  • Research support: When used wisely, it’s a tool for gathering and synthesizing information.

AI can jumpstart writing projects, provide personalized feedback on rhetoric, grammar, and even how to improve foreign language skills. At times, it can generate fresh ideas, or simplify research. When managed well, it can be a useful companion tool, rather than a crutch.

Teaching Teens AI Literacy

Instead of just banning it, we can teach how to use it.

Here are 3 key points to touch on:

  • Critical thinking: Always ask, “Does this make sense?”
  • Fact-checking: Verify claims with reliable sources.
  • Bias awareness: AI reflects human bias—teens need to recognize that.

Perspective Shift

Artificial intelligence isn’t going anywhere. So instead of mourning the “good ole days”, let’s find ways to make it work for us!

TL Tips & Takeaways:

Here are a few practical steps adults can take today:

1. Set guardrails

Use age-appropriate settings, boundaries, and clear school guidelines (like when AI is off-limits for homework). Just keeping screens out of bedrooms and bathrooms makes a huge difference.

2. Stay Engaged

Adults need to understand what AI can do–it’s potential benefits and pitfalls, too. It’s hard to guide teens if we don’t understand the tools ourselves.

3. Normalize Conversations

A good, neutral poker face is crucial. Be shock-proof. Instead of fear, open dialogue about what teens are creating, learning, or curious about with AI.

Some Last Thoughts

Whether or not artificial intelligence is a force for good in your life, it is a force to be reckoned with. Any teen who has internet access should be aware of the potential benefits and harms of using AI.

It’s our job as caring adults to be a source of good information, and most importantly, a safe place for teens to ask questions.

With the increasing prevalence of AI companions, search engines, and generative AI, it’s more important than ever to not only be available, but to be actively seeking healthy, open connection with teens.

While AI can be used for good, the risk is high that its overuse will become an experience thief in the lives of our teens.

Let’s help them think critically about the pros and cons of the tools they use and the motivations behind them.

Don’t forget to subscribe! Find us on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts. Have a question or a topic you’d love to hear about? Reach out on social media or email us at podcast@teenlife.ngo.
Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Tobin Hodges
Tobin Hodges

Program Director

Caleb Hatchett
Caleb Hatchett

Podcast Host

More Resources You Might Like

Cheating and Artificial Intelligence Hoaxes, Deepfakes, and more
3 mindset shifts for mentors
Teens, Media and Information Sources

How to Connect with Busy Teens | Ep. 178

How to Connect with Busy Teens | Ep. 178

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Even with a packed calendar, connection is a vital part of everyone’s health.

If you’re a parent, mentor, or caring adult who’s ever felt like connecting with teens gets harder when life gets hectic—we know exactly how you feel.

Whether it’s summer break, exam season, or just a stretch where everyone’s calendars are jam-packed, it’s totally normal to feel like you’re missing each other. But today, we’re flipping the script and talking about why these moments are some of the most important times to lean in and stay connected.

Key Question

How can I continue to connect with teens when schedules are busy and their normal routines are disrupted?

What We Cover

00:00  Introduction and Humor
02:57  Connecting with Busy Teens
06:03  Utilizing Everyday Moments for Connection
09:00  Meeting Teens Where They Are
12:03  The Importance of Presence
15:03  Consistency in Communication
18:03  Navigating Distant Relationships
20:48  Conclusion and Encouragement

Why This Matters More Than Ever

1. Teens Still Need Us

Even if they’re acting super independent or glued to their phones, teens still crave guidance, stability, and support from trusted adults.

2. Disruptions Can Be Stressful

 A change in rhythm—whether it’s sports seasons, vacations, exams, or family events—can make teens feel overwhelmed or isolated. You can be their steady, calm in the chaos.

3. Small Check-ins Build Big Trust

 You don’t need more time. You just need to make the most of the time you do have.

Perspective Shift

Over the summer, connecting might look different. But showing up matters the most when it takes more effort!

It’s easy to feel disconnected when schedules don’t align, but relationships with teens don’t have to be ‘all or nothing.’

Small moments of connection can make a big difference.

What can you do to make connection happen?

Try These 5 Simple Strategies:

Make the Most of Small Moments

You don’t need a long, sit-down heart-to-heart to connect with a teen.

Some of the best conversations happen during everyday moments—car rides, making dinner, running errands, or even during the commercial break of a show. Use those natural pauses to check-in.

Ask something light like, “What was one high and one low from your day?” or “What’s something funny that happened this week?” You can even try something playful like a “Fist to Five”—ask how they’re doing on a scale from a closed fist (zero) to five fingers. These mini check-ins help you stay in tune without feeling forced or heavy.

Use Technology to Your Advantage

When in-person time is limited, digital connection can bridge the gap.

A simple text saying, “Thinking about you today—hope practice went well!” can brighten their day more than you might think. Try sending a meme, a song you know they like, or an inside joke that reminds them you’re thinking about them.

If you want to make it more personal, record a quick voice memo or video message—something they can hear in your voice or see on your face.

These small gestures make it easy to stay connected in a format that feels natural to them.

Meet Them Where They Are

If your teen is in a season where they’re juggling a lot—school, sports, rehearsals, part-time jobs—connection might mean showing up where they already are, rather than pulling them out of their world.

Maybe you only catch the second half of their game, or you sit nearby while they do homework without needing to chat. These quiet ways of being present can speak volumes.

You can also ask about what’s capturing their attention: “What’s a song you have on repeat lately?” or “What show are you hooked on right now?”

Showing genuine interest in their interests builds trust and opens doors.

Be Predictable and Consistent

When everything around them feels chaotic or uncertain, teens appreciate something that feels steady.

Even one predictable point of contact each week can become a lifeline.

Maybe it’s a Sunday night check-in where you ask, “What’s coming up for you this week?” Or a regular stop for coffee or smoothies after practice. Even just sending a “Good luck!” text before a big test or performance shows you’re tuned in.

Consistency—more than quantity—builds a sense of safety and connection over time.

Keep The Pressure Low

Let’s be honest—teens don’t always want to talk when we’re ready to listen.

That doesn’t mean they don’t want to connect; it just means they need space and options.

Create low-pressure opportunities to be together- “Want to grab ice cream after practice?” or “I’m running to Target—feel like tagging along?” These small, no-expectation invitations give them the freedom to show up on their terms.

Even if they decline, the offer still communicates that you want to spend time with them—and that matters.

TL;DR: Tips and Takeaways

  • Don’t take it personally if they seem distant—pulling away is normal and not about you.
  • Keep showing up—your consistency speaks volumes, even when they don’t say much.
  • Let them lead sometimes—Try simple, open statements like:
    • “I’m here if you ever want to talk.”
    • “No pressure, just checking in.”

Some Last Thoughts

Even in the busiest seasons, connection is still possible—and incredibly powerful.

It doesn’t have to be big or dramatic. In fact, teens often remember the small, consistent ways you showed up more than anything else. So keep reaching out, keep showing up, and know that your presence matters—maybe more than you realize.

Remember: you don’t have to be perfect, just present.

Don’t forget to subscribe! Find us on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Have a question or a topic you’d love to hear about? Reach out on social media or email us at podcast@teenlife.ngo.
Read Episode Transcript

Karlie (00:00)
How can I continue to connect with teens when schedules are busy and their normal routines are disrupted? So we are heading into end of school year, going into summer. And so I feel like this is such a timely question because right now teens are probably busier than they’ve ever been with finals, wrapping up all of their things, kicking off summer and then summer.

When I was a kid, Summer, was you didn’t do anything and that is not the case anymore. They do…

Caleb Hatchett (00:29)
Yeah. It’s, it’s getting shorter and shorter also. Like people are starting bandcamp like halfway through July. Like it’s crazy. I’ll plan a mission trip and it’s like, sorry. Sorry. You can’t go in June cause it’s bandcamp. I know, it’s intense. Yeah.

Karlie (00:34)
Well, that’s fair, but they…

Bandcamp is no joke too. But that’s what they do camps.

We’re doing sports are still going if they’re doing select club, AU, all of the things. Many older teens are also working, you add that they’re going on trips, they’re doing mission trips. so schedules just aren’t.

Caleb Hatchett (00:53)
Yeah, club, yeah.

Karlie (01:04)
even normally what they are, but this doesn’t just apply to summer. think as we’re talking about this, think through if you have a student who is in the middle of their sports season or is in the middle of band season or they’re in a play and they’re going to practices every single day and their routine just looks different. How do we connect and how can we keep going when they’re busy and you’re like, wait, I can’t even find a time to talk to them, whether you’re a parent or outside and

Caleb Hatchett (01:06)
No.

Yeah.

Karlie (01:33)
That’s almost even more difficult because you’re not seeing them as often. But it’s going to look different and that’s okay. I will say kind of maybe as our perspective shift, during these times when they’re busier and it’s more difficult, if you continue to show up, it’s going to make a bigger impact. Because you’re showing them, even when this is the toughest it’s going to be, I’m willing to step into that.

Caleb Hatchett (02:00)
Yeah.

Karlie (02:00)
And that shows you really care because you’re not just doing it when it’s easy. You’re

doing it when you’re having to text me five times and go, hi, still here. You’re not answering me, but still care about you. Hope you’re doing good. And that shows a lot to a student. And it doesn’t have to be this all or nothing of we have to be super connected all the time or I’m not connected at all. And I’m just going to fall off looking for these small moments can make.

Caleb Hatchett (02:09)
Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

Karlie (02:28)
a big difference.

Caleb Hatchett (02:29)
Yeah. I, you know, I think, you know, even, even using everyday moments, is what is going to have to happen, especially when they’re busy of, you know, taking advantage of the times that are just already prebuilt into a day, ⁓ car rides, meal times, commercial breaks, you know, like of, using, you know, maybe the thing that, you know, they are decompressing, but you still want to make the most out of the time. And yeah, it doesn’t have to be something big. It doesn’t have to be, Hey, let’s go, let’s go and make like a big day out of something. If they’re in the middle of just busyness and just need time to decompress, need time. It’s not too much. You can still check in.

Karlie (03:02)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (03:13)
Without adding to all of the busyness just do a quick check-in. Hey, what’s a high and a low from today? Whoop and a poop if you tuned in last week What’s something funny that happened this week a fist to five on just how your day or you haven’t talked to him Until the end of the summer how the summer was going Just take advantage of any small moment that you can

Karlie (03:25)
Bye!

Right.

Well, and especially if you’re a parent, you are going to have those little moments more because you’re with them. So you are gonna be in the car with them. You are gonna maybe eat a meal with them or be sitting around watching TV and mute it during a commercial to be like, hey, catch me up on your day or what’s been going on. If you’re not a parent and you don’t have those little moments, come up with something that you just shoot off every now and then. Earlier this year,

Caleb Hatchett (03:47)
Yeah.

Karlie (04:09)
Teen Life was going through transition and life was crazy busy. And I had a Teen Life friend who would text me fist to five, are you doing today? And it was quick and it was short and I could respond with, you know, I’m at a four today. It’s actually going pretty good. Or today is a two. It has been tough. And we didn’t, she wasn’t taking too much of my time, but every time it showed, man, she cares enough that she’s going to continue.

Caleb Hatchett (04:17)
Hmm.

Yeah.

Mm. Yeah.

Karlie (04:35)
to check in and even something like that where you don’t have to give an explanation, but a student could just be like, how many thumbs up are we today? And like, how many booms I’m going to give today? Three booms. Like, I don’t know. Sawyer would be. Yeah, all in on that. Maybe it’s just that you send every now and then gifs back and forth. And if you haven’t heard from a while, send them a funny gif of like, hello, you there? Like make it funny and not.

Caleb Hatchett (04:44)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah

Karlie (05:04)
feels so heavy or like it’s one more thing that they have to keep up with. But at the same time, if they are this busy, it’s stressful. And so I think sometimes we think, they’re busy. They don’t want to hear from me, but sometimes they need more support and they need more help than ever before because that is incredible. Like the sports, the family, the not having their normal routine, they are probably feeling overwhelmed.

Caleb Hatchett (05:08)
Yes. Yeah.

Yeah, yes.

Karlie (05:31)
They might be feeling isolated if they can’t be around their normal friends. And so those small check-ins mean so, much. And so I kind of, we already mentioned this, but use technology to your advantage. Even as a parent, yes, but even if you are a parent of just like, hey, they left super early for practice and I’m not seeing them till tonight. Hey, thinking about you right now, hope practice is great. You don’t have to ask anything.

Caleb Hatchett (05:38)
Yeah.

Hmm, especially if you’re not the parent. Yeah. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Karlie (05:57)
Hey, heard this song today. Have you heard this one? I liked it. Hey, have you seen this show yet? Or, hey, let’s put this on the calendar to go see this movie when it comes out. Something like that, that can be short voice memos. Voice memos honestly kind of stress me out because I don’t like that they disappear because then I forget about them. I don’t know. That’s just, I know you can, but sometimes I forget and then I’ve forgotten. I was like, I don’t

Caleb Hatchett (06:00)
Yeah.

⁓ okay. huh. You can hit keep on them and they stay.

Karlie (06:24)
what they said. It’s been a long time.

Caleb Hatchett (06:26)
I guess that is

how to have a conversation. If the last thing they said disappears forever. Yeah.

Karlie (06:30)
Exactly. But

you can’t keep it. But maybe you shoot off a quick voice memo of, I know you’re busy, but this just happened and I wanted to tell you about it. And you tell them a story where they don’t have to be available right that second or shoot them a video. I was going to say, I know kids FaceTime all the time, which is once again, wild to me because if someone just out of the blue FaceTimes me, something is wrong. Like someone is in trouble, but they do it all the time. So maybe do it back.

Caleb Hatchett (06:37)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

So the quick FaceTime. Yeah. yeah. I think yeah. Using technology, especially in the midst of busyness, you know, can be, Hey, just checking in, making sure that they know you’re there and doesn’t have much expectation. You know, you know, don’t be like, you know, overbearing of, you didn’t text back. Like you sure you’re okay. They might just be busy.

Karlie (07:12)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (07:19)
You know, but you know, they’re not texting back. Just continue to say, Hey, here’s this weird gift song I found, you know, try to keep it low expectation response from them. What.

Karlie (07:29)
I had

a college roommate, my freshman roommate, and I’m not saying you need to do this, but it just made me think of this and it was so funny that one day, I think I was in class and she sent me a text and I didn’t immediately respond. She, no joke, sent me probably 50 individual words. Hey, are you there? Hello, can you help me? What are you doing? Why aren’t you answering me? Like, I mean, a million. And so I’m not saying do that.

Caleb Hatchett (07:53)
Yeah

Ha

Karlie (07:56)
But

if they don’t respond to you, just be like, checking in again, see above. Don’t make them feel bad, but you can poke fun about that. Man, you must be crazy busy if you’re not answering. Just keep going. Just keep going and see how, hey, yeah, gonna see how many texts it takes for you to reply to me. I don’t know. It could be five, we’re at 10. Or just like check and count 10 unreplied messages. Here we go.

Caleb Hatchett (08:00)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, lean into this kid. Yeah.

You

zero day, 10 days since last message replied. Yeah. Yeah.

Karlie (08:22)
Yeah. Yeah. Like please mark yourself as safe. At least send

an emoji. Let me know you’re okay. So leaning into that, I will say also meeting them where they are. When you’re hearing us say that, don’t, especially if they’re busy or crazy, try not to expect more of them. But maybe for this season, they aren’t showing up to Wednesday night for you, Caleb, because they’re busy.

Caleb Hatchett (08:32)
Yeah.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

Karlie (08:46)
you know what, I’m gonna look next week and I’m gonna go to one of their games and I’m gonna show up for them. Or I’m gonna go to their one-act play because I know that this is important to them and they’ve put so much effort into it that I’m going to honor that and make sure that they know that I’m there. If you’re a parent and they have a crazy amount of homework, maybe it’s going and sitting next to them and doing work on your computer while they’re doing homework. So at least presence-wise,

Caleb Hatchett (08:58)
Yes.

Yeah, your presence. Yeah.

Karlie (09:13)
you’re there. doesn’t always have to mean a super deep connection, a super deep conversation or ask him questions. It could just be like, Hey, I’m here.

Caleb Hatchett (09:20)
Yeah. And you know, I think I’ve always been surprised by how much it really does mean to a student that, you, you showed up like to, to this game, to this thing that, you know, sometimes, sometimes most of the time they will be like, Hey, you coming, you coming? And like, they won’t let you forget, but especially for the ones who just kind of like, yeah, you know, I have a game this week.

Karlie (09:27)
Mm-hmm.

Hahaha!

Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (09:45)
And you know, like if you were able to pick up on that and be like, you know what? They didn’t necessarily explicitly ask. It means so, so much. And yes, even to the ones who annoy you and begging you to come to the game or come to the play, whatever it means more than I think you can know because it’s, you know, they probably know you’re busy. and even if they don’t, it’s like, man, makes them feel good about themselves. so meet them where they’re at.

Karlie (10:00)
Mm-hmm.

And I’ll say if you’re

a teacher too, you probably, can’t go to all the things. There’s no way, especially if you’re a high school teacher and you’ve got, I don’t know, 100, probably more students that are in your classes. Pick two students that this semester I’m gonna show up for one thing that they do. Or try to pick, hey, I have this, I’ve got five basketball players in my class. I can knock out five by going to one game.

Caleb Hatchett (10:28)
Yeah.

Yes.

Karlie (10:37)
or I’ve got

lots of kids that are in band and on the football team, so I’m going to show up to a game. Or if you have a student that you know is very stressed, asking them, hey, what are you involved in right now that is also taking up a lot of your time? Okay, I can tell that means a lot to you because of how much time it’s taking, so that’s what I’m going to show up to this time. And so thinking through things like that instead of just being like, well, this is ridiculous that…

Caleb Hatchett (10:52)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Karlie (11:02)
you’re having such a hard time in my class because of that, but being like, man, this is important enough to them that they’re trying to squeeze it in. And so I’m, I want to see what this is about and go support them.

Caleb Hatchett (11:05)
Yeah.

And I think too, like it’s, you don’t have to be a super fan. Like, you know, don’t have to show up to every single game with a big fat head. Like it’s like, if you want to do that, that’s great. But yeah, choose one, especially if it’s a long season with a lot of games, like choose one or two, one a week, one every three weeks. ⁓

Karlie (11:18)
Right.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (11:33)
You know, you can also just keep a running calendar. If you’re a student minister, enable your volunteers to just also choose just one. And then with enough people, you’ll cover, you know, hopefully the whole youth group. And, you know, some things are, you know, more important than others. One regular season game versus, you know, a playoff game or a one act play that only happens once a year. You know, it’s okay to prioritize some of those, you know, if you know.

Karlie (11:54)
Mm.

Caleb Hatchett (12:02)
Your students or student is in a play and you can mark that off months in advance to make sure that you’re there because it only happens once You know some things will take priority, but don’t don’t feel the need to show up to everything but continue to meet them where they’re at and even in the midst of the busyness I think this can also look like You know meeting them where they’re at and their schedule and in their wants and interests of if they are busy

Karlie (12:12)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Caleb Hatchett (12:28)
you know, see if they, the student can carve out one afternoon for coffee, you know, if they like coffee or if they like whatever, but just in the midst of the busyness, see, you know, meet them where they’re at in their interests and in their schedule to see if you can have time to check in person to person.

Karlie (12:45)
When I think in that of what you’re saying, like if you can be consistent where and when, especially if nothing else is, our dad is really good at this. Was really good at it when we were in high school and I’m the only one still living here. So I get the benefit of still getting weekly lunches with my dad of every Thursday I just know unless every now and then something comes up and we’re understanding of that and we can move it around, but

Caleb Hatchett (12:49)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Karlie (13:10)
Thursdays, I eat lunch with my dad. And when I was in high school, I think it was Tuesdays. I think you did breakfast.

Caleb Hatchett (13:15)
It was.

We, we that, yeah, we would go breakfast every game day. you know, every Friday we would go get Chick-fil-A and then even like when I was in high school and you know, there was a time where we overlapped, you were back from college. was still in high school every Tuesday. Me, you and dad would go grab lunch. And so, and yeah, he was, he and mom were at every game at every thing that we did. And it was, you know, looking back.

Karlie (13:34)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (13:45)
I don’t think I recognized it, how important and maybe rare that was as a teenager, but it still meant a lot that they were at everything. think whether I knew it or not, it communicates this person cares. ⁓ and for a student who especially might not have that from their home life or from their parents or other adults in their life, if you can be consistent,

Karlie (13:50)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (14:10)
Again, maybe not every game, be consistent enough to show interest and to show up. It means so, so much.

Karlie (14:17)
Right, and so if you’re not a parent, that could look like sending a good luck text before big events of, I know you’ve got this going on today, good luck. Or let me know how it goes after, or even taking the time anymore, especially with sporting events, the school on social media somewhere will post the outcome of that game. So if you can’t go to the game, even without asking, hey, how’d it go? Hey, I saw y’all won a big one tonight, congrats.

Caleb Hatchett (14:21)
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I love that.

Karlie (14:44)
showing

that you took the step to go looking for how they did. And you might not know how they did individually, or sometimes you did. Maybe if they’re the star of the football team, hey, I saw you got three touchdowns tonight. That’s incredible. Showing them that you care in that way. It could also be once a week or once a month at the beginning of every month, hey, what’s coming up for you this month? How can I be praying for you? What are some things that are stressful? Is there anything I can…

Caleb Hatchett (14:48)
Yeah.

Right.

Karlie (15:12)
help you with this month where you just know I’m going to do this every Sunday or every the first week of every month I’m going to kind of see how they’re doing and they know it’s coming and it’s just a consistent this what we do.

Caleb Hatchett (15:18)
Yeah

And

like we said off the top, they, teens might not necessarily communicate that they like structure. They function well under it. And like, I’ve been surprised. I get lunch with the student every month. And if sometimes I’ll forget, he’ll remind me because it’s part of the routine. It’s part of the consistency and predictability of us getting lunch and you know, like make it fun. And I think it even goes back to me the more they’re at every month, me and the student try to go somewhere new to eat.

Karlie (15:31)
Mm-hmm.

Hmm. Right.

Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (15:54)
And we, you know, we try some things and, know, it’s, fun. It’s consistent, but I think you’ll be surprised too. Once you establish this consistency and predictability, how much they depend on it and want it as well.

Karlie (16:06)
That’s good. So to kind of wrap up this episode, we do kind of want to give some advice if they seem distant or you don’t feel as connected. So you’re trying these things and you’re just going, man, we just are in a season where I cannot connect with this student. I’m not feeling as connected to my kid. First of all, don’t take it personally. I think automatically teens are going to go through phases where they…

Caleb Hatchett (16:14)
Yeah.

Karlie (16:28)
have a lot of time or where they don’t, it’s often not about you. It’s about what they feel like they can handle in that moment. So don’t take it personally and get your feelings wrapped up or even like given to maybe some of the drama that their friends do, which is, are you mad at me? Hey, what’s going on? Like you don’t have to do that and just maybe remind yourself, hey, they must have a lot going on right now and I’m going to give them extra grace in a time where maybe they’re not getting that.

Caleb Hatchett (16:45)
Yeah, right.

Yeah. Yeah.

Karlie (16:57)
I also think it’s so important to show up anyways. If they don’t always respond, you can still offer again. If you are consistently reaching out, if you’re consistently showing up at their games or like we’ve said, if you have a student that’s not responding to a lot, show up at their next game and that way they see you in person. And once again, I think sometimes that triggers in their brain, hey, you care enough that even in the hard times, even when I’m not giving you anything back that you’re showing up for me.

Caleb Hatchett (16:59)
Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Yeah. And I, know, in those moments you’re showing up, yeah, you sometimes just you showing up will be all the communication that needs to happen. doesn’t need to be adding on a layer of guilt of, man, wanted to make sure you were alive. know, like it’s just, Hey, you did great, man. I’ve missed seeing you talking to you. It was glad to get to see you, you know, just can communicate so, so differently than, throwing on the guilt on them.

Karlie (17:35)
Mm-hmm.

Right.

Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (17:54)
when they’re already in the middle of a busy season. But yeah, keep showing up and let them take the lead instead of asking questions, try statements like, hey man, I’m here if you ever need to talk. And again, I think you’ll be surprised if you establish that consistency and relationship, how much they rely on you. No pressure, just wanted to check in how you’re doing.

Karlie (18:12)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (18:19)
balancing this need of a lot of times students have a lot going on and they’re not organized enough to be like, it needs to text Caleb today, right? Like check in. Yes, but still let them take the lead on, on what to do on how they’re doing everything like that.

Karlie (18:36)
Right. All good stuff. We just really want to encourage you as we head into a busy season, a different season, a disrupted season, that you will find ways to connect with teens, that you will find ways to let them know that they’re seen and they’re loved. And even if they aren’t responsive or even if they aren’t able to juggle all the things,

maybe in a way that they would even like to that you’re gonna continue to show up and care for them. And that is what really matters. So as always, this has been a great season of the Teen Life Podcast. We’re loving answering questions and talking through topics that are hopefully gonna help you connect to the teens in your life. So if you have questions that you want us to cover, make sure that you reach out on social media or email podcast at teenlife.ngo.

Caleb Hatchett (19:02)
Yeah. Yeah.

Karlie (19:26)
You can always subscribe on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts so you don’t miss future episodes. And we’ll see you later.

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Caleb Hatchett
Caleb Hatchett

Podcast Host

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What Do Boundaries with Teens Actually Look Like?

We talk a lot about boundaries on this podcast, and for good reason—they’re one of the most important tools you have as a caring adult. But let’s be honest: it’s one thing to say “set boundaries,” and another to know what that looks like in real life. We’re getting super practical.

What kinds of boundaries actually help teens thrive? Why do they matter? And how can you set them without sounding like the “fun police”? Let’s dive in.

Key Question

You’ve been mentioning boundaries on the podcast… but can you give some examples of what that looks like?

What We Cover

00:00. Understanding Boundaries
02:57  Setting Norms in Groups
05:55  The Importance of Respect
08:57  Creating Safe Spaces for Sharing
11:48  Navigating Technology Boundaries
15:57  Healthy Relationships and Boundaries
20:57  Establishing Clear Expectations
27:09  Empowering Teens to Set Boundaries

Boundaries Are Love, Not Control

Let’s start here: boundaries aren’t about control—they’re about love and clarity. Teens may not always say it out loud, but they crave structure. Boundaries give them a sense of safety and direction, like guardrails on a winding road.

In Teen Life Groups, we actually call them norms—agreements we set together to create a safe and respectful environment.

And here’s a golden rule: it’s easier to start with clear boundaries and relax later than to tighten the reins after things go sideways. (Listen to the podcast for Karlie’s story about that!)

Perspective Shift

Boundaries aren’t about control—they’re about love and clarity.

Boundaries at School

Why it matters: Teens need consistency and clear expectations to feel safe and succeed.

Example 1: Setting expectations for respect

“We don’t have to agree on everything, but we do have to listen and respond with respect.”

  • No interrupting
  • Use “I” statements
  • No mocking or laughing at others

Example 2: Creating a safe space for sharing

“You can pass if you’re not ready to talk.”

  • Offer multiple ways to participate
  • Emphasize confidentiality—”what’s shared here stays here,” unless it’s a safety issue

Boundaries with Technology

Why it matters: Teens need help navigating screen time, social media, and digital distractions.
Example 1: Establishing phone-free zones

  • “No phones at the dinner table or after 10 PM.”
  • All devices charge in a common space at night
  • And yes—model it as an adult!

Example 2: Talking through new apps/social platforms

“Before you download a new app, let’s talk about it.”

This keeps the door open for conversations instead of sneaky workarounds.

Boundaries in Relationships

Why it matters: Teens are learning how to set limits and advocate for themselves in friendships and dating.

Example 1: Giving permission to take space

“You don’t have to reply to every text right away.”

If someone guilts them for needing space, that’s a red flag.

Example 2: Naming toxic behavior

“If a friend keeps pushing your boundaries, it’s okay to step back.”

Let them know they’re not being rude—they’re protecting their peace.

TL;DR: Takeaways

Be Clear & Consistent

“Curfew is 10 PM. If you’re late, we’ll talk consequences.”
Say what you mean. No drama. No guessing games.

Invite Their Input

“What do you think is a fair limit for phone use during the week?”
Teens are more likely to respect rules they helped create.

Stay Warm & Open

“I love you. I’m here. And this boundary still matters.”
Even when enforcing rules, connection comes first.

Some Last Thoughts

Boundaries are more than rules—they’re relationship tools. When set with clarity, compassion, and consistency, they help teens feel safe, respected, and supported. And remember: your goal isn’t perfection. It’s progress. You’re building trust, not just enforcing limits. You’ve got this.
Don’t forget to subscribe! Find us on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts. Have a question or a topic you’d love to hear about? Reach out on social media or email us at podcast@teenlife.ngo.
Read Episode Transcript

Caleb Hatchett (00:00)
You’ve been mentioning boundaries on the podcast, but can you give some examples of what that looks like? Hi, welcome back this week. Again, you are stuck with me, Caleb, and Karlie, no Tobin. We do miss you Tobin. but yeah, we’ve been talking about boundaries a lot.

A couple of weeks ago, we talked about talking about sex and relationships with your teen, in which we talked about boundaries a bit, but we wanted to also, you know, give you guys a little bit more about what boundaries are, because I think they also extend beyond just relationships. So boundaries, to kind of define them, they aren’t about control, they’re about love and clarity, because…

teens don’t always show it, but they do like structure and they function better with structure. one of the ways that I like to view boundaries are kind of as guardrails, right? Like, you know, even if you think about on a highway or things like that, they, they keep you on path and make sure you don’t go, off-roading off of where you’re supposed to go. And we’ll kind of talk about this later, but you have to know where you want to go.

Karlie (00:53)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (01:13)
before you can know what is going to take you off track. And so for me, one of the things about defining a boundary, whether it’s in school, in relationships, emotionally, technologically, whatever, you have to decide, where’s my goal? Like, what do I want from this? And then define, how do I get there? And what are the things that are gonna keep me off track?

And so those boundaries are making sure that you stay focused on the goal.

Karlie (01:42)
Well, and if you’re using the example of a guardrail, you don’t want to hit a guardrail, but if you hit a guardrail, you’re not falling to your death. But the guardrail, where you really don’t want to be is in that canyon or over the side of the mountain. And so you set your guardrail just in enough to protect you from going that far. And so it’s not necessarily, you don’t put your guardrail in the canyon and be like, well, if you get there, it’s already too late. Bummer.

Caleb Hatchett (01:47)
Right.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, the car is torn to pieces, but at least I didn’t go further down the canyon. Yeah.

Karlie (02:11)
It’s so when you’re…

Right. So if you’re thinking in terms of a classroom, if you don’t want just utter chaos, then you need to set boundaries in enough to keep some peace as an example. so that’s a good point, Caleb. I really like that imagery of a guardrail and it’s to keep you safe and make sure everyone’s on the same page. In teen life groups, we call them norms because sometimes

Caleb Hatchett (02:32)
Yeah.

Karlie (02:39)
I don’t know that that term honestly is that much better, but sometimes when teens hear boundaries of or rules, hey, we’re gonna set some group rules. They’re like, what rules? I don’t, yeah. Of just, yes, this is what, it’s just what everyone is agreeing on of this is what is gonna be our normal. And then you can move forward from there.

Caleb Hatchett (02:44)
Yeah.

Norms is fun to say too so more fun than boundaries let’s talk about our norms yeah

Yeah. I think too, one of the most important things, especially again, like, like Karlie said, like you’re setting the boundaries here. make sure you’re setting them at the beginning of the group or at the beginning of a school year at the beginning of, you know, introducing technology at the beginning. Make sure everyone’s on the same page. Cause it’s easier to set boundaries first. Right. Cause again, if we’re going guard rail, we want to make sure we don’t fall off the bridge.

Karlie (03:19)
Mm.

Hahaha!

Caleb Hatchett (03:29)
And then if we realize, know

what, maybe we have a little more space. We can move them a little bit further, right? It’s, easier to set boundaries and loosen up on them later than to crack down after unstated boundaries or norms have been set. I remember starting out as a student minister right out of college and I’m leading a middle school, small group, middle school boys. And, know, I might, I’m 20.

Karlie (03:51)
Okay. Okay.

Caleb Hatchett (03:56)
23 at the time, but you know, I, I have the maturity level of a middle school boy. So yeah, you know, I’m sitting there, you know, I can talk skibbity riz, Ohio with them all day, whatever. And I remember there is specifically like one small group where, you know, I hadn’t really established boundaries. And if you don’t establish a norm, norms will be set. Right. Regardless.

Karlie (04:18)
Hmm. Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (04:20)
Like they will be set norms will be established because this is going to be what is normal in this group. And so if you don’t establish them, they’re going to get set where you do not want them. And so I remember we do our highs and lows, whoops and poops, whatever you call them. That’s a good one. I could go on for days. Rose and a thorn. Happy crappy. There’s a lot. Okay. There’s good. I can, I can keep going. Okay. Whoops and poops is my favorite because they go, here’s my whoop.

Karlie (04:37)
my word.

Caleb Hatchett (04:48)
for the week, you know, had a really good lunch and here’s my poop. And then people get to chuckle, which is you’re talking about your poo. Um, so any group leaders out there, you’re like, you can thank me later for the whoop and the poop. anyways, we, we do that. And then we’re trying to train. I’m trying to transition into my small group questions about the lesson that I, I assume did such a good job at. And.

Karlie (05:01)
Okay. Okay.

Caleb Hatchett (05:14)
I asked him the first question and they are just off the rails. Just could not care any less about what I have to say. They’re talking to each other. I remember I say guys, seriously, we need to focus. They’re like, he’s serious. okay. I’m serious. And I was like, my word. Cause I had established this norm in this relationship with them that I’m just a bud.

Karlie (05:34)
you

Caleb Hatchett (05:38)
And this norm that there’s no respect that there doesn’t need to be respect between them and me, between them and each other. And like, I remit this set me off. And I set, yeah, I set the small group guide down. I said, we’re done. Y’all can do whatever. And I had to go to the bathroom because I could feel my temper rising. I went to the bathroom. I took a few deep breaths.

Karlie (05:47)
You were triggered.

Caleb Hatchett (06:00)
And I go back out there and they’re all just sitting there and they’re like, what in the world? They don’t know what to do. Like, can we really go play foosball now? And I go and I was like, it’s the first time I’ve ever gained access to, I call it like my dad voice. I raised my voice very stern. Say, listen, like, I don’t want this to just be school. I don’t want you to feel like you have to be there. I can’t make you be here.

and at Jenks Church in the youth group, like you chose to be here, but I want this to be a space where we respect each other and you respect me and at least give each other that. And I just kind of remember, you know, they were shocked. I think one kid who was kind of the ringleader of the chaos, like his face turned red. I think he started to cry a little, felt a little good. but you know, it’s harder to crack down on things once if you haven’t established the boundaries.

Karlie (06:36)
Mm-hmm.

No.

Right.

Caleb Hatchett (06:53)
first. And, you know, if we’re talking boundaries at school, boundaries in, you know, a group, small group setting, learn from my mistakes and set expectations and boundaries for respect. You don’t have to agree on everything, but we will listen and respond with respect to me, to each other.

Karlie (07:00)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Right? This is a big one in our teen life groups. And often what I say is, you don’t have to be here. I don’t have to be here. So let’s respect each other and let’s respect our time. I’m gonna respect your time. I’m asking that you respect my time while we’re here. And so even giving that back makes a difference. If you’re not just saying you need it, and you said that, Caleb but you’re not just saying, you will respect me because I’m an adult.

Caleb Hatchett (07:25)
Mm-hmm.

Mm.

Yeah.

Karlie (07:39)
but be like, I’m

also gonna respect you. I’m not gonna make you do something you don’t wanna do. I’m not going to bore you using things that are, we’re going to do this together and I’m gonna give you that same back, not interrupting when someone is speaking plays into that. So if you’re wanting to like drill down of like what goes into respect, not interrupting when someone’s speaking, using I statements instead of blaming.

Caleb Hatchett (07:43)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Karlie (08:04)
I feel instead of you always do this, like if you’re talking in a group, not laughing or mocking other people’s thoughts or experiences. Oftentimes you’re not even, but this is something that happens a lot in groups. Side talk, where two people are talking to each other and they start laughing while someone else is sharing and they are probably not laughing about what that student is sharing. But if they are sharing something serious and there’s laughter, they’re immediately thinking they’re laughing at me.

Caleb Hatchett (08:06)
Hmm.

Yes.

Karlie (08:31)
And I’ve had to stop down a group before to say, Hey, you’re not paying attention. this is probably asking that student, Hey, how did you feel when they were laughing? And having that, like just pointing that out and those students, was girls and they were like, that’s not what we were talking about. And I was like, I get that. But that’s not also respectful that you’re laughing and having your own conversation while she’s trying to share something that’s important to her. And so, but if you say that upfront, then you can also come back to.

Caleb Hatchett (08:40)
Mmm.

Yeah.

Karlie (09:01)
We talked about this, remember? No side talking. That’s something we agreed on as a group and you can point it out and then you can just move on. You’re not having to like stop down and make this a big deal. Another example that I gave, and this kind of also goes into like making sure everyone feels safe to share, especially in a group or in a school setting. One time I had a student that I asked a question.

Caleb Hatchett (09:20)
Mm.

Karlie (09:25)
I honestly don’t remember what the question was. Maybe it was about relationships and the student goes, well, I know that he doesn’t have relationship with his dad and pointed out something about another student. And so I quickly was like, okay, hang on. you can only share about yourself. We’re not sharing someone else’s story. That is not your job. That is not your role to make sure everyone feels safe that they don’t have someone else who’s gonna be like, well, she just broke up with her boyfriend and here’s why.

Caleb Hatchett (09:42)
Hmm.

Yeah.

Karlie (09:51)
We’re not getting into that. And so if they don’t feel comfortable speaking, don’t make them speak. That’s a big thing. I know, but like, I say, I say that, I straight up say, I am not going to make you talk if you don’t want to talk. If you tell me, I don’t want to talk about that, I will move on. And that’s an easy boundary to make sure everyone feels safe. But…

Caleb Hatchett (09:59)
The worst. Yeah, it needs.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Karlie (10:17)
Participation too. I often say, but you will participate. You’re going to fill out the sheet. You’re going to write something down. And then there are certain things where if we do an icebreaker of, just tell me something good that happened this week. You can participate in that. You can come up with. I had a good night’s sleep. I ate Taco Bell for lunch. was great. Yes.

Caleb Hatchett (10:19)
Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yes. You’re right. That, and that’s, has to be something good. Yeah. When we do the,

what do we do? There are times, yes, to pick and choose, but I get, know, from the one side, you’re like, want everyone to participate and get the most out of this. But I promise you, you making a student who doesn’t want to talk is maybe for them going to be getting the least out of it. Like if they don’t want to talk and people are different.

Karlie (10:54)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (10:57)
And so forcing someone to talk, who might just be sitting back and still being active, but not necessarily showing it in the way that you want to is perfectly fine. and it sets the expectation, right? That, Hey, I’m not going to push you where you don’t want to be pushed, but I am going to also set the expectation of wanting you to be part of the group and knowing that you’re still part of the group, even if you’re maybe not actively participating in.

Karlie (11:12)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (11:23)
discussion that you don’t be a part of. Like it’s, it will be okay. And I like what you said too, about still finding ways to involve them in the small things that, you know, and set the expectations that you should participate in talking about your Taco Bell, cheesy Gordita crunch. Okay. We can find ways. Yeah. And I think even part of that is making sure if it’s in a group setting, that they’re part of the circle. you know, that’s, that’s a norm that I’ve noticed is, is

Karlie (11:36)
Mm-hmm.

Wonderful.

And then I think.

Mm, yeah.

Caleb Hatchett (11:53)
good and you know if someone comes in late if someone doesn’t is automatically placing themselves outside of the group even just making sure hey here we all sit in the circle and even the small thing of making sure it is a circle to make sure everyone feels apart making sure everyone can see each other in a conversation is being made is just another good norm

Karlie (12:03)
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And then I think a final one for school group, church groups that is key is what shared in this group stays in this group. I always, always, so this is another boundary and maybe practical piece in my teen life groups, I always follow that up with, unless you’re talking about hurting yourself or hurting someone else or someone hurting you. And then I do have to share that. So I let them know upfront.

Caleb Hatchett (12:20)
Mm-hmm.

Karlie (12:44)
We talked about that last episode a little bit. Like if someone is in danger or their safety is at risk, I will share that. But what’s said in this group stays in this group, which means I’m not gonna go call your parent, but also you’re not gonna go outside of here and gossip and tell people what we talked about. Everyone needs to feel safe in this classroom. And that’s not a like we’re hiding something, but just if you’re…

Caleb Hatchett (12:46)
Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah.

Karlie (13:11)
talking about sensitive topics. If someone is talking about, I’m really struggling in this class and I need help, we don’t need to go share that outside of this classroom. That can stay here and we can get that student the help that they need without going and being like, you’ll never guess what grade so-and-so got. And he just got reamed by the teacher. Like that’s not, we don’t need to go sharing that stuff. It’s great. It can stay here.

Caleb Hatchett (13:19)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah.

And I think too, like even going back to what we said initially about boundaries and we’re going to just, you know, we’ve talked about school church, kind of a group setting, and we’re going to talk, give you more examples. But again, if if you look back at it through this lens of what’s the goal, right? Asking yourself when we’re setting a boundary, like, what do we want to be true about this classroom, about this group, right? We want it to be a safe space where everyone respects and trusts each other.

Karlie (13:50)
Mm.

Hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (14:02)
And we can, you know, discuss freely and get somewhere. Right. And then you’ll notice we’re setting expectations for respect, clear expectations. So everyone feels safe, making sure no one is talking when others are talking. all helps you achieve that goal. And, know, as, we’re talking boundaries, you know, we’re asking ourselves, what are the regrets or things we want to avoid?

Karlie (14:06)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (14:26)
And what are the boundaries that align with those goals? And so as we continue to talk about all these other different boundaries, again, that’s the lens that we’re kind of looking at it through. And it cannot apply to so much more than just what we’re talking about. So another way that I think we see boundaries played out, especially with parents, teens, adults and teens, is technology.

Karlie (14:39)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (14:49)
setting boundaries on technology and, what do we, what do we want? We’ve done a lot of episodes on technology. And I think one of the things that we ask ourselves is how do we get technology to work for us? You know, versus the other way around. cause teens often push for more tech freedom, but they need guidance to avoid burnout, harmful content, unhealthy habits. So what are some norms or boundaries that we can establish with technology?

Karlie (15:00)
Mm-hmm.

I think I admittedly have not finished this book. So I’m going to say this and know that I am still working on it. But The Anxious Generation came out last year and it was a big book that a lot of people are reading. It is dense. will warn you. Like it has studies, which is great. Lots of stats, but good stuff. Like everything I’ve read, I’m like, wow. But one thing that was brought up in that book that I was like, man, that is so true is

Caleb Hatchett (15:28)
Mm-hmm. lot of stats.

Karlie (15:40)
are this generation of parents went like, I’m not going to let my student or my child play in the street because that’s dangerous. They could get kidnapped. So I’m going to hand them this phone or this iPad or this TV that has Netflix and a million different shows and that’s safer. And we didn’t put boundaries on them. Like you handed this

Caleb Hatchett (15:52)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Karlie (16:07)
And I’m saying you in general, but that doesn’t mean that every parent did this, but we handed kids technology that we didn’t fully understand without giving them boundaries and guardrails to protect them like you would out in the real world. And you tighten down in one area and then went free rain. Here you go. YouTube, just have fun and it’s safer. And it’s way, way more dangerous. Like when I’m looking at some of the things that my kids could accidentally stumble on, on a

Caleb Hatchett (16:09)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Karlie (16:36)
on our Apple TV with me in the room, I’m like, go play in the street. That might be safer. I don’t know. And so when we’re talking about technology, making sure, like Caleb was saying, the goal is for them to use it for them. The goal is not to form a new addiction. It’s not to have access to stuff that they shouldn’t have access to. It is for connection.

I feel like we’ve talked about this before, but especially with technology, some families choose to do a technology contract. Schools, a lot of time this choice is taken away from you because the school has policies of maybe it’s a phone holder in your classroom or maybe they turn them in or maybe they can’t bring them to school at all. So you might not have as much say in this, but there are ways that we can.

Caleb Hatchett (17:03)
Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Karlie (17:22)
do technology well that also works for the team. Because if you just say, sorry, zero technology ever, that’s probably also not realistic. And so talking about

Caleb Hatchett (17:27)
You’re

Mm-hmm.

And helping them,

you know, even that contract helps them understand and come like, you know, it’s an agreed decision between the both of you. But I think even with some good ideas, and again, you have to decide for yourself, what is the goal that you’re setting and then build the boundaries around them. And so, you know, as we’re talking, we’re just giving ideas, but creating phone free zones, you know, even applies back to the last one and small groups and schools, things like that of, you know, are these working for us or against us? You know, no phones at the dinner table.

Karlie (17:39)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (18:03)
No phones whenever you’re going to sleep. Where would you benefit from most of not having your phone and establishing that can be good. Setting boundaries around new apps, social media, making sure that you’re not spending too much time on one thing and are prioritizing other things beyond that. And one of the difficulties with this is especially modeling it in your life as well.

Karlie (18:10)
Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Right. As a parent, if you say, hey, we’re going to have phone free zones, we’re not going to have our phone at the table, but you have your phone and you’re texting at the table or someone calls you and you step away to take a phone call. Like you have to model that too. As a teacher, if you say, hey, in my classroom, we’re not going to do phones. Now there are maybe times where something big is happening at home and I have to have my phone out today. Tell them that they’re old enough to take that. But.

Caleb Hatchett (18:50)
Yeah.

Mm.

Karlie (18:55)
knowing that this also applies to me. If you’re worried, I think about this a lot and so this is something I’m admitting on the podcast I need to work on. It scares me to think about my kids one day driving with a phone, thinking them looking at their phone, texting, scrolling, but I have to model that first. So if in my mind,

Caleb Hatchett (19:09)
Yeah.

Karlie (19:19)
I’m a better driver. I’ll only look at it when I’m stopped at stoplights or when I’m going slow or if I’m, just trying to find the song real quick on Spotify. But your student, your teen is watching you going, well, I can have my fun out while I’m drive because mom does or dad does. And so modeling that is almost the hardest part because you have to be intentional about what you’re doing too, but that matters a lot. And then when it comes to relationships,

Caleb Hatchett (19:28)
Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Yes.

Karlie (19:45)
We talked about when we did the talking about sex and relationships episode that we want teens to have healthy relationships. That’s the goal. And without guidance, so not just in romantic relationships, but we don’t want them to have toxic friendships. We don’t want them to feel pressured to say yes because they feel pressure from their friends. And so setting boundaries that that is the goal that we want you to have healthy relationships. We want you to be able to stand up for yourself.

Caleb Hatchett (19:49)
Mm-hmm.

Yep. Yes.

Karlie (20:13)
And so maybe one is teaching them that they don’t have to immediately respond to text or be available all the time.

Caleb Hatchett (20:19)
Mm-hmm.

Yes. I think like, yeah, I’ve just got this expectation of I’m always needed because especially if we’re talking of a relationship, even friendships can get this way of feeling, you know, this, thing of codependency or of this person needs me. always need to have

Karlie (20:22)
of

Right.

Caleb Hatchett (20:40)
and be readily available for this person and just getting them to evaluate like, it’s okay. Like it’s going to be okay to prioritize yourself first. and then also like, especially in relationships, it’s a little different than all of these other boundaries we’ve talked about, cause it involves more than just you.

Karlie (20:42)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (20:55)
Right? You’re having to set a boundary for yourself and another person or people. so, especially with boundaries and relationships, whether it’s friendships or romantic is making sure that they’re, you know, communicated and empowering your teenager and teenagers, like making sure that, like, you know,

Karlie (21:09)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (21:15)
where the line is, you know what you want out of this relationship and hey, that’s not okay for you to talk to me like that. That’s not okay for us to do that. And if you don’t know those and they haven’t been communicated, then you’re going to find yourself crossing those boundaries. and then also like, yeah, don’t, don’t lie to yourself.

Karlie (21:22)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (21:35)
as a teenager or as a person, like have your teenager walk through those things. Hey, out of this relationship, out of this friendship, what do you want? How can we get there? and then have them really process that and, know, make sure they’re like, Hey, don’t tell me what you think I want to hear. Like you have to come to these conclusions on your own or they’ll never happen.

Karlie (21:57)
Right, and I think you’re totally right of here’s what I want from this relationship and thinking about that beforehand and talking about it. We talk about this a lot or it seems, it doesn’t seem easy, but maybe more intuitive to do with romantic relationships, especially when you’re in middle school and high school of like, here’s the boundary, here’s the line, I don’t wanna cross physically, so I’m gonna talk about that. But it could also mean I’m a middle schooler,

Caleb Hatchett (22:04)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Karlie (22:21)
we’re not gonna hang out more than once a week. I don’t need to be hanging out with someone I like every day of the week or on phone calls for two hours every night. But it could also look like I have a friend that I really care about, but requires a lot of my time. And I’m going to set a boundary of after nine o’clock, I’m not answering that friend, I’ll get back to them the next day because I need a break. Or I have to set that boundary. Or if they ask me to hang out, I’ll hang out with them one-on-one.

Caleb Hatchett (22:23)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Karlie (22:50)
once a week or maybe I don’t hang out with that friend one-on-one ever because they pressure me to do stuff I know I shouldn’t do. So knowing here’s what I want from this relationship, here’s what I feel like I can handle and if it goes past that then we’re getting into dangerous territory and so that’s where I’m going to set the guardrail.

Caleb Hatchett (22:51)
Hmm.

And again, for teens, like if you establish those, that then becomes the expectation, right? From that friend. so once that’s happened, you’re more likely that that friend is less likely to push you, um, in a relationship as well, because it’s been set and it’s been expected man after nine. Like I know Caleb can’t be reached and tell your team, you know, Hey,

Karlie (23:13)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (23:33)
blame it on me. I take your phone. I’m the one, you know, even if it’s not necessarily true, right? Like it’s okay. And so, but once the expectation is set, you know, usually the other side, the other party, you know, begins to expect that.

Karlie (23:47)
Now when it comes to boundaries and when you’re trying to decide on boundaries and set them, especially from adult to teenager, say what you mean and do it and set that very clear and consistent. We’ve talked about setting it from the beginning. Curfew is a really easy example. If you have a student who’s starting to drive,

Caleb Hatchett (23:55)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Karlie (24:07)
setting a curfew from the beginning and setting clear expectations is easier than when they come home at 2 a.m. and you’re going, what in the world? And they’re like, well, you didn’t tell me I had to be home by a certain time. And in your mind, you’re like, well, 2 a.m. is way too late. But that is a different conversation than if you had set up for your curfew is 10 p.m. If you’re late, then we’ll talk about consequences. And then they know the expectation. And when they show up late, say, hey, we have this conversation, so we’ll talk about this tomorrow. Go to bed.

Caleb Hatchett (24:27)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Karlie (24:37)
And maybe that’s

taking the car away. Maybe it’s that they have to, I don’t know, maybe the curfew got bumped up. Now it’s nine o’clock until you can prove that you can be here by nine and then we can talk about it again. I will also say, think Caleb said this earlier, it’s easier to loosen up. for your younger teens, setting maybe stricter boundaries so that you can loosen those. And then when they’re a senior in high school, maybe the curfew is midnight or it’s one o’clock on weekends.

Caleb Hatchett (24:55)
Yeah.

Karlie (25:03)
if you start with super loose boundaries, there’s really nowhere to move it until they’re already in the cliff. And so having that thought too of as you’re parenting or as you’re a teacher, knowing at the beginning of the school year, here’s where I’m going to set my boundaries, knowing I’ve got a little bit of wiggle room if this goes well.

Caleb Hatchett (25:09)
Yeah.

And it gets them used to those boundaries and shows that they can be trusted when you do loosen them up. and then also like, the second thing is invite their input.

Karlie (25:30)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (25:35)
You know, let them speak into as, as maybe you are loosening up those boundaries of, Hey, what do you think? You know, you’ve been shown that you can be trusted. so, what’s a reasonable curfew if we’re running with that or elite reasonable phone limit. you might not necessarily have to go with exactly what they, what they want, but you know, you’re able to invite their input and going back also to being clear and consistent is also following up when a boundary

Karlie (25:42)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (26:04)
is broken or crossed, right? If you do get past, if you get home past 10, make sure you follow up with, hey, this isn’t okay, a conversation. If you said, hey, we’ll talk about consequences, make sure you follow up with a consequence to make sure that that boundary is to be respected. And then whenever they do, yeah, continue to invite their input and have it be collaborative.

Karlie (26:14)
Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Well, and would say too, the ultimate goal with boundaries is that your student, when they leave your home, will be able to do this on their own. You’re helping them, you’re modeling for them, and so even that inviting them into that input, you’re giving them practice and setting, here’s what I think is reasonable, and you can get feedback and y’all can have that conversation. But when they go off to college, when they start a job and they’re on their own, they need to know, hey, I’m gonna turn off work email.

Caleb Hatchett (26:45)
Mm-hmm.

Karlie (26:56)
at five o’clock when I leave. Otherwise, you have an adult who’s working super late into the night because they don’t have boundaries around that. Or you have an adult who has no money in their bank account because they don’t have boundaries around what I can and can’t spend. Or they don’t have any friends because they’re rude and interrupt people and aren’t respectful of them. So coming up with things so that they can know, hey, here’s what’s appropriate and I can set this myself moving forward. And

Caleb Hatchett (27:03)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Mm.

Karlie (27:24)
As always for the Teen Life podcast, make sure that you’re subscribing on YouTube. Wherever you listen to podcasts this season is almost over. And so you don’t want to miss the last few. We’re also looking at what comes in the future. So make sure that you’re subscribed. If you want to give us questions for next season, you can email us at podcast at teenlife.ngo. You can DM us on social media as well. And we’ll see you next time.

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Caleb Hatchett
Caleb Hatchett

Podcast Host

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When Teens Refuse Help | Ep. 176

When Teens Refuse Help | Ep. 176

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How can we encourage teens to seek help when they just don’t want to?

Sometimes the young people in our lives are clearly struggling, and it’s heartbreaking to watch them turn away from the support they need.

We’ve been there, too.

What do you do when a teen refuses help? We explore why they might be reluctant, and more importantly, how we can create the kind of connection and environment that makes seeking help feel safe and empowering.

Key Question

How can I encourage a teen to get help who doesn’t want help?

What We Cover

00:00  Understanding Teen Resistance to Help
03:04  Building Trust and Support
06:00  Normalizing Help-Seeking Behavior
09:01  Empowering Teens with Choices
12:06  Navigating Safety Concerns
14:54  Resources and Final Thoughts

Why Do Teens Refuse Help?

Teens may resist getting help for a variety of reasons, including:

Fear of Judgment

They worry about being seen as weak or “broken.”

Lack of Trust

Past experiences with adults minimizing their feelings make them hesitant.

Desire for Independence

Admitting they need help can feel like failure.

Unfamiliarity with Help

Therapy, counseling, or even just talking to someone might feel intimidating.

Perspective Shift

Instead of saying, “You need help,” try “You deserve support.”

Strategies to Encourage Help-Seeking

Build Trust Before Pushing Help

Rather than lecturing, focus on listening first.

Teens are more likely to open up when they feel heard and understood.

Instead of saying, “You should talk to someone,” try asking, “What would help you feel better?” This shifts the conversation to their perspective and gives them agency in finding a solution.

Validate their emotions by acknowledging their struggles: “That sounds really tough. I can see why you feel that way.” Simply feeling understood can be a powerful first step.

Normalize Help-Seeking

Help teens see that reaching out for support is normal and healthy.

Share personal stories about times when talking to someone helped you through a difficult time. For example, you might say, “I’ve been through hard times too, and talking to someone really helped.”

Comparing mental health care to physical health can also be effective: “If you broke your arm, you wouldn’t hesitate to see a doctor. Our minds deserve the same care.” These small shifts in perspective can help reduce stigma and make getting help feel more natural.

Give Them Choices

Teens often resist when they feel forced into something, so offering choices can help them feel in control.

You might ask, “Would you rather talk to a counselor at school or someone outside of school?” or “Do you want to read about coping strategies first, or would you prefer to talk to someone?

If they’re not comfortable talking to you, explore who they might trust—a coach, teacher, youth leader, or older sibling. Sometimes, connecting them with a mentor or peer support group can be a good stepping stone toward professional help.

Remove Barriers to Getting Help

Even when a teen is open to getting help, obstacles can make it feel overwhelming.

Assist them in finding a therapist who matches their needs, whether that’s in terms of age, gender, or personality fit. If they’re anxious about the process, offer to go with them to an appointment or sit nearby while they call a helpline.

Letting them know what to expect from counseling or therapy can also ease their concerns and make the experience feel less intimidating.

Keep the Door Open

If they say no today, that doesn’t mean no forever.

Reassure them with something like, “I’m here for you whenever you’re ready—no pressure.” Continue checking in regularly with simple, non-intrusive questions like, “How are you feeling this week?

By maintaining an open line of communication, you show them that they have a steady source of support whenever they’re ready to take the next step.

TL;DR: Practical Takeaways

When their safety is at risk…

If they’re self-harming, talking about suicide, or in an abusive situation, stepping in may be necessary:

  • Say: “I care about you too much to ignore this. Let’s figure this out together.”
  • Give them a deadline to tell a parent or trusted adult first. Offer to go with them if needed.
  • Know your resources: hotlines, school counselors, crisis support options.

Some Last Thoughts

Every teen deserves to be seen, heard, and supported—even when they push us away. By approaching with empathy, patience, and consistency, we can help them take brave steps toward healing and growth. Your role as a steady, caring adult matters more than you know. Keep showing up—you’re making a difference.

Don’t forget to subscribe! Find us on YouTube or wherever you listen to podcasts.
Have a question or a topic you’d love to hear about? Reach out on social media or email us at podcast@teenlife.ngo.

Links & Resources:

Read Episode Transcript

Karlie (00:00)
How can I encourage a teen to get help who doesn’t want help? So this is a big question. I feel like especially coming off the episodes with Brenda where we talked about connecting with teens and conflict and how to help de-escalate. Those are all great tools, but sometimes you use these tools and a teen will look at you and be like, yeah, no, I don’t want help or.
refusing or just being like, I’m fine. I feel like we also get that a lot. We’re not necessarily they know that they need help and are saying no, but where they pretend like everything is fine and they don’t need help. And so today we’re going to kind of talk through this, but first of all, Caleb, well, let’s address the missing elephant in the room. Of we’re missing Tobin. We do miss. I know we do miss you, Tobin.

Caleb Hatchett (00:27)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
be the same without him but we carry on we carry on for you the viewer

Karlie (00:47)
Tobin is home with his new baby girl and so we’re so excited that he gets to do that and he will be back with us before too long. for now you get me and Caleb for a few weeks.

Caleb Hatchett (00:52)
Yeah.
Sorry, you’re
stuck with us for the next few weeks. So buckle up. Listen, I know you’re probably like, maybe I’ll skip the three. Who knows what will be said, you know? So not saying Tobin necessarily grounds us, but like we might feel the need to fill the void. Who knows? Who knows? So, the, the, start off this episode though, you know, we have to ask the question, why would teens refuse help? And as being

Karlie (01:08)
So I was going to be listening going like, no.
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (01:23)
As being someone who growing up, think fell into this boat of refusing help. Yeah. I, you know, I think back to, know, trying to learn how to ride a bike or trying to learn how to ski, anything that like, it was very clear and it wasn’t even necessarily life situations. was like, Hey, Caleb, you literally don’t know how to ski. And my parents would try to tell me and I’d be like, I know, I know.

Karlie (01:29)
You’re a fuser of help.
That was a classic Caleb phrase.

Caleb Hatchett (01:52)
I literally didn’t know,
but that was a coined phrase by me was, know. And it was stemmed out of kind of this idea that, you know, I don’t want to be viewed as someone who needs help, or I don’t want to be viewed as someone who isn’t capable. And so I think for a lot of teens, it stems out of that. Making it.

Karlie (02:05)
Mm-hmm.
Right.

Caleb Hatchett (02:14)
having people look down on them, maybe their fear of judgment, worrying about being seen as weak or broken. Even for some other teens, it could just be a lack of trust. With their experience and their life experience, they haven’t been given any reason to trust adults. And so why should they trust you to help them? They’ve gone so long with only leaning on themselves.

Karlie (02:25)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (02:38)
And so then it also leads into this feeling like they, they can and should handle it alone because they crave independence. And again, don’t want to admit failure that I actually can’t do it alone.

Karlie (02:47)
Great.
Well, I think you
hit the nail on the head when you said like that feeling of I want to be viewed as capable. And I’m sure we’ve talked about it on the podcast. And if so, I will link the episode in the show notes, but independence is one of the main tasks of adolescence. So that’s what they’re gaining. That’s what they’re looking for. That’s where like a lot of respect and the pushing of boundaries comes in. And so

Caleb Hatchett (02:58)
Yeah.
Mmm.

Karlie (03:16)
If they feel like that independence is threatened because they’re having to get help, or especially if they feel like you’re forcing help on them, they’re going to kind of stiffen at that and be like, no, I can do this. I’m going to figure this out on my own, even if they think in their back, in the back of their head, like, this is probably going to go horribly, but I’m going to prove a point right now and I’m going to, yes. And then I also think sometimes teens don’t even know really what help looks like, especially if they don’t have parents who talk about this.

Caleb Hatchett (03:22)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
I’m do it to spite you. Yeah. Yeah.
Hmm.

Karlie (03:45)
If they’ve never been, I think the more and more I do teen life groups, realize very few teens are in small groups. If they’re not going to a church where they’re part of a group like that, where we open up and we share feelings and we accept feelings, then they’ve maybe never been in an environment where they’re sharing their story or sharing challenges and having someone speak into that. If they don’t have parents who are asking questions and checking on them,

Caleb Hatchett (04:05)
Mm-mm.

Karlie (04:12)
That’s just something that hasn’t been modeled to them. And so if they don’t know what it looks like, that is an unknown that they’re not willing to step into. And then you’re even taking it up a notch of if you’re trying to get them therapy or counseling or rehab, any of those, that’s even bigger. And then they’re like, no, I don’t even want to touch that.

Caleb Hatchett (04:20)
Yeah.
Yep.
That’s one of the things for me starting out as a student minister that like I had to learn a bit was like this idea of small groups of opening up of talking about your feeling sharing is a learned thing. Cause I mean, I grew up, you know, in the church.

Karlie (04:45)
Mm.

Caleb Hatchett (04:49)
Like in small groups, D groups, devotional groups, as they are called in middle school, high school, we’re like ingrained into everything that we did. And so it was kind of this learned behavior of, you know, we’re going to have group and we’re going to talk about a story and hopefully towards the end, be able to talk about some of your feelings. Sometimes I wasn’t good at it, but it was at least something that I knew was a, was a norm.
and to be expected of me. So whenever I started out as a student minister and the students that I kind of inherited hadn’t done small groups, it’s like it was, and it kind of still is like a learned experience and there’s growing pains. And it’s this idea of, I’m not used to letting people know the way I feel of being vulnerable. And yeah, they need to see it modeled. But what, what, what

Karlie (05:23)
Right.
Mm.
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (05:40)
needs to happen for us to start building that trust and start modeling that for students who really don’t want the help.

Karlie (05:49)
Right, well, and I think just if you’re thinking about a perspective shift for this, instead of you need help, which to me makes me think you think something’s wrong with me. You think I’m broken. You think I can’t do it. Even it’s shifting of like, you deserve support. Like you deserve support. You deserve every resource I can give you. And this is another resource that I can give you to help.

Caleb Hatchett (06:09)
Hmm.

Karlie (06:17)
might shift that language a little bit, even if you’re thinking, even if you don’t say that out loud, even if you’re thinking that in your head of not like, I’ve got to fix them, but like, hey, I’m going to support them. And that just looks a little different and feels a little different. But like you’re saying, Caleb, the first step is building trust because if you don’t have a relationship with them and they don’t trust you, if you are trying to get them help, they’re probably not going to take that well. Like they’re just not.

Caleb Hatchett (06:21)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. And I think too,
that idea, yeah, you support, like I’m here with you. And, know, I think kind of this idea of like, I’m on your side. Like, I’m not, I’m not working against you. Like I’m, I’m on your team. I’m on your side. Okay. And even though.

Karlie (06:47)
Mm-hmm.
Ooh, I like that. Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (07:01)
Maybe what we want for you might be different. Like you need to know everything of what I’m trying to do and speak for you stems out of this fact that I’m on your team. I’m on your side. I’m here to support you. But with that, there has to be trust. Cause if there’s not trust, then there’s, they’re not going to take you at that word.

Karlie (07:11)
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (07:22)
Right? Like they have to trust you in order to believe that you are on their side. so, build trust, like model that model that you are on their side. Don’t lecture is a big one. Like don’t tell Lee. have to listen first.

Karlie (07:32)
It’s easy, yeah. Listen.
And you did this naturally, Caleb, but I want to point it out for the listener, using plural language of we, like what can we do to help? How can we move forward? Puts you on their side instead of you, you, you, pointing fingers of we, we’re in this together, we’re a team. Try to use we language when you’re talking to them and validate their feelings. listen, like Caleb’s saying, don’t lecture, listen.

Caleb Hatchett (07:43)
Mm.
Yeah.

Karlie (08:03)
And you can say, man, that sounds really tough. How can we help? Where can we move forward and maybe start there of asking them what they need before you just straight up say, I think you help. I think you need, you need a professional like of ask. Yeah.

Caleb Hatchett (08:15)
Yeah. You need, you need help.
But I’m here, I’m on your team, but you need help, yeah.

Karlie (08:25)
Asking that and we’ve kind of talked around this too, but normalizing help seeking So if you have done that in the past, you don’t have to get into details but saying like hey, you know what a few years ago I went through a really rough time too and I had to talk to someone about it or I’m not This is me personally. I’m not good at asking for help It’s easier for me to help others. And so it’s okay to for sometimes I’ll admit that when I’m in my teen life groups because one of the weeks we talk about stress and what we can do is

Caleb Hatchett (08:30)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

Karlie (08:54)
And I will often admit I’m really bad at this, but I need to be better at telling the people in my life, here’s what I’m struggling with and here’s how you can help. And even modeling to them like, it’s not always easy and don’t make it seem like, just it’s fine. I go to counseling all the time. That’s not a big deal. Even admitting some of that tension of it’s not always easy to do that.

Caleb Hatchett (09:02)
Mm-hmm.
Yeah. Yeah.
I was going to say of like they build on each other right if you’re trying to to build trust they need to know that you’re a safe space someone that listens and cares like

Karlie (09:26)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (09:29)
cares about what they say. So that’s we’re saying, man, like, I’m sorry. And then, yeah, normalizing this help seeking and being vulnerable as well as on your end. And yeah, don’t come at it from a man. I’ve been through this too. Here’s how I got through it. And, you know, like, look at me now. I’m awesome. Like you can get to me, but like sit in it with them for a second and just be like, you know what? I understand where you’ve been and get vulnerable with

Karlie (09:46)
Hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (09:56)
Here’s my life experience. Here’s the ways that, truly, like I didn’t know the way out and have experienced where you’ve been, but you know, also, yeah, you know, model for them. Here’s the steps that, that I took in order to help myself get out. Cause it’s not okay just to stay there. And so how can we,

Karlie (10:15)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (10:17)
We’re not the same person, but what are the steps that we can take to get out? And then, yeah, leads us onto the next one of giving them choices. Don’t make them seem like they’re pigeonholed or that you are telling them what to do. If the team doesn’t want help, I would say teens in general, even if they do want help, a lot of times don’t just like being told what to do. so giving them choices, you know, it directs them enough.

Karlie (10:39)
Yeah.

Caleb Hatchett (10:43)
But again doesn’t feel like you’re necessarily telling them what to do

Karlie (10:48)
Right? So it could even be like, if you are asking them a question, hey, do you want to talk about this with me? Is there another person that you feel is trustworthy that you could go to? Do you feel like you need therapy or counseling? Do you want me to go with you the first time? I, like offering options like that, where like you’re saying, Caleb, you’re not just saying, here’s what you need to do. And that’s where being curious,

Caleb Hatchett (10:57)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.

Karlie (11:17)asking questions of even what do you think would help? What do you think would make this better? Do you have a friend who’s done something that has been beneficial and what did they do? Get them outside of themselves to think through things or do you need coping strategies? Do you want me to give you my advice or can I send you a couple articles or do you want to ask around and then we could come back next week and talk about it? And that is something that

Caleb Hatchett (11:28)
Yes.

Karlie (11:42)
can help, maybe they don’t want counseling, but if there is a school counselor that has a group that’s going on, something like Teen Life or another support group, maybe that feels a little more accessible. It’s on their campus or not having to leave. Or that question, we love to ask the question of just who do you trust? Who is an adult that you feel like you can go to right now? And it doesn’t have to be me. And honestly, I’m okay if it’s not me, but who is someone and can you go to them first?

Caleb Hatchett (12:05)
Mm-hmm.

Karlie (12:10)
and ask them, but let them think through that. Especially I think for parents, instead of saying, are the three people that you can go talk to and giving them those people, ask and let them rely on the people that they feel like they trust.

Caleb Hatchett (12:17)
Yeah. Yeah. And this idea of giving them choices of prying, think from, I think from me and my experience is trying to get them to come to the conclusion on their own. Cause I mean, the frustrating thing, I’m not a parent. would assume this holds true for parenting too. given the times that I’ve told my father, you know, that he has told me something time and time again.

Karlie (12:36)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (12:47)
Hey, Caleb, you got to keep your car clean. Like whatever, like it helps. What? Okay. Sure. But if I come to that conclusion on my own and I see that in action, it’s like, man, I’m genius. And you know, beating my dad just beating his head. And like, I told you, I told you, how could you not see it? But if a teen comes to that conclusion on their own,

It gives them, it helps them understand the reasoning and the motivation behind the why. And again, it also gives them the sense of independence and accomplishment. so, you know, if you’re able to, to walk with them and alongside them of instead of necessarily telling them what to do, walk beside with them and pry it and keep asking questions. Okay. Like why, who do you want to go to if it’s not me for help? And if they give you an answer.

Karlie (13:14)
Mm.

Caleb Hatchett (13:36)
help them realize and ask questions like- is this person trust-worthy? You know, can you really go to them? Why do you think that they’re a good person to go to? And just help them process and come up with their own reasonings of, you know, help them think through it. Cause they might also come to the conclusion of, you know what?

Karlie (13:41)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (13:53)
My middle school friend might not be the best person to go to for this important life advice. You’re right. But if they reach that conclusion on their own, they’re more likely to do it than if you tell them.

Karlie (14:04)
think you’re exactly right, Caleb, because if I’m thinking of, for example, a student that you really feel like needs therapy or counseling, and you force them to go, how much more would they get out of it if they are bought in and think, yeah, this is something that will be beneficial? First, I am forced to do this, and now have to go. And so that is something that is different.

Caleb Hatchett (14:11)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Right.

Karlie (14:28)
to kind of think through how can I go about this in a way that you’re right, asking questions to get them to come to that conclusion on their own without being manipulative, but just like, hey, let’s ask some questions and maybe they can figure this out. And sometimes that looks like I talked about earlier, if they have never heard of or been modeled for asking for help counseling therapy, maybe that is letting them know what to expect.

Caleb Hatchett (14:33)
Mm-hmm. Right.

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Karlie (14:53)
Hey, do you know anyone that’s gone to counseling? And if they say no, be like, okay, here’s kind of what you can expect from that. This doesn’t mean you have to go, but I just want to give you all the information up front. It’s probably not what you think. It’s not laying back on a couch with a box of tissues and sharing your whole story. A lot of times it’s activity driven and you can walk them through that so they have a better idea of what to say. And then finally, I think for this too, make sure you’re keeping the door open.

Caleb Hatchett (15:12)
Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

Karlie (15:23)
If they say no to help, that doesn’t mean no forever. So even sometimes if you have a relationship with a student and you know, I’m pushing too much, this is not going anywhere. They have dug in their heels and there is going to be no help instead of just being like, no, I’m going to make you see that you have to have help. Take a step back and say, I’m here when you’re ready. Hey, let’s come back to this in a week. Let’s see how you’re feeling and

No pressure. And then the next week, hey, how are you feeling this week? Do you still feel like you have it under control? What can I do to help? And continuing to check in, not just saying, well, they said no, so I’m done and I’m backing off. Continue to go to them, but at the same time, don’t pressure them to do anything.

Caleb Hatchett (15:58)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And I think that the important thing there, like what you said of keeping, keep pursuing, like don’t, again, don’t necessarily be like, will help you. You will receive my help. Um, but this idea of, know, I think sometimes I’ve even fallen to the trap of, man, I’m giving them time. I’ve given them opportunity and opportunity for me to help them and they don’t want it. So I’m just going to let them come to me when they’re ready. There’s a balance of that. And.

Karlie (16:17)
you

Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (16:36)
pursuing and making sure that they know that you’re there. Of, hey, they might not want my help now, but I’m going to make sure that they know that I’m here when they’re ready. Instead of just being like, you know, I’m going to sit passively. They’ll come to me, continue to check in. Even if they don’t want your help. There’s nothing wrong with saying, how are you? How is the situation that you’ve, you’ve talked to me about? Cause it shows you care. It shows that you listened.

Karlie (16:37)
Mm-hmm.

Caleb Hatchett (16:59)
And yeah, again, even going back to everything, we’re here to help. And I don’t want it to come across as we’re trying to manipulate the, you know, a student or a teen into receiving help from us. Again, help them process, help. They probably will come to a conclusion that isn’t one that, that you had in mind, but if you can think through it with them, it’ll also help you understand where they’re coming from more as well.

Karlie (17:22)
Mm-hmm. That’s good. Okay, so for just kind of some final takeaways, one thing I do want to say, we are talking about not forcing help, but if their safety is at risk. So if you were talking to a teenager who is self-harming, who is talking about suicide, who is in an abusive situation, first of all, no, they’re probably all very similar, but like I know in the state of Texas, if a student discloses abuse to you, you have to report that.

Caleb Hatchett (17:35)
Mm-hmm.

Karlie (17:50)
You have to like, and it’s not that difficult. Please reach out to Teen Life or one of us if you need help, but you can also do a search for it and it will come up with what you can do. They, there are some instances where they need help. If that is the case, or if you feel like it’s something bigger where you found out that they’ve been, especially if you’re not a parent and you found out something like they’ve been doing drugs or they have been

engaging in activities with a boyfriend or girlfriend that you know their parents would not approve of. Something that you know they need to tell a parent or they need to talk to someone else about this and I can’t handle this anymore. Here’s an example of what I would say, which would be, I care too much about you to ignore this. So we need to figure this out together. And that could be you need to tell a parent or I have to report this for your safety.

Caleb Hatchett (18:23)
Mm-hmm.

Karlie (18:43)
let’s do this together, or would you like me to come with you? I will be part of that conversation with the parent if you are too scared to tell them or another trusted adult. And so not taking away that choice, let them decide, give them a deadline, say, hey, by Friday, I’m gonna check back in. And if you haven’t told them, I need to tell your parent, but I wanna give you the opportunity to tell them first.

Caleb Hatchett (19:06)
Yeah.

Yeah.

Karlie (19:08)
and so kind of giving them the opportunity to do that, but at the same time going, this is a big enough deal that I’m, I care about you too much to ignore it. And sometimes that will, that honestly will put a strain on the relationship. Your relationship with that student might never be the same, but if it is something where you feel like their safety or their future, or there are some choices, I’m pretty sure Brenda said this, that you can’t come back from. And so sometimes as an adult, you have to make the decision that I have to step in here to try to stop.

a situation that is just going to get worse and could potentially ruin their life. And then finally, and I’ll post some links as well to more national hotlines, but know your resources. So if a student comes to you, kind of have in your back pocket, here are some people I would talk to. Here are maybe some, here are the school counselors numbers and let me help you find them. Here is a crisis hotline.

Caleb Hatchett (19:40)
Yeah, that’s good.

Karlie (20:03)
number that you can call. are texting options where they don’t even have to get on a phone. They can text in, they can chat online, just something that maybe if they want something anonymous and don’t want to talk to someone in person, better help. are online telehealth counseling deals where they’re not having to go to a counselor’s office. And so know your resources. But as we always say, it’s about connection. It is about telling them, I care enough about you. I see you.

Caleb Hatchett (20:03)
Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Karlie (20:32)
that I want you to have the support and the resources that you need.

 

 

 

 

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Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Caleb Hatchett
Caleb Hatchett

Podcast Host

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