Caleb (00:00)
Why does my teen say they want to change, but never do. I think this is a question. If you’re a parent, if you’re an adult leader, things like that, you feel, maybe it’s even a question you’ve asked yourself. Why do I say I want to change, but I never do. I’ve asked myself that and, uh, it’s kind of even what spurred off this whole topic was me asking myself that. And so, uh, a lot of what we’re going to talk about is based off of a book called the common rule. Um, but.
It’s this idea that habits are what shape us. And so most habits aren’t conscious choice. You’re on autopilot. And so if you don’t help teens notice or understand these habits that they might not even notice that they have, because a habit isn’t a choice. Like if you evaluate some of the things that you do, you’re making it and you’re just doing it out of habit, which means I didn’t make the conscious choice. Hey, I’m going to do this.
And so research suggests, and it’s a study done by Duke, the university. And so it says, not Karlie Karlie didn’t do this research, but research suggests roughly about 40%, 40 % of the actions that we take in a day are habits. They’re not intentional. They’re not intentional choices. They’re just a reflection of, okay, this is what I do. I’m doing it.
Karlie (01:05)
Maybe.
Caleb (01:22)
And so it means that our habits speak louder than our values or goals. And so when a habit is formed, the brain stops fully participating in the decision making. And so the patterns that we have unfold automatically. So it makes sense like teen brain wise, human brain wise, it makes sense why we would do this. So if we’re having to make a choice.
Karlie (01:46)
Mm-hmm.
Caleb (01:48)
Active decision every five minutes, we would get overwhelmed.
Karlie (01:52)
Well, let’s talk about some brain science now that you mentioned it, Caleb, my favorite topic. So what’s fascinating is I was kind of looking into this for teenagers is teens form habits even more quickly than adults do because their brains are developing. And so they crave efficiency because they’re so busy developing teenage brains are like, how can I do this? As we know this, if you know a teenager, how do you this as quick as possible with the least amount of effort?
Caleb (01:55)
yeah. Yeah.
Karlie (02:21)
And that is actually their brains telling them that and they want to save energy and habits save energy because you’re not having to think about them. You just as Caleb said, you just kind of run on autopilot. And so stress and busyness, which teens also have a lot of also make autopilot stronger, not weaker. So they’re craving what is safe. What do I know? Just day after day after day, my brain is like, yes, I know exactly what is coming and I know what to do. And it
just helps them form habits sooner. So if you’re going, I don’t even know where this came from and my teenager picked up this horrible habit. Or if you’re a teacher going, what are we doing with our school habits? And how did this get out of control so quickly? It’s because these habits form very quickly for teenagers. So it doesn’t take whatever 40 days, 70 days. I hear different numbers all the time of what it takes to form a habit. But a lot of times for teenagers, that is quicker.
And so I think one of the easiest things that we can do to start this conversation is have teens take inventory of their habits. So asking the question, if this habit continues, who will it shape me into?
Caleb (03:28)
Yeah.
Tobin (03:30)
Yeah. Cause we think the thing is like habits serve a purpose. Like there’s a reason why everybody does anything and whether it’s a healthy habit or an unhealthy habit. you know, like Caleb was saying, when he’s asking the question, why do I feel like that’s whenever I go, you know, find midnight Twinkies and stuff them in my face, you know? And so like, that’s not a good habit. You shouldn’t do that. So, but yeah, like we, we need them to serve purpose, whether it’s comfort, distraction, relief, and removing a habit without replacing it. Like it kind of leaves an empty spot. That’s why.
Karlie (03:44)
Ha ha ha.
Tobin (03:57)
Like people talk about how we have to kind of figure out a way to replace, you know, drinking soda with drinking water or whatever it may be. Cause that’s, it’s not about the sustenance usually that you’re getting or like the endorphins that you’re getting. It’s about, it’s about the physical reaction of what you’re doing most of the time. Uh, like for instance, like one of the bad habits that I got in, um, I think I’ve talked to us before is that I, I deleted Instagram off my phone. Um, I don’t know 18 months ago at this point and.
I realized that week after that, every time I sat down somewhere, I would go on my phone and I would like literally physically swipe to go where it was. And I was like, man. And like my brain didn’t remember it until I realized it wasn’t there. And so like, that’s the kind of thing we’re talking about. It’s like, like habits that are so rooted in your brain that you have to physically do something to change it, which is what’s the hardest part about this.
Caleb (04:30)
Mm.
Yes. And I think too, it’s, it’s asking, as, as you were talking about helping your team take an inventory and maybe it’s a practice that you do after this too. It’s one that I’ve done and was just shocked as I’m listing it out is like, lists your hopes. Okay. Here’s who I hope to be. Right. Okay. If I’m planning, who do I hope to be? I, am I someone who
Tobin (04:56)
you
Caleb (05:09)
once the poor into people, once the poor into myself, spend less time on my phone, like list your hopes and then list your habits and say, okay, are my habits shaping me into who I’m hoping to be? And so what the author of this book does is he like has like a list where he’s writing his habits. So I did this and you start like in the morning. And for me, it’s like, okay, wake up after I’ve hit snooze 10 times because I stayed up too late.
too late the night before. And then you write out, what is that habit shaping me? Or like, what’s the like root of that habit? Right? And it’s like, well, I’m staying up too late because I’m trying to like, make up for time lost earlier in the day that maybe I wasted by being on my phone or maybe that like, because like I had work or other things to do, it’s like, that’s not my time. I’m trying to take that time back. And as you kind of list these things out,
Tobin (05:50)
Mm.
Caleb (06:03)
I think you’ll realize there are more habits that you have than you even think. Just think, all right, what are the things that I’m not even making a choice about? I’m just doing. It’s like, when I wake up, the first thing I do is I just grab my phone and you don’t even realize it. And I go to Instagram or I do some of these things. so listing out what are the habits, what does that shaping need to be?
And then, like Tobin said, you have to replace them. You have to replace them or else they’re going to be filled by some other habit that you don’t have control over. And so you have to be intentional. think teens, if you’re listening to this, you might be thinking, okay, this sounds limiting, right? Like it’s like, I want to be able to scroll my phone if I want to, I don’t want to have to delete. And I think what you don’t, what I, what we don’t understand is that like,
Limits bring freedom. And if you’re not limiting yourself, like you are just so decision fatigued. And I think teens feel this way more because they’re growing, they’re developing, and you’re making a decision about everything. And so if you’re not limiting the things that you are, that are pressing for your attention, you’re going to become so decision fatigued over, okay,
I have to do this or there’s this new site or I have to keep up on social media. have to comment on someone’s that you’re just worn down. And so these habits that we’re going to bring up or to replace maybe habits that you do have, it’s going to sound limiting, but if you do it, I think you’ll find that there’s more freedom there.
Tobin (07:33)
Yeah.
Well, and real quick too, like when I’m when I’m saying delete Instagram, like that’s just what I needed to do. I think it’s also knowing yourself that you may have to make that hard decisions. Like we’re not trying to be those old people that are like, you know, get rid of all the stuff. Like that’s not it. It’s just that’s what that’s what worked for me was I knew if it was still on my phone, I was still going to go to it clearly. And so like, like we’re not trying to be those adults that are saying that you have to cut everything out. It’s just if it needs to be cut out, be willing to have that conversation with yourself.
Caleb (07:45)
Mm-hmm.
Karlie (08:04)
Well, and this is actually a conversation that we had in teen life. Me and Nino had a conversation about this pretty recently of I think sometimes as adults, we think my teenager doesn’t want boundaries. They don’t want rules. They don’t want help forming healthy habits. And what we hear over and over again in across the board, every school, the most difficult students who are always in trouble will say, I wish my parents cared enough.
Tobin (08:21)
over again.
Caleb (08:29)
Mm.
Karlie (08:29)
to set that boundary for me. I wish my parents cared enough to check in on how much I’m using my social media or that they set a curfew. And a few years ago, I can’t remember where this came from. And if I can find it, I will link it. And if not, I’m so sorry if you’re listening into this, you’re brilliant. But I saw something that was talking about seat belts in the context of rules, boundaries, habits, that kind of thing, that when you buckle in your seatbelt, what’s one of the first things that you usually do?
is you kind of like tug on it. Like you lean forward, you might tug on it, like you buckle in and you like might pull up on that, what’s that called? Buckle? I don’t know. And make sure that you’re buckled in, yes. And what you’re doing is that seatbelt is not a, it is a restraint, but it makes you feel safe because you know that there’s something there to help. You know that there’s something there that you’re butting up against. And so I think when our teenagers butt up against our rules, the boundaries,
Tobin (09:01)
Mm.
Caleb (09:09)
The strap,
Mm-hmm.
Karlie (09:26)
when they’re pushing back on habits, what they’re actually doing is checking, I safe here? Is this a safe place? Is this boundary gonna hold? Is this rule gonna hold? Are you still gonna be there? And so just kind of as a perspective shift, as we’re talking through these, if you’re an adult going, you don’t know this kid, you don’t know this teenager, they push back, pushing back is not a bad thing. Help keep them safe by holding that boundary and holding that in. ⁓
Tobin (09:32)
Mm-hmm.
No.
Caleb (09:50)
Yeah.
Yeah.
Karlie (09:54)
As Caleb said, a lot of these are coming through. I think Caleb read the book. I listened to the Common Rule. It was good, but we can’t hit, I mean, it’s a book. We can’t hit everything in this podcast. And so we’re going to hit on some of the things, but if you like what we’re talking about or you’re more interested in diving deeper into that, go listen or read that book. will link that in the show notes as well.
Caleb (10:03)
Yeah.
And so what, what the author does is he kind of charts. again, like Tobin said, we’re not telling you how to live your life. we’re not, these are flex and I think it’s just a place to start. And what he does is he like charts on a graph. He has like date four daily habits, four weekly habits, and each one kind of fits into a quadrant. And so like you have, I want to embrace something on the up positive X axis.
Okay. On the negative X axis. Yeah, we’re bringing math to it. He has resist. So like, what are the things that I’m going to resist that will enable me to do things? And then on the Y axis, you have, okay, it’s going, I’m going to resist something in order to love my neighbor, to live in community. I’m going to embrace something in order to love my neighbor and love my community. So what fits into those quadrants?
And then on the other love God. so he’s, he’s a Christian. And if you’re listening to this and you’re not in the context of faith, some of these habits I think are still helpful and there’s a way that you can spin them. And so like, what can I embrace about life that will help me love God? What can I resist about life that’ll help me love God? And I think even
Tobin (11:22)
Mm.
Caleb (11:27)
If you’re in a non-Christian context, if you are in a Christian context, come up with, okay, if my goal is to embrace or resist something and then adjust your, okay, I want to live in community or I want to better myself and then help create your own habits, rules that you can say, this will help me achieve that.
Um, it can be helpful. So these are just ideas, but that’s a good starting place for you. If you’re sitting here and you’re like, I don’t relate to any of these, that’s fine, but chart your own figure out, okay, what are my goals? How can I get there? And so what he kind of starts at is like a kneeling prayer, um, at morning, midday and bedtime, like three days during the day. Three times. Yeah. Sorry. Three days, three days. Well, yeah, do it for three days and then more.
Karlie (12:06)
times during the day. Yeah.
Tobin (12:11)
That’s it. Have it
formed. Got it.
Caleb (12:14)
And that’s what he suggests is the morning, midday and the evening is those are just three touch points through your day that you’re going at different stages of your
Karlie (12:22)
Right.
This one’s interesting because I think it helps shape your day. Basically you’re stopping down and being intentional three times a day. This, as you’ve probably guessed by this very first one, this book is faith-based and that’s the context it’s coming at, which we think is very valuable, but we’re also going to give some suggestions. If you are, for example, a teacher or counselor working with students and you’re like, I can’t tell them that they need to stop down and pray morning, midday and bedtime.
Tobin (12:38)
Yeah
Karlie (12:51)
But I think that rhythm of being intentional, whether it’s prayer, maybe it’s journaling three times a day, maybe it’s listing three things you’re grateful for three times a day that you’re intentionally stopping down and doing that. I will be honest, when I first started reading this, I was like, I would never remember that. But could I set an alarm? I sure could.
Caleb (13:11)
Yeah.
Karlie (13:15)
I could set an alarm on my phone for first thing when I wake up around lunchtime and then dinner time to do that.
Caleb (13:22)
And that’s the idea
of, you look at the morning, it’s like, okay, before your day starts, how are you going to set the tone? And that’s a lot of the focus. And I think of habits, especially what you do in the morning sets the tone for the rest of your day. And so that’s a lot of the focus on these habits. And as you’re looking at maybe developing your own outside of this, look at the first thing you do in the morning. I promise you, if you change that, it’s going to shift the way the rest of your day goes.
Karlie (13:29)
Mm-hmm.
Right.
Tobin (13:47)
Ahem.
Ahem.
Caleb (13:48)
starting
the morning. If you’re in the afternoon, students, you’re at school. It’s a different part of the day, a different stage. If you’re an adult, you’re at work. And so like, what are the things, how can I take inventory and continue to stay motivated while I’m at school or at work? And then at the end of the day, before you go to bed, how’s the next day going to be? So I think it gives three good touch points of the day and each at a different stage for you to, to take inventory of the day. it’s journaling prayer, um,
even just sitting and giving yourself 30 seconds to just breathe without noise and say, all right, well, how’s the day going?
Tobin (14:22)
Yeah, I was about to say
sitting and breathing is like, I mean, we’ve talked about that before about the brain science of that of just sitting into and catching your breath and, doing like the, the box breathing for 30 seconds to a minute is that’s enough to reset your, your brain just for, you know, a second. And so, that’s where, like, if you, if you aren’t going to kneel and pray, or if you’re not going to do that kind of stuff, like that would be an easy additive of.
Caleb (14:31)
Mm-hmm.
Tobin (14:50)
Hey, I have an alarm set. It’s kind of like when people set their alarms for like 11 and 11 to make a wish or whatever. It’s no different. Just set an alarm. takes you, it takes you a minute, like a minute to do that. And that’s, but I mean, I say that like, like it’s no big deal. also I’m not doing it. So like I’m talking to myself as well of a minute a day or sorry, a minute for three times a day can, can like legitimately rewire your brain in some respects. And that’s, that’s important.
Caleb (14:55)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Karlie (15:15)
Okay,
so the next one is eating one meal a day with others. And the reason he gives on this is we are communal. Like we don’t just need food for sustenance, but that community that a table provides makes a really big difference. And I will say we have gotten this habit is very easy to get out of because I’ve always, mean, there’s so much research, please do research on what eating
Caleb (15:27)
Yeah.
Karlie (15:41)
at a table as a family does for your kids from a young age, but even as teenagers. And we just got through basketball season as a family and gotten the horrible habit of everyone eat dinner wherever you want. It’s going to be quick. I don’t want to have to clean the table off. And now it’s like, I’m trying to get back into we’re going to eat dinner at the table together. And it’s been a battle because my kids have been used to. I can eat on the go and I can eat quickly and then I can go do whatever I want.
Caleb (15:42)
Yeah.
Karlie (16:09)
So encourage family meals at the table. But if you’re a teenager at school, be intentional about who sits around your table at lunch. Don’t just eat in the hallway real quick. Don’t just say, hey, I’m gonna go study or be by myself. But try to be intentional about who is around your table and who you’re surrounding yourself with.
Caleb (16:30)
Yeah, I think, yeah, cause it’s just, it’s just huge to be with people to know you’re not alone. And like, I don’t know. I think you’re all like food. If it’s just becoming a means of fuel, it’s warping your view of food as well as, know, maybe the community around you. And so it’s a great time. Like everyone has to eat. So let’s do it together. And so I think you’ll find as a family or even as a student with friends, even as like an adult, if you’re just eating lunch in your car, try to be more intentional. Maybe you need that some days and that’s fine. Like,
Tobin (16:30)
another one.
Caleb (17:00)
you know yourself, but yeah, it’s important to be with people.
Tobin (17:04)
So then the next one is going to be one that if my wife is listening, she’s going to give me that judgmental stare of, you listening? Are you listening? Is a one hour with your phone off, which I’m not even sure the last time I’ve turned my phone off, let alone that when it didn’t die, like, you know, like I’m pretty sure my phone has been on indefinitely. And it doesn’t mean you have to like power it off, but again, you might be like me and me too. And so, yeah.
Karlie (17:10)
Ha ha ha.
put it on do not disturb and put it in another room.
Tobin (17:32)
Yeah, and so one of the quotes of the book was, when you try to be present everywhere, we end up being present nowhere, which is like you could preach that. It’s so true. You know, there’s so much data in stuff now of we are in the digital age of where we can get ahold of anybody at a moment’s notice, but we also are the most disconnected we’ve ever been because we’re inundated with stuff on our phones.
Karlie (17:40)
Mm-hmm.
Tobin (17:56)
⁓ Find a time that you can do that. it’s, I think students, you kind of have a natural version of that now, at least in the state of Texas, because you don’t, you don’t have your phone. You’re not supposed to have your phones in school, but as I’ve noticed, that’s not exactly happening every place, but you, you kind of have that naturally, but if you don’t have it naturally, or if you need some extra practice with it, like this is another one those, it’s, can, you can do this with your meal. Like whenever you have a meal time with others,
put your phone away. Like, I mean, that’s, that’s a, that’s where I get in trouble with my wife is that it’s, that’s an easy time for me to sit down and catch up on the day. and you can see it that way, but like, that’s also an easy time to knock out, you know, kill two bears with one stone of I’m going to be intentional and have a meal with others. I’m also not going to have my phone distract me from that. And so, if it’s not that, then, you know, turn it off. This, the real big one is, is putting it away before you go to bed, which no one is good at, I think at this point.
⁓ but there’s a lot of science behind if you are, if your brain is actively on a screen and working, you know, as you’re doom scrolling for your sleep, it’s a lot harder for you to go to sleep and, and, or you get less quality of sleep and whenever you’re doing that. And so an hour before bedtime is great. ⁓ that’s, that’s, I admit that’s tough, but, then like Karlie said, have a place for your phones whenever you don’t need it. And so like, ⁓ if you need to get, get a brick or, ⁓
Caleb (19:15)
Mm-hmm.
Tobin (19:16)
do something where you can, like where you have more guardrails for yourself, do that, but have a place where it can go where it’s not going to be like, if you see it light up, you’re not going to have to like want to go over there and check it. And so
Karlie (19:25)
Mm-hmm.
Caleb (19:26)
Yeah.
Karlie (19:28)
Well, I know a lot of parents who make like the charging station is the kitchen. You are not allowed to take your phone in your room. It gets charged downstairs and that is forcing teenagers to not have it in their beds and almost forcing that whether they turn it off or just have it in a different room that they’re not. Right. Yes. Yes. Get an actual physical alarm clock, which I say that
Caleb (19:32)
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
Like not having a charger in their room. That’s what you’re saying? Yeah.
Karlie (19:54)
My husband is like, I’ve been saying I’m going to do that for a while. And he was like, you have free will to buy one at any point and you haven’t yet. So maybe this is going to inspire me to buy an alarm clock and get my phone away from right by my bed. but that’s a good one. then we kind of mentioned this, Kayla mentioned this, that starting your day is important, how you do that. Well, I mean, so one of the habits that he suggests is instead of starting with social media or email,
Tobin (19:59)
You
Karlie (20:21)
or text messages about a crisis, start with scripture. So before you look at your phone, read scripture. Sometimes I try to do this of I make myself open the Bible app first before I can open any other thing on my phone and even reading the scripture of the day. But I also think this would be incredibly valuable if you got out a physical Bible and you sat down and read it before opening your phone. open and I’ll link this to, I got an app and I need to get the paid version because right now,
Caleb (20:39)
Mm. Yeah.
Karlie (20:46)
it only will do one thing for me, but it’s called Jomo, Joy of Missing Out. And it’s kind of like a brick, but it’s an app. But I have it set where my, I’m not, I can’t get into my social media until nine o’clock in the morning. And it’s forcing me, and as you were saying, Tobin, the habit of the number of times that I find myself before nine o’clock, clicking on Instagram or click, like, and it will pop up and be like, Jomo.
Don’t forget, you can’t do this. And I can get around it if I really needed to, like if there was something important that I needed to look at. But most of the time it’s a good check of, right, I don’t need to start my day that way. I don’t need to start my day with what’s going on in the world. And that shapes my day in a much better
Caleb (21:28)
Yeah.
I think like this one with, and the last one is just this idea that you’re constantly needed and connected even as teens, like, what if a friend’s trying to call me or text me? And now it gets a lie. Like the world goes on without you being in contact. And I think you don’t even realize how the stress that that has of, well, what if someone needs me?
And whether you’re consciously thinking it or not, like that’s, that’s it. That’s why you have your phone close by in case someone reaches out in case there’s something for you to connect to. And I think that’s just, that’s a lot on teens. It’s a lot on adults. And so this is training yourself to know, okay, like it’s okay. If I have an hour and I’m present and I’m not needed, needed quote unquote.
They can wait an hour or they can wait until I get up and I read or I get going. And so like, whether it’s scripture, whether it’s a prayer, or even if it’s just, I’m going to make sure that I get out of bed and brush my teeth and start my morning routine without first looking at my phone, I think helps set your day in a way that’s okay. The first thing that I’m looking at is not what I need to do for the day or with my emails or what is going on in the world that is going to be depressing and make me sad.
like that I can’t do anything about like that’s what you’re starting your day with and what’s that shaping you to be for the rest of your day so even if it’s just I’m gonna get up I’m gonna brush my teeth I’m gonna make coffee I’m gonna eat my cereal and then I’m gonna look at my phone while I’m while I’m eating my cereal I think is even just a big step over starting your day with just looking at it
Tobin (23:03)
So if you’re a parent or a teacher or a mentor of a teen and you’re asking yourself, okay, like, well, how do I make my team do that? And I’m again, asking my own self that here’s some questions to ask them, like ask them, like, what, what do you notice about your day? Like, where do you notice? Like, like I did where you are addicted to something or whatever. And then what habit do you think helps you the most right now? Cause it’s, it’s going to be positive too. Like if they have a good habit, like pull that out of them. Cause you could also use that as a reference of
How do you feel when you do that? Okay, let’s find more things that make you feel that way. And then let’s replace some those bad ones with the good one. And then what’s one small swap you’d be willing to try this week. So have them pick one or two habits to swap and don’t try to do everything at once. Like that’s the biggest thing is like you’re not going to fix anybody overnight with this stuff. And so, you know, it may simply be like, Hey, I need you to drink water today and I need you to do it four times a day. How about that? You know, or, Hey, I need you to like,
Karlie (23:57)
Mm-hmm.
Tobin (24:00)
put your phone up when we’re at dinner, whatever it may be. And so you can habit stack like we talked about earlier. It’s great. Yeah.
Karlie (24:05)
This is one of my favorite things. Yeah. Habit stacking,
especially for a teenager, because it kills two birds with one stone. You take a habit that they’re already doing and you add another one to it. So when you’re brushing your teeth, pray.
Caleb (24:17)
Mm.
Karlie (24:18)
When you’re sitting down to eat, turn off your phone. Like it’s an easy thing. I saw one yesterday that a girl was saying when she finds herself scrolling on social media, she makes herself stand up and do 30 squats. And she was like, it does double because it gets me moving. And it also makes me think, do I want to do 30 squats right now? And if I don’t, then maybe I shouldn’t be scrolling on my phone. So taking things like that and adding them can make a big difference too.
Caleb (24:39)
That’s good.
Yeah.
I think it’s just getting your teens to, you know, evaluate and yourself like, Hey, what are the tiny things that are adding up that you don’t even realize? And then what is that shaping you to be and talking and having that conversation of, okay, what can, what can we replace those with? Like, it’s not necessarily these big moments. If you evaluate your life that are shaping you to who you be and do who you are, it’s the small, everyday.
Honestly boring parts, but those are the parts that that I think we need to focus on that get overlooked And so we didn’t cover everything from the book, but it’s a good starting space And if you want to go read the book, please do if not plot your own come up with your own rules Have your teen come up with hey, who do I want to be and then what’s gonna help me get there? And so again
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