Hey Mom, Put Down Your Phone!

Hey Mom, Put Down Your Phone!

I had an interesting conversation in my group the other day. We got to talking about the students’ relationship with their parents, and it quickly turned into a discussion on family time and phone distractions. For probably the first time in one of my Support Groups, every single group member was on the same page! Here are some of the things I heard around the table that day:

  • My mom makes us have “family time” and watch a movie but stares at her phone the whole time.
  • My parents are constantly on Facebook or playing Candy Crush when we are together.
  • Why do they say I’m always on my phone when they are even worse than I am?
  • My dad always sends emails at the dinner table, but I get in trouble if I look at my phone.
  • I tell my parents “family time” doesn’t count if they are on their phones but they say all that matters is that we’re in the same room.
  • Were your parents always on their phones too?

First, let me just admit that I am not yet a parent, but I struggle with this as well. When I sit down to watch a show with my husband, it is easy to mindlessly scroll through Instagram or Facebook out of habit. Sometimes I don’t even notice I’m on my phone until he points it out! Second, it is never fun to get called out by teenagers, but my group issued a challenge that I feel obligated to pass on!

Also on a side note, I laughed out loud when they asked about my parents and their phone use when I was a teenager. When I was in high school, we didn’t have internet on our phones, and we certainly didn’t have fun games like Candy Crush (RIP Snake Game). This is fairly new territory for parents!

Technology isn’t going anywhere, phones aren’t going to phase out, and social media will probably always be king of the internet. So how can we better model how to balance family, work, and fun? We have to be the example in this area; otherwise, our kids will never learn acceptable boundaries and healthy practices.

Before I offer some suggestions, there are a few things I would like to point out about their statements and questions.

1. They watch you and notice.

You know the phrase, “Do as I say and not as I do”? That doesn’t fly with teenagers. They watch you. They see what you do and will push back if what you do is different than what you say. Telling teens to put down their phones while yours is still in front of your face sends a clear message that you probably aren’t intending to communicate.

2. They don’t see a difference between work and social media use of phones.

They don’t care if you are on your phone for work – if they see your phone out, it is a distraction no matter what it’s purpose. Sending email, making calls, checking your Facebook, it is all the same to them. If you are on your phone when you should be spending time with them, your excuses don’t matter – just so you know 🙂

3. They think you have a technology problem.

This absolutely cracks me up! As adults, we read books, listen to podcast, and attend seminars on helping our teenagers manage social media and their phones. We talk about this generation and their problems with connection, but they think adults are the ones with the problem! I am not saying that teens have technology under control or use it appropriately all the time, but until we prove them wrong, I do believe we are the ones with the problem.

4. They actually care about “family time.”

When they were having this discussion, they weren’t upset that they had to be present for family time. They were mad that their parents were violating the time that they set aside. One student even said that he enjoys hanging out with his mom when she isn’t distracted by her phone.

I really don’t want you to miss this point, so I will say it again in case you’re still in shock…teenagers actually care about “family time”! Even when they act like spending time as a family is the worst inconvenience, the stories they tell when you aren’t around would say otherwise.

 


 

As I said above, this is a newer problem for parents. Just like we are trying to figure out how to help our teenagers have boundaries, we are walking the same blurry line. I want you to have a good relationship with your teenager. I want you to be able to take advantage of family time – if they are willing to set aside their phones, don’t ruin it by being on yours!

While I could write several blogs on this topic, let me start with two tips that I believe could make a huge difference in your home!

Do what you ask of your kids.

This seems simple and like a no-brainer, but the more I talk to teens, the more I realize that we are failing at this. While their are perks to being an adult and setting the rules, when they are around and watching you, follow your own rules! If you ask them to put away their phones for a specific time or activity, do the same. Do they have a time limit on how much they can be on their phones? Try to stick to a similar schedule!

They are watching you, and you set the example of how to interact with your phone. This is especially true for when you drive. Ouch…but if you don’t want your teenager to text (or tweet) and drive, put your phone away in the car. Don’t text, don’t have phone conversations that can wait until you get to your destination, don’t be catching up on your Facebook comments while you are driving your kids. Show them how to be responsible and safe!

 

Make “family time” sacred.

Find small ways to make the time you spend as a family special. While it may be unrealistic to expect your teenager to put their phone away anytime they are are with a family member, you can set aside specific times that are phone-free. Some examples could be dinner time, the first 15 minutes after they get home from school, special family activities, or when you watch tv or a movie as a family. Once you ask them to make the activity you decide on phone-free, follow the rule above and put yours up as well!

This might mean that you put your phone on “do not disturb” to keep you from reading texts, checking email, or answering phone calls. Unless it is an emergency, anything on your phone can wait until that sacred time is over. You communicate the importance of family time by your actions. Distractions and phones can kill a family moment – don’t let your teenager down by not giving them your full attention!

So, what do you think? How have you set boundaries in your home? How have you made family time sacred and special? Share with us – we always love new ideas!
Karlie Duke

Karlie Duke

Director of Communications

Karlie was in one of Teen Life’s original support groups and has always had a heart for teenagers and the vulnerable life stage they are in. She has a wealth of experience to share from working with teens in ministry and leading support groups.

Disappointment Isn’t a Bad Thing

Disappointment Isn’t a Bad Thing

 Listen & Subscribe

YouTube

Is disappointment all bad for teenagers?

In this episode of the Stay Calm, Don’t Panic! Podcast, Chris Robey is joined by Dr. David Fraze to discuss how disappointment affects teenagers.

Is disappointment all bad? Is rescuing our children the best answer? Jump into this great conversation and hear ways to help push and equip students to face challenges and disappointments. 

It’s better for kids to learn to face disappointment in our home than later down the road.

In this episode, Dr. David Fraze answers…

  • Why do adults, especially parents, treat disappointment like a bad thing?
  • What are a few of the benefits of facing and journeying through disappointment?
  • What are a few ways adults can help students face and journey through disappointment?
 

Ask yourself…

  • Am I trying to prevent teenagers from facing disappointment?
  • Are my expectations and views of my teenager realistic?
  • Am I seeking my identity in the successes of my children?

Go ask a teen…

  • What disappointments have you faced in life?
  • When things are tough, what helps you get through it?
  • How can you learn from past disappointments and use them to make you better?

Resources:

In this episode, we mentioned the following resources:

Have a question?

If you have a question about something you heard or just want to give us some feedback, please leave us a comment below.  We would love to hear from you!
Chris Robey
Chris Robey

Former CEO

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Dr. David Fraze

Dr. David Fraze

Special Guest

The 5 “A’s” of Connection

The 5 “A’s” of Connection

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YouTube

In this episode of the Stay Calm, Don’t Panic! Podcast, Chris Robey is joined by Beverly Ross to discuss how we can increase our connection with teenagers. Beverly offers five easy ways to get better at connecting with others. As an expert in the counseling realm, Beverly’s wisdom is invaluable! Let’s work on making our homes, classrooms, and churches safe places for connection.

There should be more a voice of gratitude in my home than a voice of correction.
Beverly Ross

In this episode, Beverly Ross discusses increased connection with others through…

  1. Attention
  2. Appreciation
  3. Affection
  4. Affirmation
  5. Acceptance

Ask yourself…

  • Am I being fully present?
  • Am I being more appreciative of myself so I can appreciate others?
  • How can I better show gratitude and focus on the good in teenagers?

Go ask a teen…

  • When are the times that you feel I am not present?
  • When do you feel appreciated by me? How can I better show when I appreciate you?

In this episode, we mention or use the following resources on connecting with others.

Have a question?

If you have a question about something you heard or just want to give us some feedback, please leave us a comment below.  We would love to hear from you!

Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Chris Robey
Chris Robey

Former CEO

Beverly Ross

Beverly Ross

Special Guest

4 Ways Our Teen Friends Teach Us Courage

4 Ways Our Teen Friends Teach Us Courage

 Listen & Subscribe

YouTube

Chris Robey and Sarah Brooks discuss how adults can learn valuable lessons about courage and inner strength from teenagers. Teens are uniquely equipped and positioned to make a difference in the world. It is easy for us as adults to press our own agendas on teenagers, but maybe it is time to learn something from them!

Take a listen to this awesome conversation and walk away with some insight into the awesome lives of teenagers. 

[bctt tweet=”Teens stand up bigger and faster to injustice than adults do. // via @sarahbrooks13 & @dontpanictalk” via=”no”]
In this episode, Sarah Brooks discusses teenagers’ ability to teach…
  1. Courage to explore and be uniquely you.
  2. Courage to make friends.
  3. Courage to change the world.
  4. Courage to tell the truth.
Ask yourself…
  • What can I learn from teen courage?
  • How can I be intentional about diversifying my own relationships?
Go ask a teen…
  • How do you show courage in your everyday life?
  • What do you think it would take for the world to look better?
Resources:
In this episode, we mentioned the following resources:

Have a question?

If you have a question about something you heard or just want to give us some feedback, please leave us a comment below.  We would love to hear from you!
Karlie Duke
Karlie Duke

Communications Director

Chris Robey
Chris Robey

Former CEO

Sarah Brooks

Sarah Brooks

Special Guest

A Few Words on Courage

A Few Words on Courage

When we find new and creative ways to instill courage into the lives of our kids – they win.

And, I’m not really talking about “getting ahead”. I’m talking about the small things in life.

Tests.

Telling the truth.

Looking out for the little guy.

Trying something new.

Saying you are sorry.

And, meaning it.

Putting the work in.

Taking responsibility.

Showing up.

Leaving.

Failing.

Getting back up.

Trying again.

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Teenagers, of all the people in this world, are positioned well to live with courage. For the most part, people don’t depend on them for their livelihood, so they can explore, make mistakes, and pivot when necessary. Within the bounds of the law, the consequences for failing tend to be less than adults who have families and careers. Teenagers tend to see the world with more naive and hopeful eyes – issues that can be solved or addressed with just one good idea. While those who are older roll their eyes and pat on the head – teenagers seem to expect their actions to actually make a difference and change environments.

The adolescent years are the perfect space to live courageously and with meaning. Those who do gain experiences and tools to do so as adults with families and careers. They know what it means to try and fail, doing so with the protection and support of the loving adults in their lives.

That’s where you come in. When the teenager you love comes to you with a wild and crazy idea – help them figure it out. Support them. Ask good questions. Help them take it a step further.

What would things look like if we lived with a little more courage?

What would it look like for the teenagers in your life to be more courageous?

I think we can all agree on that answer.

Chris Robey
Chris Robey

Former CEO